Well actually, a couple of hours before midnight. A week ago I took a walk just as the sun was about to finish setting and since then have been indulging in my rediscovered love of nighttime walks. There is something electric about walking in the dark. I love the cover it provides, allowing me to be myself completely in my swagger without worrying about what others might think. At the same time there is limited visual distraction taking away from the moment I am in. Several years ago I thought a lot about getting a dog and most of my thoughts were about taking it on long nighttime walks. Now I think that I wasn’t truly in the market for a pet, but was having cravings for evening walks. I may have misinterpreted the messages I was giving myself, but as soon as I started I knew walking at night is something I’ve wanted to do for a while. And with this reminder to look past the literal I hope to do a lot more things I want closer to the initial wanting date.
How to do what i want when i want
How I did it: By going down lots of wrong paths all in the name of "doing what i wanted to do when ever i wanted to do it" regardless of how many people it hurt, or how many opportunities it destroyed, or even that I was destroying my own body. I lived in a selfish and greedy dream world somehow believing that I deserved to be able to do whatever I wanted because;
1.) It's my life to live, be it right or wrong (not taking into account how many people cared about me and where in some way conected to my life and affected by my decisions).
2.) I felt that I had every right to do what ever I wanted because the World owed me at least that much after all the shit it put me through (Not realizing that the world didn't owe me shit, after all, the majority of the hardships I had faced where caused by me in the first place).
3.) I was deadset on the notion, that if I was free to do what ever I wanted and, even better, whenever I wanted to do it, that I would finally be the Happy,Content,and Worthful person that I always longed to be. Unfortunatly it was just another one of those "The grass is always greener" scenarios. The Happiness, Contentment, and Worthfullness never came, in fact, I was more miserable and depressed then I had ever been. Instead of working on the root causes of my problems, I just covered them up and pretended to be satisfied with my new life that I built on denial and delusion. I couldent care two shits about the concequences or effects of my actions, because I was finally living the life that I "wanted" to be living. How was I in the wrong? Well I quickly learned that I really have no friggin' Idea of what it is that I really want, let alone what I need in Life. And all around me the pretty little world I had "wanted" for myself began falling apart. I finally had to face the fact that the reason everything always went wrong in my life was becouse of me (mostly due to the fact that deep down I hated myself, I wasn't worthy of good things, and i sure as hell didn't feel that I deserved Happiness). Having to look in the mirror and take responsability for the disaster my life had been so far, was the toughest thing Ive ever had to do, and most days I didn't think that I could even do it. But when my life started getting easier to deal with, and when I didn't feel like I was cursed with bad luck and doomed to fail, anymore, I actually started to feel happiness.
By focusing less on my limitations, and more on my strengths not only did I start to become that Happy,Content,and Worth while person that I longed to be, I began to be able to Love myself for what I am and not Hate myself for what im not.
Lessons & tips: Be thankfull for the things that God has already provided for you. Instead of focusing on what you don't have or can't do, focus on the things you do have and the things you can do
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and I get really excited to execute them, but I figure that I will do them later and ultimately I never even get started.
One reason I put off projects is because their ‘due’ date is often far off in the future. This summer, for example, I had a great idea for a Christmas gift for my cousin in New York. I wanted to cover a diary in pretty fabric, make a matching purse with a secret pocket that held the key to the diary (my cousin in seven). I was psyched about it in July, but thought I would get started when Christmas was closer. Christmas is now eleven days away and there is no way I am going to be able to make the gift and send it in time. I’ve decided that I will no longer be the place where good intentions go to die.
When I get an idea I’m going to act on it. In striking while my iron is hot I hope to tap into the creative force that flows thru me. I have the feeling that when I begin to jump when I hear inspiration call it will be calling a lot more often. Next year at this time I will not only have a lot less Christmas shopping to do, but I will also have a lot more confidence and pride in myself.
