get my life on track

Sometimes I have anxiety attacks. I’m just sitting on my bed, staring at my computer screen with a pillow hugged to my chest, and everything—and I mean EVERYTHING—just rushes up and hits me faster than I could blink. One second I’m just starting, and the next I’m hyperventilating because each and every single failure, regret, bad-mistake and wrong decision just slams back at me full force. So I’m rocking in my bed, trying to hold back tears, telling myself that it’s okay, to stop thinking about it, that I can start anew tomorrow… and then I fall asleep with sufficiently appeased heart, wake up the next morning, go through the day, hop back into my bed at night, and the same thing happens.

God! How the hell did I let myself get like this? The weight, school, the poor habits, the everything! And I’m so far fucking gone that I feel I can’t ever pick myself up. It’s so amazing… I’m only seventeen years old and yet I feel like I’m fifty, middle aged, and have done absolutely nothing with my life. And It’s not that I take drugs or smoke or drink… hell, sometimes I wish I DID do those things. Better than what I’m doing now—missing school and procrastinating on everything and withdrawing myself from everyone. At least smokers can get somewhere in life.

I used to be extroverted. I used to be able to get along with almost anyone. Sure, I was shy, but it’s nothing compared to how I am now. I can’t interact. Perhaps it’s because I DO isolate myself from everyone. When I stopped going to school for months at a time (because I’m so stupid in the decisions I make) I just used to lock myself up in my room or stroll the streets alone for hours with my nothing but my own moody thoughts to keep me company. I don’t feel comfortable in the company of others.

When I think of the future, It’s hard to breathe. My chest constricts and I feel like I’m drowning. Hell, drowning would be preferable. I’m sure it doesn’t hurt nearly as much. It’s like everything just grabs at me from the inside and pulls me down, completely suffocating me. And I’m probably whining but things have gotten so bad lately that I just need to. I feel like I’m going to burst.

What should I do?
Heh. There are tons of things I should do. I should attend school every day (though I haven’t been missing as much as I did before I transferred), I should diet and exercise, I should study and work hard, I should stop thinking so darn much and driving myself insane, I should stop doing pointless things, I should stop looking forward and look at the now, I should get out more to cure my introverted character, I should stop….

Maybe I should just ask where to start.

Hippiechick is having a real hard time today. But I won’t go too far into that, I’ll let her say what happened. All I know is right now we’re in a real bind. Little scared I’ll have to put my plans for art school aside to help out after I graduate.

I don’t want to have to wait any longer for art school but I have to honor family which means I have no choice when the chips are down. (I just hope it doesn’t come to that)

Got a second job yesterday. Today is my first day of training. Now I’m working two sales jobs and going to school. I don’t think I can handle that work load for too long. Lucky for me I graduate next month, one day before Christmas eve. After that I’m moving on to my next big leap. Finding the right art school.

ever since we seperated. i’ve drowned my life in alcohol. i’ve neglected paying bills and my work hasn’t been up to par. i go out when i dont even want to just to fill my time. it’s not even that i miss her. well i do a little, i mean we were together for 7 years, but i miss companionship. i miss having someone there. i need to get my life on track and i’ll be happy with myself. first off quit drinking.

I washed all my dirty shirts. A whole load in the washer if you can believe that. (The rest of my cloths are on tomorrow’s to do list). After that I cleaned my room, I actually have a chair again…and I can see my floor!

But the amazing part, to me at least, is that I had it all cleaned in a matter of 15 minutes. I timed myself out of boredom. And I did a fan-freakin-tasic job it I say so myself. :)

No new packages of underwear or socks under my bed this time…unfortunately. :/ lol, little joke for you Noll!

It appears that Syndi (my best friend) is getting her life…umm how do I put this? Back on the track she wants her life to be on. Long story short, she got back together with her ex boyfriend.

Her three boys are very happy that he is back and so is Syndi, personally I’m just happy that Syndi and her boys are happy. He is fine with me still living here and I’m fine with him moving back. He and I actually get along now that we have had time to get over our differences.

I see now that when there is no drama in the house he is a very relaxed and a genuinely nice person, he even appears to be a very good father figure to the boys. It feels like I’m in a family for the first time in a long time…though I can’t shake the burning question in that has been burning a hole through my forehead.

Will this last or will our lives jump back into chaos?

Ever since I quit my job my organization has become….lax. My room has had dirty clothing all over the floor and I haven’t seen my chair in over a three days. I think before I leave to house sit I NEED to organize my room this mess is too much to bear.

Granted this mess is not as bad as rooms I’ve had in the past (Nollie you’d be proud of how far I’ve come from the Culver st. house) but its ridiculous. I’m 20 years old I should know how to keep my own room clean.

I used to be hardcore about improving my self and have lost the spark…I have to learn to fake till I make it again or I’ll just stay stuck.

I Need to get my life on track. I’m really worrying about my GCSEs and I need to get all A Stars as my parents see “A”’s as fails. What’s worse is that people bully me continuously, so Its imperative that I show them that I’m not a loser nor a failure
:(

• I am going to work harderharderharder to get all A*s
• I will show my parents I’m not a failure and those bullies as well.
  Wish me luck!

so yeah not doing too much lately to get my life on track. i am now 25….but you know what? i started 25 off the right way, i had a great time on my bday. but yeah not doing too much to get a better job or more money….which would help me get my life on track. but i am always in the process….so what else can i say?