...and it’s a happy one!!!

Today is my seventh day of eating only breakfast, lunch and dinner!!!

No compulsive eating, or undereating or bizarre diets just a good plain old three balanced meal and no snacks. It sounds so simple and yet I have spent years trying to do this without causing myself problems. It’s early days of course but so far it has been a piece of cake (or not, lol!) and I can only attribute that to being in OA, starting a 12 step programme and finding my higher power! 2 years ago

1. Get the food balance right (new goal coming soon).
2. Reduce my alcohol intake (maybe even quit altogether?).
3. Up my exercise a little – 6×45mins.
4. Include yoga in my exercise regime again.
5. Cut trigger foods out of my diet.
6. Cut fizzy drinks & caffiene (eventually).
7. Get a little more sleep – 7 hours.
8. Use suncream more.
9. Floss more.
10. Drink more water.

Some are already part of other goals and some I may add seperately later. I have decided to keep this goal though as I have used it to address my health as a whole, physical, mental, emotional. What I have failed to address previously has been my spiritual health and I am starting to believe this has been why I have struggled. I’m hoping a new holistic approach will be more successful. 2 years ago

...have been rearing their heads once again.

The desire to starve/binge/purge has been strong but I have managed to avoid extreme behaviour. One of the main problems has been losing weight despite some compulsive eating (mainly through not eating to compensate). I CANNOT afford to fall back into my old ways.

For now I am giving OA a try. It’s early days but I am feeling quite committed to following the steps and giving myself a chance to let my old ways go.

I know being skinny doesn’t make me happy. I know changing my feelings with food (or anything else) doesn’t make me happy. I feel quite strongly right now that what I have to do (in order to live a more healthy life) is to be true to myself (on of my old goals!), live authentically according to my values and make the most of every second of this valuable precious life I have been given.

On my death bed I am not going to re-live the joy of a cream cake or the feel of bones poking through my skin; I am going to remember the people, the places, the experiences of life I have had.

I don’t want to abuse my body through any extremes or addictions any longer, I am grateful for what I have been given and right now I feel determined to look after what I have, keep it as healthy as I can and make the very best use of it! 2 years ago

...how rubbish I’ve been feeling lately!

Once my feeling faint thing passed I got horrendous jaw/tooth/ear/neck ache. That passed and I had about one day of feeling better before waking up this morning with a throat full of razors, streaming nose and lungs with the capacity of a mouse.

I hate moaning about feeling poorly when it’s just a cold that will pass but it’s really getting me down now. I’m trying to get motivated to get the right eating/exercise balance and when I’m ill all I want to do is curl up under a blanket and eat biscuits. Rah. 3 years ago

...but can’t figure out what’s wrong.

I have been feeling lightheaded and faint on and off for weeks (especially when sitting/driving) but the last few days it’s been awful. I’ve also had some pretty bad abdominal pain (in the gall bladder/pancreas region), some unexplained spotting (sorry for TMI) and generally feeling shattered.

I tried to get a doctors appt today but no joy. My MIL checked my blood pressure (104/75) and pulse (59) – fairly low but not particularly low for me. Just can’t figure it out and every online symptom checker suggests pregnancy which it’s definitely not!

Have bought a multivitamin with iron, drinking lots of water and going to get an early night and hopefully that will help. 3 years ago

Stuck to it pretty well.

Had a Snack on Weds and counted it as a Special day as I was at a one off ‘Linking Together’ school event with Jimmers.

Had a Snack on Friday and counted it as Saturday as I knew I wouldn’t have one then.

Not perfect but lost 2lb (Safely & Sensibly) which is the right direction. 3 years ago

...to have to such lovely 43T-ers among my friends. Your thoughtful and supportive messages have really got me thinking and right now I feel committed to listening to ‘healthy’ voice in my mind rather than the ‘others’.

I have given this much thought and have come to the conclusion that I need three different strategies:

1. A healthy eating plan that will allow me to lose weight gradually whilst protecting me from old demons.

2. Coping mechanisms for dealing with stress that don’t involve food/alcohol/money.

3. A means of developing my self-esteem.

I don’t know the answers right now but I will formulate goals in relation to them.

For now I am going to try out the No S diet in order to get back in control a little but without going to extremes. It was recommended by a fellow 43T-er too. It seems sensible, balanced and I found the website quite funny!

I am going to quit dairy again as going back on it has made me poorly and I’ve previously been tested as intolerant so I feel I can trust my decision.

If any of you think I am kidding myself about the sensibility of this plan please do challenge me as I feel I can’t completely trust my decision making processes at the moment! 3 years ago

...repeating behaviour of 4 years ago? Forgive some rambling lists while I try and figure this out…

Triggers

• Lunch with someone very much in the depths of an ED.
• My weight loss plateau.
• My sis losing weight fast by going vegan.
• Not sticking to my eating plans.
• Being compared with Sonia from Eastenders whilst my (larger) friend was alikened to Cheryl Cole.
• Working with some skinny people, one dangerously so.

I know

• Hubby loves me just the way I am and finds me more desirable around this weight.
• I am pretty healthy right now, though my BMI is slightly high.
• My old obsessions are creeping up on me.
• If I’m not careful I could fall….or jump.
• I am considering drastic measures like master cleanse/detox to lose weight, not to detox.
• I could be refocussing on food/weight due to the massive stress my job is causing me that is beyond my control.
• My self-esteem is in tatters and despite group therapy/counselling/psycho-therapy I still look to men to validate me.

I want

• To lose the remaining 20lb(28lb?) asaphealthily whatever.
• To live normally…no freaky alienating diets.
• To avoid the ED plague that pursues me.
• To be free from this (metaphorical & physical) weight.
• To feel good about myself without the needs for external approval.
• To set a good example to my children.
• To cope with stress without food/alcohol etc.

Should I?

• Eat 3 meals a day?
• Eat 6 small meals a day?
• Quit dairy?
• Quit meat?
• Quit sugar?
• Quit carbs?
• Quit processed foods?
• Eat raw?
• Eat ‘living’?
• Stick to a rigid meal plan?
• Detox/master cleanse?
• Try Cambridge/Lighter Life (if they’d have me?)
• Try WW, Slimming World etc.
• Increase exercise?

I feel I am floundering in a dark world of confusion and pain. I know I can lose weight quickly and sometimes it feels that is the only thing that matters but I know I don’t want to go back to that hellish world. I lost so much everytime I visited that place in the past I don’t want to go back….but…

I need a plan.

NB – The photo is me at my lowest weight. Sometime I look and can see I wasn’t healthy…other times I just long to be back there. Sigh. 3 years ago

Another confession. Why do people like to offload to me? Am I so obvious?! It was a weird relief not to have to be guarded but now I feel I’ve let my guard down where I wish I hadn’t. And, as always, it stirred the voices up and now none of them will shut up.

I need a strategy. A safe strategy. A healthy one. 3 years ago

...with someone who knows some of the battles I’ve fought in the past. She came right out and admitted she has an eating disorder. I knew, of course I knew, but it was tough to find the ‘right’ voice.

We were talking about weight and I said I still want to lose 2 stone…but I’ve been saying my goal is a stone and a half. I know in my mind that target is creeping up.

I feel I am better informed now and I know the dangers. It doesn’t stop me (foolishly?) thinking I have outwitted the demon though. I don’t even want to say how out loud incase it exposes me but I am trying to let the healthy voice of reason shout loud (or at least speak).

When/how will this end? 3 years ago

...I added this goal to address the eating disorders that have plagued me since I was around 8. I didn’t want an ED specific goal as sometimes I find talking to/reading entries of other sufferers too triggering. This goal is not just about combatting my EDs but developing a healthy relationship with food, alcohol, exercise and my body.

I feel I am doing relatively well in this arena at the moment. I have been very very gradually losing weight over the past year, rather than losing it dramatically as I have done in the past. I’m doing a minimum of 45 mins walking a day and the alcohol I am being mindful of. I feel I am making progress but I am wary of how quicky my thinking can be hijacked by the old ED voices and I am afraid of reaching my goal weight when things become oh so dangerous.

I will keep the goal here for now but I may also add some more specific goals too. 3 years ago

Staring down a slippery slope.
Back away.
Now. 3 years ago

Talking the talk, but not walking the walk. 3 years ago

Icy fingers seek reassurance. 3 years ago

eat well, excercise, don’t be stressed out! 3 years ago

Ok, so not the complete end of the goal as I want to continue to live a more healthy life but the end as in the realisation of what living a healthy life really consists of for me.

Weight:

So most of the ‘ideal weight’ charts (and believe me I have examined many) state that for my height (5”0) I should weigh between 7st 4lb and 8st 12lb. For years I believed this meant I could weigh 7st 4lb and be healthy....but no. I have learnt (the extremely hard way) that once I go below around 8st 3lb my periods stop and I slip into a nightmare state of depression and anorexia. It sucks, it’s not fair and I hate admitting it but finally I’m accepting that the top end of my weight range is what’s healthy for me. Lots of people may be lucky enough to stay healthy below this weight…but I’m not one of them.

You don’t know how hard it is for me to have written that down. It sounds silly but I find it really upsetting.

Exercise:

Again these are my rules based on me, I have a tendency to get addicted to things and I have to be a bit careful. I find obsessions so easy to slip into and exercise should be part of a healthy life…not life itself. So, for me, daily yoga, 3/4 walks a week and 3/4 runs a week (including gym!) seems to be the right balance, with one day a week for rest. Doing anything x5 plus starts to dominate me.

Alcohol:

I’ve come to the conclusion that I flirted with alcoholism very dangerously and was lucky to escape virtually unscathed. I have to be VERY careful around booze becoming a daily feature or over used as a means of coping with stress. I don’t feel I need to become tee total, I decided to limit myself to once a week plus special occasions and I feel confident with three months under my belt that I’ve changed the habit. I just mustn’t become complacent.

That’s just the start….I need to ponder and fine tune my rules around diet, caffiene, supplements, stress, sleep and more. 4 years ago

Ever since I had that damned goal ‘to gain weight’ (which ironically I made with the intention of being healthy) I haven’t been living a healthy life. Yes, I needed to gain a stone or so but somewhere on that path I wandered off and became entangled in a web of alcohol and food and lost my way. A suspected fractured coxis (sp?) didn’t help as I couldn’t exercise for a while and then I fell out of the habit.

When I fell pregnant with Stinky Pinkleton I improved my health to some degree by reducing my alcohol consumption but I never quite got to where I wanted to be. Since she was born in October I’ve had good intentions and have made some improvements but I find breastfeeding gives me momentous appetite and being at home during the day makes munching too accessible.

Finally this week I have managed to get my arse in gear and start taking some real action. I’ve upped my walking to everyday and am making it brisk. I started a yoga class today and am going back to the gym next week. I’m eager to get running again and have signed up for another 5k. I know I need to be mindful of my tendency to become addicted to exercise but for now I think I can keep it in check.

I have also improved my eating somewhat (although not perfect). I’ve found that aiming for five fruit/veg a day is reducing the unhealthy snacking. E.g. I was a bit peckish a minute ago and had a carrot instead of the toast I would often reach for.

It’s helping that some close friends of mine are also trying to loose weight and get fit and they also know about my past issues and have promised to tell me if I start to get too obsessive! 4 years ago

Immediate gratification vs long term health & well-being.
Eating & exercising for health not happiness.
Such a dilemma. 4 years ago

Both literally and figuratively.

I’ve had a couple of really good long walks this past week – 3 hours Weds and about 2 and a half Fri but walked faster. It feels good to be stretching my muscles out again.

The real miles have been made in my mindset though. For the first time I can genuinely say I was exercising for health and wellbeing – not for weightloss. I enjoyed a good lunch both days and didn’t feel I’d ‘undone my good work’.

I just really hope I can maintain this feeling! 4 years ago

As when I was pregnant with Jimmers, being pregnant again has allowed me to follow a healthy lifestyle with a greater ease. I haven’t been perfect but I haven’t allowed the demons to take hold.

As I approach the final weeks of my pregnancy I can feel the pull of old habits re-appearing. It’s not about being healthy, it’s about being thin.

I have talked to my therapist about it but I don’t feel confident about my control over being in control. Both hubby and Mum have mentioned their concerns in the past week – I haven’t lied, we’re way past that point, but I can’t say ‘it wont happen again’ with faith.

I really need to re-focus. 4 years ago

...but given my history of extremes that’s probably not a bad thing.

I’ve slowed down my weight gain and even lost a teeny bit just through making healthier choices. Still not super healthy but hubby is making an effort to cook dinners with lots of fresh veg and we’ve avoided take aways for a while.

I really want to increase the exercise I take but I feel a bit restricted both by the pregnancy and by my worsening asthma. I will overcome those issues though – just by getting back into the routig of walking the dog (hubby and K doing it at the mo) and by picking up some yoga again. 4 years ago

I can’t believe that my last entry was 8 months ago with the diagnosis of Premature Menopause. It seems unreal that I’m sitting here pregnant when 8 months ago I was told I’d probably never be able to conceive again.

Weirdly the way I seemed to solve a lot of my problems was to be unhealthy. It is me all over to go from one extreme to the other. I went from daily running/yoga/gym and restricted diet to spending six months mainly drunk and eating crap.

I’ve put on 4 stone which I hate, but the upshot it that my hormone production restarted and I was able to come off HRT and conceive. I still have to cope with the osteopenia which has been the hallmark of my anorectic episodes but hopefully I can stop the condition getting any worse.

Now I’m faced with the challenge I’ve always known I have to meet – to maintain a balance, to eat healthily but not to slip back into eating disorders, to exercise but not to the expense of all else, to focus on my health not soley on my appearance. To be aware of healthy living but not to let it take over my life. 5 years ago

i drink my water all the time, but i cant let the food im not supposed to eat go. i have diabetes two, which in itself is horrid, but i make it. Right now im trying to cut back. 5 years ago

So I came to my old home town for my vacation, here until late August.
woot woot. But heres the catch. I’m staying with my brothers and they eat potatoe chips and all these fattening foods. So far I’ve introduced Milk and cereal as well as yogurt, pears, peppers, and blue berries back into their fridge. It’s really hard trying to eat, never the less live healthy when I’m surrounded by junk food. Also this heat is killer and makes you want to dwell inside with the AC blasting. But I really should go for a run, lately its just been me on the floor doing push ups and crunches and lots of squats.
By the time I get home I may have gained some weight..
So when I go home I shall.

-Get a job and use the money to buy food
-the food shall consist of fruits, vegetables, Soy.
-I’ll start doing my 2 hour runs again once I get back
-Drink 10 glasses of water
-start lifting weights

Now I have this date in october, quite a big one.
Must look great. 5 years ago

Last Tuesday the endocrinologist informed me that I am experiencing Premature Menopause caused by Primary Ovarian Failure that may or may not be caused by my eating disorder.

I was ok, then devastated, then sad, then optimistic, then in denial and now I think I’m just numb.

It’s not really sunk in yet. 5 years ago

Start the day with yoga check, 10 mins
Go for a run or to the gym check, 35 mins
Take all my medication check
Take all my supplements check, yay – that’s a first
Follow the blood sugar balance rules check
Eat small, slow and often check, every 2 hours
Avoid sugar, wheat, caffeine, sweetners & excess dairy check
Drink at least 8 glasses of water check
End the day with yoga (Missed, but replaced with Desperate Housewives, a glass of wine & a snuggle with hubby!)
Get at least six hours sleep each night – need to get to bed in 10 mins to check this one off!!!

I think writing myself a list was really useful – I thought it was going to be a lot harder not to let my lapse become a relapse but I’ve been pleasantly surprised by my own determination and control! Yay!!! 6 years ago

...bad day.

I need to follow my guide to living a healthy life:

• Start the day with yoga
• Go for a run or to the gym
• Take all my medication
• Take all my supplements
• Follow the blood sugar balance rules
• Eat small, slow and often
• Avoid sugar, wheat, caffeine, sweetners & excess dairy
• Drink at least 8 glasses of water
• End the day with yoga
• Get at least six hours sleep each night

I’ve realised today just how much I need to get properly back on track. I’m just really struggling to find the balance between over controlled and out of control. Some days I’ve been there – others I have been miles off – I AM going to go back to that good (happy & healthy) place and stay there! 6 years ago

....from watching ‘Super Skinny Me’ last night. I saw the advert and it was the race of two journalists trying to get to a size double zero. I knew watching it would put me in a bad place with the scales/tape measure/restriction – so I just didn’t watch it!

Now that was a healthy choice! 6 years ago

After writing my earlier entry I spend ages pondering over which weight gaining goal to adopt. I couldn’t make myself click ‘I want to do this’ however much I know I should. So I have decided to perform a simple cost benefit analysis to weigh up the pros and cons of change and help me define my motivation.

Costs of recovery

•I will gain weight
•I will feel out of control
•I won’t be the thinnest
•I will feel disappointed
•I will look fat
•People will comment
•My tiny clothes won’t fit
•I won’t be able to cope
•I will lose part of my identity
•I will have to feel my emotions
•I will feel self-conscious
•I will feel like a failure
•I might spiral out of control
•I might get really fat

Total: 14

Benefits of my ED

•It gives me control
•It helps me cope with stress
•It keeps me thin
•I am the thinnest at work
•I weigh less than ever before
•I am a ‘size zero’
•I am part of a secret society
•It numbs my pain
•It makes me feel successful
•It makes me feel proud

Total: 10

Costs of my ED

•It could kill me
•It shortens my life expectancy
•It causes worry to my family
•I’m a bad role model
•It has given me depression
•It has given me osteopenia
•It has stopped my periods
•I have lost my breasts
•It has killed my libido
•The veins on my arms protrude
•I am constantly cold
•My hair is falling out
•My eyes have dark circles
•It effects my concentration
•I have dizzy spells
•I get tired easily
•I cannot run as long as I could
•My bones protrude
•I cannot sit down without pain
•It makes me feel ashamed

Total: 20

Benefits of recovery

•I will live longer
•I will look better
•My family can stop worrying
•I’ll be setting a good example
•My depression will ease
•My periods will return
•My osteopenia may improve
•I will have more energy
•I will stop getting dizzy
•My hair will stop falling out
•I’ll be free from the ed prison
•My breasts will get bigger
•My libido will return
•I’ll feel like a woman again
•I could enjoy eating out more
•I can join in social events
•I can stop making excuses
•It will stop the gossip/rumours
•I’ll be doing the right thing
•I’ll get my Jimmy Choo’s
•I will be living a healthy life

Total: 21

Grand total: ED 24 vs Recovery 41

There’s no competition really is there? Recovery wins! I am going to choose my weight gain goal and when I click ‘I want to do this’, I know I really mean it! 6 years ago

1. Low self-esteem

a) Personal development work

I didn’t think it possible to change how I feel about myself so quickly and with such confidence – but I have! I need to watch out for the old self critical thoughts incase they creep back in but overall I think I can mark problem #1 as done!

2. Eating disorder

b) ED clinic, nurse, nutritionist, hypnotherapist and workshop

I had my assessment at the ed clinic two weeks ago. I didn’t post about it because really I wasn’t ready to face the truth. I am underweight and my bmi is 18.4. I have been referred for further groupwork and one to one cbt. Unfortunately the waiting list is around nine months. I can’t wait that long.

3. Hypothalamus hypopituaitary ovarian failure

c) Endocrinologist referral

I’m still waiting for some more blood test results and an mri but it seems a straightforward case of my periods stopping due to losing too much weight/body fat. I had an ultrasound where I was told that I had ‘a smaller than average uterus’ and ‘immature ovaries’. Hopefully these things can be reversed with weight gain. For now the endocrinologist has started me on the contraceptive pill, apparently the oestrogen is sufficent to prevent any further bone damage and protect against heart disease. It should also give me some type of menstrual cycle.

4. Orthapedic problems

d) Bone scan & orthapedic surgeon referral

My bone scan results came back stating that I have low bone density in my spine classified as osteopenia. If only my GP had stated me on the pill eight months ago this may have been prevented. My nutritionist has receommended dietary changes and supplements and hopefully my bone density will improve in time. Physiotherapy to start in two weeks.

5. Depression

e) Anti-depressant

Doctor doubled AD dose as advised by occupational health doctor. Feeling more myself than I have done in ages. I will try coming off them once my weight has increased.

6. Stress & anxiety

f) Yoga & meditation

Yoga is still helping immensly but I do still have moments where the stress and anxiety become overwhelming. I think I need to shift my concentration back to saying no more often and relaxing!

Summary

It seems blindingly obvious what I need to do….gain weight. I feel pretty stupid for not facing up to it for so long. Virtually all my health problems are directly related to my ed. Now I could wait nine months for further treatment and risk getting sicker…..or I could pull myself together, grow up, be brave and grab the bull by the horns.

I am going to do this.6 years ago