be brave

“I realized that whatever we do or don’t do, we’re utterly exposed.”
(Our new Poet Laureate.)

I’m using that to keep in mind that I’ll judge myself if I don’t try, far more than I will if I fail or struggle. It’s worth it for my self respect.

I was so afraid to make the phone call and to ask about money. I took a translation to make, 68 pages, but I had no time and so I’ve done only 6 of it and then refused on doing it. So I was afraid of calling and asking money for that 6 pages I’ve translated. I was so afraid but happily called the guy and he told me he will pay and that everything is ok. Great! I want to go on doing things I’m afraid of! :)

The class is really good for me. If nothing else, it forces me to sit down and look at my writing on a near daily basis. I really look forward to writing class each Monday. And last night I had a really good moment- I think I made a friend!

A woman whose writing I admire stopped to chat with me and we discussed trying to continue the work of this class in a writing group afterwards. I’m sure it won’t be the whole class (I wouldn’t be that excited about it if it were), but if maybe 4 or 6 people met regularly to hash through our writing, I think it’d be really good for me. It’d make me accountable. Hell, even if it’s just the two of us, it’d be great.

This goal is now pretty specifically symbolizing trying to figure out the next steps for pushing myself into pursuing my dreams rather than simply resenting other people who do.

Scares the crap out of me.

Hey,I know it is very difficult for me,especially now,
I am a bit worried about getting a job in sz,
what can I do?
an assistant? yes,I think I can do it well, but I am not sure I will be granted the chance,
kind of luck things,
oh, do I really have no responsibility of that?
I need to fully prepare,100%, then the chance will be mine.

Well, this is my first entry on this

Not pretty

I made bad judgment and blew on some other guy

He does not deserve it

Ok, I think I am being brave to admit it

So, here we go

I do not leave anything in a negative way

I wish I could be brave.
Many people would say I am confident, yet as I’m the kind of person who hides their true feelings, I can never bring myself to reveal how things affect me, and I tend to end up wishing I’d done something, rather than actually doing something.
Currently, my big fear is that a certain person will leave me. I really need to get things into proportion. The thing is, this is my outlet – I would never dare ask for advice from my friends, or show that I’m scared because people rely on me to be strong.
I can be strong, right?

I think I’ve been brave. Some days are harder than others and the man I’m married to has been completly ignoring me… His stories are full of lies and it’s really hurting me. I’m doing my best to move on and be brave when faced with all this, but some days I just feel like laying down and just dying so I never have to get up and face the world.

At work they found out he was gone and it was very hard. I handled it well, but I could have done better. I feel very much alone right now…. I wish I could be brave all the time.

Having to be even slightly self-reliant in travel helps this. If you’re poor and have to make due with what you get, it makes it even more possible. I hated being outside my comfort bubble, but it does toughen you up. You learn to deal and make due and carry on. I’m trying to maintain that cleaner, no-nonsense inner simplicity now that I’m back in a real bed with better food. Now all I have to do is stand up to people who don’t treat me well.

J requested I simply try using the weedwhacker without the lesson I’d requested. He stayed nearby (entertaining the kids) and gave me a few tips. It was ridiculously easy, despite my fear. I managed to only partially abuse the deliberate plants. This is excellent since I can now keep the mildly landscaped areas under control. Much much faster than weeding. (I’ll weed the mulched areas, but we have an area I want to be low maintenance.)

Proud of myself for just giving it a try.