be brave

this was kind of scary, but really fun. I’m surprised I was up for it, because I won’t usually do stuff like that if there aren’t any seatbelts or anything.

I am turning into a wimp :((
My 43T list is full of adventures. I have done some of them in the past. But lately I have been a chicken. I don’t watch horror or suspense movies coz I get scared, nervous. Not good. I wasn’t like this. I gotta change this. I have to put adventure back in my life.

I am tired of being afraid of life and in particular what other people think of me. I want to be brave.

Think about it. What’s so incredibly brave about pretending that your insecurities simply don’t exist? The hardest thing is failing miserably. And the worst failure is not to face the situation in the first place. Facing a situation is usually called brave, but running from it truly seems braver. It should be practiced more :D.

^{I’ve always liked Oscar’s paradoxies. They’re starting to rub off on me.}

Anyway, I’m off to acting cowardly. See you all when I’ve cleared away that heap of books obstructing my view.

^{I am practicing a bit of bravery as well, though, by not writing poems like the good girl I should be :D}

Sometimes I have trouble standing up for myself. I want to change that.

At least it feels that way to me. It’s not easy to paint at home, in a small room with a BIG bed and obstructed light. I got the background done and I like the way it turned out, sort of a blue sky with morning light look. I’m still not sure what I’m going to portray in this painting, but I think I’ll wait until after the next meeting on March 21st to tackle that. This canvas is so much smaller than the other that it will take me less time to finish. Or so I think.

this is my third try, sometimes i really want to give up. But when i think about the people who loves me , i tell myself,be brave! i am convinced that ,finally i can get through this and achieve my goal!

It hurts. Today hurts. Today, this date on which he killed himself, may always hurt. I read the note again this morning. It rips me up and heals me to read it. He loved me. He loved me and it didn’t make a damn bit of difference in the end. Next year he will have been dead as long as we were married.

I’m tired of crying for a dead man. I’m so damn tired. I don’t want to think about this any more. I don’t want to feel about this any more. I’m not free yet. Close to free, but not quite there. I keep tearing up and the words that I hear every time are “I’m sorry.” I am sorry. For every mean thing I ever said to him. For every time I was cruel or dismissive. For the whole sick sad mess.

I hate this day. I hate the way it saps my strength and confidence. It feels like Judgment Day every year and although my intellect is at peace with the decisions I made, my heart is not.

I’m not okay.

brave today.
Whenever I have to present myself, talking in front of a group or camera, I have to repress the impulse to stay away or to run and hide. I actually bring myself to face these situations far more often than absolutely necesary, but each time remains a struggle.

Yay! Just started! So I have decided that I need to take control of where I’m going in life, instead of just going along with whatever happens to happen. In order to do that I need to make decisions, and in order to make decisions I need to be brave. I think the main thing I’m scared of is talking/confronting other people. Others would call this “shyness” but I’m not shy at all once I decide the person isn’t intimidating. So that’s what I’m kind of working on. If you agree with me, I love you! =) If not, you should! haha just kidding