become more assertive

Decided to change my mind about this project. yes i need to become more assertive but I don’t think I am committed enough and I don’t see it as a goal that I need to achieve now. So, my new goal is to save some money. However, I may still chat about this here if need be…

This week has been a long one. I have made a little progress. I still find this hard, its difficult to put my opinion across sometimes and I worry what other people will think and whether I have the confidence to back my knowledge up. Maybe i need to believe in myself more, i dunno.
I think im a good teacher and that i do a good job. I wish i could tell everyone i work with.
I wanted to speak up at the meeting about work programs and I wish i did….. I feel like im not making any progress…..

Yesterday I asked for assistance with writing a report for a new student. I never ask for help, it felt good asking and I don’t know why i haven’t asked like this before. I also I accepted help from a colleague.
I also said NO!I said NO to driving a 24 seater bus in the city for a class excursion (too hard) I haven’t driven a 24 seater since i got my bus license two years ago, so i said i would drive the 14 seater instead. This hasn’t been so hard yet.
When I said no, my heart was beating a hundred miles an hour and my hands started to sweat. I don’t know what I thought would happen.
Well it’s been a big week so far! Can’t believe how easy this has been this week.

I am on a journey of self improvement as an assignment for my masters course. I need to become more assertive because I am selling myself short (in my professional life) as a result. Today i did well and told my teaching assistant what i needed her to do . Responding when it happens and being assertive, YAY ME!

I found myself last week in one of those awkward conversations on the phone with a friend. He owes me quite a bit of money, and was discussing some of his grand plans for a trip. While it’s the sort of thing that I usually would let slip, I realized that this was fully in line with the kind of situation I had in mind when I put “Become more assertive” as a goal, and so took a breath and talked to him about it. The conversation went well, and I felt so much better afterwards.

It’s fascinating the power that simply having a goal like this named and online somewhere can have towards trying to make it happen.

I had a great opportunity come my way to work on an exciting web project this past week. It would be with folks I like, doing something I’m good at.

It felt wonderful to say No! Typically as soon as I free up my time I almost instantly commit myself to some project or other, most often someone else’s. It’s wonderful to slowly start turning down projects that are great, but aren’t what I want to be doing right now.

In the past week I’ve had two small assertions that have pleased me:

The first was suggesting to our Video group that we should divide percentage of any profits based on work load, and suggesting what I thought were appropriate percentages. It looks like we’re going to go with them, as opposed to an equal split.

The second was backing out of this Thursday’s lion dance. It was hard for me to work up the nerve to do it, particularly as I do feel that I owe my Sifus. But when I explained the reasons why this week is crazy, they were totally understanding.

Just having the goal written down here is helpful: it reminds me in a concrete way that this is something I need to work on.

at work. Someone there has been screwing me around lately, after my one week of working there, and I’m afraid to confront them or do anything about it. The manager is on vacation, so maybe by the time he gets back I will have the courage to do it. This is stupid, but the main reason I don’t want to express my feelings and assert my needs in this situation…. is that I’m afraid I’ll cry while I’m doing so. I hate crying in front of people. It makes me feel so weak and foolish and over-emotional. The fear that I will cry has prevented me from expressing myself many, many times before. Not a good reason. I need to work through that.

I had a good talk with my employers yesterday, and realized that I wasn’t going to be able to have the April I envisioned (fully off, with no work responsibilities). I stuck to my guns as much as possible, but saw that my entire idea of working project on – project off wasn’t going to be feasible.

The company is fantastic! Small, flexible, making great software and fun to work in, but it left me with a tough decision: Stay in a very good, stable, secure position that wasn’t quite what I wanted, or risk leaving and striking out on my own.

I’ve taken two days to think about it, and sent in my letter of resignation today. I’ll be working light the next couple of months, then as of May I am on my own employment / project wise. Terrifying and exhilarating. I feel such a profound sense of freedom, literally as of a weight lifitng off my chest. And I feel great about not letting my own needs take second place to the needs of those around me (as is frequently my pattern).

Being with Jon helped me assert myself because he speaks very bluntly so I feel safer doing so with him. I appreciate our relationship, because all the time that I was being honest and straightforward with him, I was learning to be comfortable doing so. He taught me that I don’t have to fear it, it’s a lot easier than it seems. I hadn’t realized I’d made any progress until yesterday when I was talking to one of my best friends Caleb and he made a comment. He was trying to explain something to me and I filled in the blank one time when he paused. He said, “Yeah. Exactly. I wouldn’t have thought to put it so directly, but that’s actually…. exactly what it is. Good job. Couldn’t have put it better.” Now, I trust this guy and he’s never said anything like that to me before. Score!