Back in college days some of my friends were telling how their moms stress and push on them to bleach, taking care of their outer appearance, and attending each and every single wedding party so as to be “seen” by others. I was all the time bragging about how mum never talked to me about such things, and how she believes that education should come first a head of every thing else, and obtaining my college degree should be my number one priority. I was so comfortable with that ‘cause doing the so-girly stuff was nt really my thing.
Now I graduated, an year ago. I am twenty two year-old and then suddenly my mum was doing THAT kind of conversation, the one i was bragging for never having it with her.
-“Why your skin is so dark?”
-“We just attended a wedding party and the bride was younger than you are!”
-“Stop reading so much books! you are wasting your time! Girl,it is not about books.”
-“Do you even remember the last time you applied a fairness cream on your face?”
-“Befriending boys? You better know a man and marry him and start having an independent responsible life.”
And this kind of things, will let you imagine other stuff.
And it hurts me. A LOT. I was really really sad, and I dont even blame my mother, almost the whole local society here acts the same way.
No one accepts you the way you are, and then you have to change who you are, and then you became fake, and then anyone likes you, and then you think you are happy ‘cause you are accepted. The whole thing is a big fat lie.
I am a bookworm, i constantly read, or thinking about the next book to read, or spending money on books, or discovering new bookstores and libraries, or giving away books to the very special people I know, or begging others to bring me books. I dont watch TV that much, and I hate big gatherings.I am always wearing those big nerdy -2.5 eye glasses ‘cause I cant see (and live) without them, and i have acne and some other skin problems. There is ALWAYS a book in my bag, i dont leave house without a book. I feel so insecure without one! And I spend most of the time coding something or browsing I.T blogs. Im fully convinced that I am young to marry, I still feel like I want to meet new people and get myself into new experience, try new things.
My mother wants to change me into a totally different version of “Taqwa”, and she feels so uncomfertable about the current way and style of my life.
Now i am trapped in the middle between changing me just to please my mother, and keeping the originality of who I am because this is authentic. I still find it difficult listening to all these hints from other people, acknowledging their dislike about the way I am, and I keep ignoring it, but when it comes from mum it is even more awkward! And sadly, I am a highly-sensitive person, a very very very highly-sensitive person. You can imagine how I feel when I am stuck at such a situation. 2 months ago