be less sensitive

(It’s part of the job when you work in a hospital)

I don’t know why I feel compelled to write about this under the banner of being sensitive. But I think there’s a point to be made.

I was spending some time with my fiance last night.
And we somehow got into that high five game that kids (and adults) play.

You know the one.

Someone says: “Give me 5”..and you hit their hand.
Then they say “on the side”..
Then they say “down below” etc..

Well when we got to the “you’re too slow” bit, she removed her hand too quickly.
Now, normally my reaction would be to say

“Hey. Let me try again”.
Or say “but you moved your hand too fast”..
Or, say, “hey that’s not fair”.

What do these responses really say about a person. I think they say that:
“I am taking this little game seriously”. “I don’t like losing”.
...
And most importantly
“I don’t like looking like an idiot that can’t hit your hand in time”

Instead of shouting out something like the above i.e. something that would be a hyper sensitive response, instead, I said something else. Something that was uncconcious. And something that got the nicest reaction.

I said “Ohh noooo!!!!!” in a kid’s voice as I missed her hand on the way down.
And she loved it. Not because she observed that I wasn’t being sensitive. The example is too subtle.
But because it made me human. The response played along with the spirit of the game and made it more fun. I loved my response and so did she.

Its a tiny example that illustrates how, if we can modify our response to something, we can feel and appear more real and genuine to other people. I think being sensitive can be a good thing. But we need to choose when it is appropriate to be sensitive to a comment or situation and when it isn’t.
:-)

I’m male, 34, in a relationship. Engaged actually. And hyper-sensitive. To the point where I actually indulge in it.

I wonder whether people that are over sensitive also exhibit another group of behaviours. I’m not a psychologist or anything, but I think by understanding the condition better, it might help me deal with it better.

Here’s the behavioural grouping I was thinking about.

You like helping others.
You under value your own abilities and over elevate other people’s abilities
You have low self esteem.
You surround yourself mostly with people who in comparison aren’t as successful, or as good looking as you.
You prefer your own company to others.
You CONSTANTLY reject love from other people.

Can anyone else relate? I’d be interested to get feedback.

I get upset so easily, and then if I cry then I can’t concentrate on coursework for the rest of the day.
It can’t continue.
It’s prob due to my not being able to let go of the past – I am letting go, but in stages and there are still things that bother me, may bother me for some time yet, there is no telling how long.
I don’t want to force myself but I don’t want to let it affect my life so drastically.
I’m going home next week and going to get some sun I hope.
Hopefully I can stay optimistic and will do better when next semester starts.

done

I have always been the sort to be described as over-sensitive or “taking things personally”.

I had resided to the fact that I would always be this way. However through therapy (person-centred / humanistic / integrative approach if you’re interested lol), I have become a bit less sensitive, and it is improving all the time.

Obviously I can’t explain the whole complex process of how this came about, but I can try and summarise to give people clues of how this might be possible (note my therapist has had other clients who were sensitive who also overcame a lot of their over-sensitivity).

1) Knowing when emotions are yours, and when they are others!
2) Boundaries (setting, and keeping)
3) Assertiveness
4) Releasing old pains and trauma through therapy
5) Stop helping too much – be kind to yourself too!

I can expand a bit on each point:

1: [Knowing when emotions are yours, and when they are others!]:
If I interact with or see someone angry, I sometimes feel the anger and feel scared or some fear, or I feel defensive etc. This can put me on edge. However I have now learned to know when someone is angry at me or something I’ve done, and when they are angry with something else. If I realise the anger isn’t to do with me, I just remind myself, and I psychologically distance myself from the emotion thinking “It’s their emotion not mine”. Own your emotions and let them own theirs!

2: [Boundaries (setting, and keeping)]:

Know your limits and what you find comfortable. e.g. If you don’t want a certain friend to call you too much, then “set” a boundary with them – it is healthy to be thoughtful and tactful, but still be firm. If they throw up a fuss remember it’s THEIR problem not yours. Of course you have to weigh up boundaries, BUT it’s up to you to set and maintain them. They can be similar to checkpoints on country borders, i.e. you might not want to let everyone or every event or emotion in! If someone oversteps a boundary then tell them again of the boundary (of course boundaries are slightly fluid and flexible so can move a bit, but don’t let them slip too much as you can start feeling angry or abused). A common example might be someone not knocking when they enter your room (housemate or parent or employee), so you might want to explain why that isn’t acceptable for you.

3: [Assertiveness]: Look this up assertiveness techniques on another website maybe. It is better to be assertive than angry.

4: [Releasing old pains and trauma through therapy]:
If we feel pain from the past that is deep within us, then people can unconsciously remind us of it and therefore “trigger” the pain. However if we aren’t aware it’s there, we might get more angry or hurt than we probably should do in a given situation. It’s similar to someone prodding a physical wound, it will hurt more than if the wound isn’t there. Sometimes it can be good to keep a journal of strong emotions, and write down what happened to trigger the emotion. We can then later analyse to see if the emotion was of reasonable intensity, or was it too little or too much?

5: [Stop helping too much – be kind to yourself too!]:
If you are a sensitive person, you may feel it impossible to resist helping absolutely everyone you meet (which is totally admirable), but we can forget our own energy levels and emotional levels. This can include thinking too much of people who are worse off in other countries. All I am saying is to get the balance right. If we don’t think of anyone at all, then that is clearly selfish. However if we help too much, and think of others suffering too much, we might end up getting so depressed or tired that we are unable to help anyone as we are not functioning at optimum. I suppose the phrase “we need to help ourselves before we can help others” springs to mind. I always used to feel guilty being kind to myself, but I’ve learnt to be a bit selfish (but really it isn’t selfish, it’s just balancing out kindness between me and others).

Also check out “projection” and “transference” if you’re interested in further understanding of things relating to possible over-sensitivity issues.

I don’t want to suggest that what has worked for me will work for others, and of course I’ve simplified and probably therefore missed some stuff out.

Even if one little bit of this post helps one person a bit then it was worth writing hehe :o)

I’m still moving forward with overcoming this goal, so I’ll keep you posted. I didn’t believe it could be overcome as I REALLY thought it was just “the way I was”.

I think being very sensitive is a gift (yet can be a curse if we don’t learn to control it). On one hand we might smell a rose and feel bliss and joy, but on the other hand, if something goes wrong that is really a small thing, it might ruin our day. So sometimes sensitive people do need to train to overcome the negative aspects.

It is learning when to use your sensitivity. I can turn it on or off to some extent. A friend once called it a “psychic shield”.

But I think I’ve gotten a good handle on it. I am much less prone to spaz out, more calm when dealing with things, and more likely to stop for a beat and think before speaking.

I think I am more or less chronically wound up because of my home environment while growing up. I remember my sister’s screaming (actually, I can’t even describe the kind of sound that came from her throat, but it is something you’d hear from a two year old rather than a fifteen year old) every day over every little thing, and her sneering comments, my brother’s bullying. My mother’s indifference. Alternate coldness and hostility. (My dad, bless him, tried to understand, but was rarely a witness to it.) By the time I was eleven my nerves were fairly shot. I felt like I was constantly having to defend myself. And all I ever wanted was peace, cooperation. I couldn’t just breathe easy. I remember just gradually tuning everything out and withdrawing, but lashing out at any sign of a forthcoming insult or intrusion. And there were many.

So that’s how my body and psyche have been conditioned. I’d never really thought about it before, how all of that could effect my personal nature.

I think I’m finally putting it all together now. My intolerance for so many things, even little things that remind me of that experience. I get that same clenched feeling in my chest, that panic, that bitterness, whenever something frustrates me. Why little things seem to threaten me. I have few nerves left to process/absorb shock. I think I know where to trace that to now.

and self-righteous, fighting every little thing.

If you’re not going to care about it in two weeks, do yourself a favor and just let it go.

for any guys: theres a lot of tablets used to bodybuilding that increase testosterone, and reduce estrogen. recommended!