Didn’t go this week. Meant to, wanted to, just got sidetracked playing guitar. 3 years ago

Didn’t go last night. :( Post-work transportation via bus did not pan out. 3 am alarm clock. boo.

talked to aunt. she has parkinson’s and fibromyalgia. she fell twice this week, broke a rib. her brother in law died.

Talking about The Gay: “everyone has problems.” She says, in support of my mother “it’s a shock.” “No one is to blame.” I notice in her speech I’m a ‘that:’ well, that’s nothing new. “Everything changes, nothing stays the same.” Really.

Ok, so she so completely doesn’t get it, there isn’t even any use in telling her she doesn’t get it because she thinks she gets it. I ask, “why is it a shock?” She doesn’t know.

how many hells? seven? nine? napoleon?

I think anti-gay bigotry might be the desire to have gays tell you you are helping them when you are in no way helping them, and are unwilling to help them, and are instead in fact insulting them, while shielding yourself from the fact that you are insulting them, and from the facts of the gay experience. Note also the power differential. I’m talking about family here. They want to support me but only if I lie to them and tell them they aren’t insulting or disrespecting me. Yet insulting and disrespectful support isn’t helpful. Yet they openly malign me for not allowing me to help them. So the only way to appease them is to accept their help and their disrespect in pleased silence. So they only want to disrespect me. So their love is disrespect. This dynamic began when I “came out of the closet.” No – appeasing them began years ago. The dynamic CHANGED when I “came out of the closet.” Clearly, I think my family are bigots. Do they want appeasement? Why would they, really? I think I clearly got the message that HOMOSEXUALITY IS DISRESPECTFUL. Hm. Maybe that happened when my Step-dad would rush towards me shouting “RESPECT!” I’m just thinking out loud here.

I imagine they are thinking, they will attempt to comfort while holding belief in their own love, and will do so regardless of the form their communication takes, and in the process, they communicate a rejection of human form. I postulate that this is because they subconsciously are afraid to make the transgression of treating homosexuality as the same as heterosexuality, instead agreeing with the dominant societal notion that the only true love is heterosexual sex.

I understand this problem goes back 100’s of years to the sexualization of religious teaching. 3 years ago

Went to group last night. Only 4 people there, so we got to talk about things in depth. the moderator asked about my job search. i admitted to not having a targeted approach. career counseling happens to be his field, so he gave me his card after the group, so i could contact him separately and we could discuss what resources are available.

after all, i’ve done a $3M forensic accounting and saved a multi-national co. tens of thousands of dollars. it’s clear that my obstacle to employment is not my ability.

i signed a separation notice while i was holding back tears, without reading it fully. in doing so i signed a document that said i lied. that was a year ago. prior to being fired i had been sexually harassed for six months due to my sexual orientation.

i talked to my parents about it. my step-dad said i should speak to an attorney; my step-dad tells me to fight. my mother just cried.

i haven’t yet spoken to an attorney. I have three years to bring a case in Superior Court.

to fight the separation notice, i will have to organize all of the documents i have pertaining to the firing, and i expect that process to be fairly agonizing. i will have to become familiar with the law, and i may have to speak with a number of attorneys. in the end, there may be nothing i can do other than tell my own side of the story.

This process is important because the company that fired me may forward the separation notice to any company asking for an employment reference. The employment interview is my opportunity to discuss the situation with a prospective employer. Is there no honest way to discuss the issue in an interview without calling upon the interviewer’s personal judgment of (1) the multi-national co. that fired me, and (2) homosexuals?

I look at the separation notice: I think, I know I never lied; I think, they’re trying to permanently screw me; i think, i trusted them and they betrayed me.

I have doubts. that’s why I have to fight the separation notice. they’re trying to make a liar out of me. 3 years ago

I went to a meeting Monday, and a meeting Wednesday, and will go to a meeting Friday. I have not been going to meetings for 2-3 weeks prior to that. I felt I had to try to take care of myself alone. I can’t do it alone.

I’ve been wanting to visit and perhaps join a non-credal religious group. I’m nervous. I think facing that nervousness will be good. I want to have a greater sense of community than I have now without having to depend on financial, familial, or credal relationships to build that community. Yet, what are the other bases of relationships, or even of identity? I’ve asked one of my friends from one of the groups to meet me after the service this weekend.

I’ve gotten into a bad habit of going to a support group and emotionally dumping, then disappearing for 2-3 weeks, then dumping then disappearing again. I realize I’m dealing with a lot of shame. I just have to try to bring myself back to being consistent. 3 years ago

I thought last Monday’s meeting was scheduled for next Monday. I thought Wednesday’s meeting was on Thursday. Joy.

Well, there are two churches I’m not totally freaked out about attending. At least I’m sure today is Saturday. 3 years ago

i said almost nothing in group. very unlike me. i usually say weird things that activate people. today i felt like i was find out what it feels like to hold myself open. i felt my energy was influencing the other people in the room; i would see how i felt, decide whether or not to show how i felt, then see others react to my movements. my ass is getting in the way.

EDIT: I suppose my ass is basically what I’m there to discuss… 3 years ago

I went, it was good. I must relax and, well, jump in more. 3 years ago

I did not go because group is at 7:30 pm, and I had to be up at 3 am to try to get work at the labor office. :( 3 years ago

- a gay group

And I’ve been to a Debtor’s Anon. 12 step group but it was lame and the female moderator hit on my AFTER I came out so I stopped going.

Went to a DBSA meeting and came out and then three overweight, clinicly depressed / bipolar men were like ‘well you’re not having sexy time with me, buddy! har har…’

Ok, well let me ask this – WHY DO STRAIGHT MEN (occasionally?) CONFUSE SELF-IDENTIFICATION WITH A PROPOSITION??? (A) How egotistical (or just ignorant?) it is of them to assume a gay man would want them. (B) How unsupportive. It’s a support group after all, not an anti-gay shut the fuck up and disappear again you homo group. (C) The three men in question were (1) overweight, and (2) clinically crazy. I can get thin with clinically crazy at any gay bar anywhere thank you.

Straight sexuality id flaunted EVERYWHERE. Gays say oh btw I exist and people challenge it like a surprise Iranian. Gay: the homegrown nuclear weapon!

Right. Groups. 3 years ago