go to the gynecologist

I was super nervous all day. Imagining myself spending my evening curled into a ball wrenched with anxiety over having to deal with the issue I knew they were going to find. Obviously this isn’t the way to psych yourself up for something.

But now I’m done! And I’m fine! And it was easy, and they were nice and it went really fast and it didn’t even cost anything (thank you Planned Parenthood and the state of Oregon) and I feel good about the whole entire thing. So heyy..

I am so nervous. What if I have a disease? Or cancer? Or some terrible thing I don’t even know what.

It’s scary because I have no clue. I can tell if I have a problem in most parts of my body, but I am not as familiar with this area so I just don’t know.!

I go between shame and fear and excitement about this. I’m excited that I am actually doing it, as I have thought about it many times before, but never known really how to go about it. And I’m scared because what if somethings wrong? And shame – because I have too much of that in my life. I’m not sure why, but it’s that feeling that I get when I feel violated and when I feel bad about being a girl and this emotion I do not understand. And I hate it. But I have to do it, and I’m going to do it. I’m just scared.

I called Planned Parenthood. I made an appointment for 2:30 on Friday afternoon.

I’m totally freaked out and kind of want to cry. I don’t know why this stresses me out so much.

I don’t know why this scares me, but it does. It doesn’t really embarrass me, I’m just scared something will be wrong with me that I will have to deal with. I don’t know why I’m so paranoid..

I’m 21.. I’ve never been before, and I’m too scared to tell my mom I think I need to go so I’m not totally sure how to go about it. I don’t want to have to pay a lot of money.

I’m just going to call Planned Parenthood tomorrow and talk about it and hopefully figure something out because I think I need to do this.

Also, question. How does insurance work? I’m on my moms insurance, if I used that and payed the copayment would my mom still get a bill? Would Planned Parenthood make me pay more for being on my moms insurance but not using it? I might also look into going through my school.

I realLy HAVE to gO to the gYneColoGist buT I am blOOdy tEriffieD! I knOw what she’s gOing to dO anD the waY she wilL examin me. But I am stilL veRy sCareD! It’s emBarraSsinG havinG a stranGer lOOking at youR vaGina wiTh alL thOse liGhts on it. iewwww….!

your’s.