let him go

“and if you hate me, then hate me so good that you can let me out”
/damien rice

And now he’s having a baby with his new girlfriend. It completely crushed me. Especially since three months ago I thought I was pregnant. I already dreamed of having a baby in October. Now he’s having a baby in December/January but not with me. It feels horrible.

He’s happy and I try to be also but I can’t. They’ve only dated for one month but I think they’ll last.

I think the time we talked last week was the last time we kept in touch. Things have changed too much. Everything goes on. It’s painful but it’ll get better eventually.

I’m very tired of this. Very very tired.
I could just let go of him, not keep in contact in anyway, let myself be happy, have new experiences, meet new people ..but it’s like I don’t even want to. I just want to wallow in this sadness. I guess that’s me. I’ve always been like that. I have a tendency to get slightly depressed. Maybe it’s just my way of getting over him?

Someday, hopefully it will be better.

I don’t even want to fall in love because if I fell in love and lost that love, it would kill me, I’m sure. This was just a stupid infatuation and we were never even together.

I don’t even want to talk to my friends about this because I’m just repeating myself.

i’m working abroad. still missing him. he’s gone through a break-up with his ex, has a new girlfriend now with whom he seems to be very infatuated even though they’ve only known for a week.

i met him before i moved, in february, but he was very hurtful without knowing it. it’s not his fault, i guess.

so still thinking about him but i’ve given up. if he liked me, if he had any deeper feelings for me, he would’ve showed them. and i’m just wasting my time waiting for him.

there is something better for me, i know that. i want to fall in love but until that happens i allow myself to like him but i’ve given up on him liking me.

I was with him for 13 years. We were married for 8 and have a beautiful son together. I know in my head that we are not meant to be together but it is so hard for my heart to feel the same. He is my best friend and holds my past in the palm of his hand. The divorce will be signed by the judge this week and I will be divorced…the word makes me sick to my stomach. It took us 4 years to actually get the divorce…should I have gotten it? Was it the right thing to do? Did we do everything we could to try and fix our marriage? Maybe we gave up without a big enough fight. I am so sad and so unsure of where my life will be without him. This has to get easier because I don’t think I could handle anymore pain. I think the saddest part is all I wanted to hear him say was “I miss you and need you in my life” and in 4 years of being seperated he never said it….

I’m really hooked on astrology these days because I just wish somebody or something would tell me what to do. At the same time I don’t want anybody’s advice because I know I wouldn’t like it. I know they would say: get away from him, let him go, forget him.

However, now I’ve come to agree on letting him go. I just want to see him for the last time next week (hopefully), then I’m moving out of the country and starting to work and it will be easier to get my mind off him.

I like him so much but at the same time it hurts to be with him. I always put him first and I just want him to be happy and okay even if it would hurt me. But he lies or doesn’t tell me the exact truth. He’s got an ex-girlfriend that he’s still involved in. He was the love of his life. I don’t know much about their history together but I know she’s suicidal now because of their break-up and they still see each other sometimes. And I’m just hurting myself being a part of this mess. I know I have to get away.

Yesterday he told me “if a person named m.m. contacts you and asks about a message you sent me, deny everything. say you sent it to a wrong number and that i didn’t reply. we haven’t seen after c. (that was two months ago) because she’s so messed up. i saw her yesterday and she hit me and i don’t want any more of that. this is just for the safety of both of us.”

First I was worried about him. Then I got hurt. Because a few sentences in the mix prove that he’s lying. And first I thought he was worried about my safety too but then I realized it’s for his safety and her safety.

I asked him if he was okay and said “maybe I shouldn’t have sent that sms” but after that I didn’t talk to him because I didn’t know what else to say. And I feel silly about talking about my feelings to him because we are not together and we won’t be together. I shouldn’t feel this much. I can’t expect anything from him, I don’t have the right to. I just feel hurt and I feel like I shouldn’t and like I shouldn’t bother him about it because he’s got more important issues to worry about.

I think a few years later I will think back on this time and cry because then I will see what a stupid naive little girl I’ve been.

I want to be there for him but I don't want to be a part of this mess anymore. I hope everything will be okay.

I really think I’m getting somewhere. It still hurts sometimes, but I think I’ve started to accept it. Sometimes I think to myself that in a few years things will have changed and we’ll both have sorted ourselves out and maybe then something might happen, but I’m not really counting on it. (I mean, the something happening part not the sorting our lives out part – I’m not THAT much of a pessimist! =]) I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let go entirely, he’s a permanent fixture in my life. I just want to be able to look at him and not feel like the world is ending. I want things to be like they were when we younger, before it got complicated. He’s one of the only people I can be myself around and I really don’t want to loose him. He’s moving in a few months and we probably won’t see each other nearly as much anymore for a few years at least, but maybe that’s exactly what I need.

I must remember that he only brought me unhappiness. He made my life incredibly difficult. I need to remember the truth. This is it. I will no longer search for him. Each thought of him will be let go. I let him go and wish him joy for my own joy.

when i met him, he told me he had a gf but it didnt matter because i was also involved but we connected so well..we became friends immeadiately thought there was always an attraction. my boyfriend and i finally broke up and it made it easier for us to transition into something physical. this took around 4 months and he still had a gf. i became his other gf and this carried on for a year and a couple of months until i finally had enough. i still loved him and it was the hardest thing for me to do but i stopped all contact with him. i was able to do this for a couple of months but then we bumped into each other again and we started rebuilding our relationship but we’re just friends…i lie..i love him still but i know nothing can ever come out of it. i know the only way i will ever move on is if i leave him alone completely but i just cant..help me.