be more open emotionally

On one of my serene hang-outs at Barnes & Noble, I looked at a book called Nasty Astrology. Unlike most of the other astrology books, this book exposes the nasty, & hidden characteristics of zodiac signs. Pretty harsh book, but pretty much on spot for a Capricorn like me. The book said Capricorns pretty much don’t show any emotions, or even they don’t know about emotions at all….
I think it’s true. At least true for me.

I’m noticing that I connect in a rather superficial way with people, moreso than I used to – not sure why really. But I end up keeping people at an emotional distance, and when there is an “emotional” moment, I withdraw and cut off any real emotional connection on purpose. I think I feel like this is more socially acceptable, but I’m not making any meaningful connections this way. So I want to consciously work on this.

It just occurred to me recently that the reason why I end up in unrewarding relationships is that I’m not emotionally available. Because I’m not emotionally available I end up spending time with guys that allow me to continue that behaviour which leaves me feeling unfulfilled.

Actually, compared to 6 months ago – (and the infinite time before that) – I think I am doing very well with this goal.
Of course it helps that I met a man who is good at communicating how he’s feeling – which in turn makes it feel safe for me to do the same. It’s almost like he’s leading me through it (being open to a relationship) slowly. Nice to have a guide!

And for the moment I have gone as far as I wish to with this goal, so I’m going to mark it off as completed.

Definitely noticing the positive correlation between my stress level and my level of openness.

Hm, why do i get stressed about such little things…

I was reading something this week about how the things that happen to you right at the start of your day have a significant impact on your mood / reactions to setbacks during the workday.

I am NOT a morning person… I am often in a rush to get to work on time, I ALWAYS hit the snooze button about 5 times….

I think I need to put more effort into having regular sleep hours, hopefully that will make my mornings go more smoothly, give me more energy and a better mood through the day and allow me to accomplish more goals!

Worth a shot anyway.

I like to think of myself as a predominantly rational person. I guess that’s why this emotional stuff confounds me so much. I’m slowly realizing that a lot of my old beliefs are based on… well, not much.

Since adolescence I have had a tremendous fear of getting stuck in a rut, and staying there forever. It’s due to growing up in an isolated small town, I suppose (ok, also with lots of drugs, alcohol and teen pregnancy in the community- though not in my own family).

I guess it led to my avoiding relationships/ emotional stuff, in that it seems women often get stuck in bad relationships (vs. non-relationship situations). OK, I know that many men get stuck too.

Anyway in my teen years I began to view being emotional as a weakness and almost as… an invitation to be victimized. Ahem* yes, not very P.C. of me, I know.

So many years later, I’m deliberately attempting a slow recovery. Bit-by-bit, my goal is to get a handle on emotions – not necessarily with the aim of figuring them all out, but maybe to become comfortable in experiencing them more fully.

...or as the goal itself says, be more open in that way.

at the Psychology Today website, and I took it 2 times, just because I really think that my response to things changes a lot depending on whether I’m highly stressed or at ease in my living situation.

What I learned was that – well even when I’m at ease I was described as quite a rigid person. Okay, I can see that (I mean, one of my goals is to be more patient with annoying people – that’s rather telling, isn’t it!?) – but also that when I’m relaxed, I’m very innovative and creative.

And when I’m stressed, the biggest changes are that I become extremely rigid, and then lose my ability to innovate or be creative. (Which for me, means: my ability to solve problems diminishes significantly, but the annoyance factor increases.)

I found this really interesting.

As far as this goal goes, I realize that I’ll never be 100% accepting of everyone and everything – it’s mostly the things people DO that annoy me – (tolerance might be a better direction to aim for in that regard).

However, I do need to become more emotionally open than I am now for sure.

OOps time to get back to work! – later!

I know I’m writing a lot of really personal stuff here.

For a while I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t do that – but I’ve encountered two 43thingers who are in kind of similar situations, so I think it has been worthwhile posting it (even if this much navel-gazing IS supremely annoying to many of the more balanced people!).

Hopefully we can help and support each other. Plus, I don’t feel like such an isolated freak anymore! Yay!

...when I came across this article. It really hit a nerve, especially since I’ve been really trying in the past few months to understand this “emotional distance” problem I have (and hopefully to solve it or at least make real progress).

Decca Aitkenhead wrote an article called “Sex, now” for the Guardian in mid-April. [I’ll try to post the link, but I’ve heard they sometimes don’t show up in these comment boxes.]
http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,,1753327,00.html#article_continue

I got a lot of revelations from it, personally. Especially about my own lack of trust and always keeping distance in my (so-called) relationships, and just outright avoiding relationships because I didn’t feel anyone was worth falling in love with – every guy will just keep looking for someone “hotter”, and it’s just a matter of time before he finds someone else… Not entirely rational but it’s how I thought.

And even now, it’s hardwired into my brain: Women “always” want relationships, men “never” want relationships, they just want sex. If I_ want a relationship, then I’m putting myself at a disadvantage – why would I do _that? Therefore, for a DECADE – I wasn’t interested in exploring an emotional connection with a guy.

Now I worry that I may have lost/too deeply buried the ability to be emotionally open.

And, I’m 30, so maybe this isn’t so common now for women my age, but I’ll predict the future and say that the girls interviewed in this article (teenagers) will probably be in a similar situation to mine by the time they hit their late 20s. Unfortunately I think this is going to become a very common problem.

Doom and gloom, perhaps, but I really don’t know what to make of all this.

Have been doing a lot of thinking and discussing with friends over coffee and random 43things people…

On one hand, it’s nice to realize that I’m not alone in being distant and defensive. On the other hand, so far I have made a few good discoveries, but I’m feeling a bit “stuck”.

These conscious realizations are fine for when I’m comfortable sitting at home & pondering. They’re next to useless when I’m in a situation that involves defensiveness. That’s a “high-stress” situation, and I think we tend to go with our instinct, or subconscious behavioural patterns when we don’t have time to distance ourselves and apply what we have consciously learned.

That’s why I feel stuck. I value the insights I have recently gained, but I’m not sure how to put them into practice.

I guess I’m just frustrated at how slowly this is going.