be trustworthy

I’ll try. Like he said about trust: You either don’t, or you do. This one goes hand in hand with the other.

Obviously I’m not. It seems possible that my understanding of “private sphere” is somewhat warped. (But then I did wound my own honor, so maybe it’s not.)

i wouldn’t trust me.

I’ve achieved another small success in this goal. I have been keeping my OWN secrets lately, or at least, I’ve shared with only a few, well-chosen people. I’m proud of that particularly because I have always been a bit too loud, a bit too open, and a bit too short-sighted to see that somethings are best left unblabbed.

Also, I’ve been more mindful – and ‘care-ful’ – in what I say about the people in my life. I’ve improved so much over the past year in limiting or moderating my negative self-talk, and I realized recently that I want to extend such simple re-framing statements to my friends and family too. Perhaps it’s a stretch to count this as progress towards trustworthiness, but I don’t think so – one trait or habit that I consider a measure of a person’s trustworthiness is how they talk about others ‘behind their backs’.

As such, for me to feel worthy of trust myself, I want to speak only that which I would say right to someone’s face.

I’ve had a few little slips lately – nothing too serious, just two or three incidences in which I knew almost immediately that I could have – and should have – opted to divulge less.

But I’m recognizing my slips right away (insofar as I can tell; I guess I can’t be sure of that, though, can I be? Having not recognized the times that I didn’t… well recognize them!)

It all comes down to mindfulness – keeping my thoughts focused on what I’m saying and to whom, until I’m so well practiced that my tongue is trained to speak the language of trust.

In the spirit of being trustworthy, I can’t reveal any specifics here, but I have an opportunity to do something that involves my brother that I WON’T make public. Insignificant though it may be, it’ll remain confidential between him and me, as a show of my commitment to this goal.

_{probably best to wean off being a blabbermouth with the easy stuff anyway :o)}

This morning, while composing an e-mail to a friend, I typed out a two or three line explanation of another friend’s current marital situation. Upon re-reading it however, I realized that I had thoughtlessly – and utterly needlessly – divulged some very personal information about that person. So I deleted the whole lengthy sentence and typed “(married with children)”, figuring that to be sufficient description of his current situation.

Again, less is more.

is a master secret keeper – his own and anyone else’s. He is ever mindful of how even the most innocent disclosure might hurt or betray a person. I respect and admire that about him so much. I trust him with my life (he has saved it three times), but more than that, I trust him with my secrets.

He, on the other hand, can’t trust anyone with his inner most thoughts and feelings. My mother, my father, and now me, are all major blabbermouths. We never mean to be, but time after time we have betrayed his trust by talking behind his back. We never INTEND to gossip or break his trust, but we do it amongst ourselves all the time. My dad sometimes asks how S is doing, and innocently enough, I tell him. My bro has been cause for concern in the past, so we all feel or felt justified in discussing what should be his own private business, out of our worry for him. But it dawned on my over the holidays that he no longer tells anyone anything about what’s going on his mind or in his heart. That made me so sad for him. I asked him how he felt about that, and he openly admitted that he has learned not to reveal himself to us. Heart breaking. We all love him so much, and he and I are incredibly loyal to one another, yet he can’t share his secrets with any of us!

So, on Christmas day I vowed to him that I would learn to be trustworthy. I don’t expect he’ll loosen his lips any time soon, if ever, and certainly not to me, after all the times I’ve inadvertently made public what wasn’t mine to share. But I told him that it is my intention to honour his fine example and become the vault that he is.

Of all the things I’ve lost, it is trust that I miss most.

In starting over, I’ll begin my seeing if I can trust myself (see keeping promises to self).

It is shameful to admit that this has to be a goal of mine.