Learn to trust men

I have yet to have a boyfriend or a fiancee who hasn’t cheated on me a number of times, or told me he likes to dress in drag, or tell me that he had some random STD or had a whole other family, a wife, a girl friend, some random weird crap that makes me think” You have got to be kidding me!!!” My best friend in the world my father died. It’s as though somehow, I did something so horribly wrong, that I don’t deserve happiness. Now, I have opportunities to date some seemingly nice guys and all I can think is that they are cheating, going to cheat or do something weird and spiteful. I have to get over this, cause like the originator, ( in as much as I crack jokes) I want a family too and I want to trust my husband, because I know as lonely as I am, I can not do it ALL myself.

My earliest relationship with men was with my dad, who was authoritative and even abusive to my mom. I was always between love and fear in my reactions to him. Even when my mom took us and left him, he still played manipulative games and blamed me for the divorce. As I grew up I didn’t try to communicate with him and even refused to acknowledge that I had a dad, because of his constant dishonesty. I ended up harbouring a deep anger that I still have issues with. When I became an adult, I decided to forgive him for myself, not for him so that I wouldn’t go insane. But I never had a male role model. Evey male figure that came into my life was always uncomfortable for me. I would feel really shy or really “icky”, not trusting their intentions or motives. I never dated or had a boyfriend. Instead I had crushes that were “safe” by directing them at unattainable guys, older men or ones with no chance for a relationship. And the guys who did show an interest in me,I would be turned off immediately and find a way to avoid them and reject them. I focused my energy on my studies, work and trying to be independent. Although secretly, I really want to get married and have children. When I was in my early twenties, I found out that my dad was not really my biological dad and that the “real” one had abandoned my mom when she was pregnant with me. So I felt doubly rejected by both my real dad and the one who took me in. It didn’t help me to think highly of men. So now here I am in my thirties, living overseas and feeling lonely and wondering if I will ever be able to open up to any guy. Recently, I met someone who I tried to be out of character with and carry on a flirtation, but it turned out that he was only charming me because he assumed that I would sleep with him. When I corrected him of that idea, he completely changed face and wanted nothing more to do with me.
So once again, I am trying to deal with my issues. My head knows that there are good guys, trustworthy, honourable men, but my feelings of distrust just won’t allow me to even see that far. I just feel like I can’t be safe with any man. As much as I want to, I keep holding back. Just once, I want to meet someone who sees how special I am, who will want me for me and not for playing games.

I love my fiance’. But a part of me still doesn’t trust men in general, after being hurt so many times. I trust him, to a point. I still find myself guarded when it comes to very personal things.

Why is it so hard to come by? Why is it so hard to give, and often harder to receive?

It’s not that I don’t want to trust….

The next time I go to see my therapist, we will be starting EMDR therapy. The issue I have chosen to work through via this method is my distrust of men. I’m not sure if I have it quite right, though. I was asked to picture an event in my mind that represents this issue, and I chose the night I gave the ring back to FB. He was so angry. I remember waiting for him to reach out and hit me. He was THAT angry, I was convinced he would beat me. Looking back, I don’t think he was going to, nor would he ever. It was my fear of him doing it that I was more scared of. I almost wonder if I was wishing he would, so that I could take it to prove how sorry I was. Sick, I know. Anyway, I was supposed to call up an image that is very painful, and sit and be in those feelings, and then through the EMDR we’ll talk through the issue. So that’s fine, but I’m no longer scared of that moment in time, because I think that I was scared of my own thoughts more than of FB. So now I’m wondering how effective this is going to be…oh well, we’ll just wait and see.

or it will ruin any chances FB and I have of reconciliation.

So here’s the basics. I don’t trust men. I haven’t for some time. Why? Because of how my dad and grandfather treated me growing up. My father’s father ran off when he was three weeks old, he had a truly shitty childhood and passable adolesence; when I came along he was happy. Then my mom got sick and passed away just before I turned two. Not having had a father of his own, he did not know how to be a father to me. I just found out two years ago – rather, was reminded – that he would leave me at the babysitter’s for a week’s length at a time. I don’t blame him, he wanted to do the best thing he could think of for me, but I certainly have abandonment issues because of his decisions.

My grandfather is another story. He was my abuser. As far as I know, or as far as my active memory will allow me to remember, it was only ever verbal abuse. The worst being the night after my grandmother’s funeral. I have written about it before, but I can’t right now.

He passed away last year. I never forgave him, but I am finished being angry at him. Anger over past events is a waste of time. Being angry isn’t going to get me anywhere. I have to learn and adapt and constantly press forward. But I’m getting away from the intent of this post; basically because of his behaviour – towards myself, towards my step mother, the little I know of how he treated my biological mother and aunt, and what I know of how he treated my grandmother all adds up to me not trusting him; not trusting men.

These men are the two who had the greatest effect on me. I was thankfully blessed with the world’s most loving godfather, two fabulous step-uncles, and many family friends I was honoured to call “uncle”. Sadly, all of their love and adoration was not enough to right the wrongs done by the first two male loves of my life.

This has trickled over into my relationship with FB. I really don’t trust many people, but I need to trust men especially. It’s at the point where I want to go for counselling again, but when I asked for a recommendation from a friend and she gave me a man’s name, I got angry with her and told her “I don’t see men.” It wasn’t my place to be angry with her; she didn’t do anything wrong. It was my fear and lack of trust that got my hackles up and made me lash out. This is clearly a problem that is out of control.

FB knows that I don’t trust him, that I don’t trust many people. He had tried endlessly to get me let my walls down, but I just can’t. I’m working on it though. I know its not enough, though. Today he sent me this . I sat and cried in the office.

I just don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to trust again.