stop being so self critical

I played Risk today for the first time. I lost very badly, and was very frustrated with myself. I always am after I lose games like that. Games like chess, where you have to think ahead 3 or 4 turns. My brain just doesn’t work that way.

You know, things like that, that are seen as predominantly male attributes and skills, things that I have a hard time with—It’s frustrating. It’s terrifying.

I want to go into a business dominated by men. If I can’t think like them, what’s to keep me from getting swept under the rug like so many others? Female composers I’ve met…they just don’t seem like me. They have much a much stronger presence. They’re scrappier, hardier, more eloquent.

See? See this game I play with myself to create self-pity and doubt?

I can. I can. I can. The world doesn’t need more “them’s”. It needs more “me’s”. I am a strong, talented, and artistic person. My voice is just as important as anyone else’s.

And games and luck have NOTHING to do with it.

And instead, praise myself to the skies. Achieving a mark of 2:1 in my documentary project, woohoo! Feels fantastic. My fear of failure and of making any mistakes has made me excessively aware of the slightest imperfection in my work, my study, normal every day life. But wow, in fact my work is really good, I have great talent, and have so much to be proud of about myself. I am not a failure, I am an amazing person!

As I write this, again worries about maybe having to leave the house nudge into my mind, and the nagging negative despitful little voice saying, ‘ah but you are a failure, look at what you failed to do to ensure you stay in this lovely home, if it all goes wrong believe me you will plunge into a dark depression and life will be horrid’.

Well, that certainly put my fears into words! And voicing them immmediately drastically weakens their impact. Silly voice, silly words! Yes, it would be hard, but not necessarily awful, and I won’t necessarily automatically end up depressed. (And this is only even if it happens!). As for the wretched guilt that holds hands with my fears, as they skip miserably through my mind, I made two major mistakes: Not keeping the house so clean and tidy for this latest inspection (all previous ones have been fine) and not managing my money well (but only learnt the psychology behind this rather late). These two do not make me a terrible person, they do not mean that for the rest of my life I will continue to make misguided decisions or not take the actions I need to. These traits of money mismanagement and poor housekeeping just parts of what I hope is a pretty interesting, kind, vibrant personality, and I need to remember that they are most certainly not permanent and ingrained into my personality or my life with no chance of change.

Self awareness is not a bad thing, to acknowledge the areas, the traits, that are damaging and can result in adverse effects in my life, and if then it leads to self improvement, that can only be a good thing. It is the harsh, miserable habit of focusing on the bad, making the measuring bar far too high and too detailed, and of then simply critiscising without making change or progress which is damaging and unproductive.

I can feel a new goal coming on…

I know why I do this, where my insecurity and self-admonishments stem from. Over reaction to mistakes and constant accusations and criticism from an unpleasant sister, and having had the misfortune of working more than once with bullies.

I hold myself up for scrutiny, believe that when things are not going well it is my fault, feel responsible for other people’s wellbeing and happiness, and dread making mistakes.

Need to overcome this. To accept what I am responsible for, but let go of the rest.

I know why I do this, where my insecurity and self-admonishments stem from. Over reaction to mistakes and constant accusations and criticism from an unpleasant sister, and having had the misfortune of working more than once with bullies.

I hold myself up for scrutiny, believe that when things are not going well it is my fault, feel responsible for other people’s wellbeing and happiness, and dread making mistakes.

Need to overcome this. To accept what I am responsible for, but let go of the rest.

Every once in a while I have a day where no matter what outfit I wear, what I eat, or what I do, I feel really fat. I know I’m not terribly overweight and most of the time I can live with myself, but some days I feel very critical of my size, for no particular reason that I can find. Today’s one of those days.

Part of accomplishing this goal, I think, will be eliminating “fat days” from my life. Not sure exactly how to do this yet, but we’ll see.

“I am a good person. I’m an attractive person. I am a talented person”

Feeling that critic again. It always happens before pieces are premiered.

Everyone is talented. Everyone has something to say.

I am talented. I have something to say.

Thank you Brenda Euland.

It kills every imaginitive, beautiful, creative idea in your head. It makes you never want to create another piece of art again, because it might not be as good as your last. It is poison. I want it out of my system.

i’m am my worst critic and i can be harsh too. i just end up bringing my self down so i need to stop making things bigger than they are and stop putting my self down.

I have a strong tendency to be over critical of myself when I make mistakes.