evolve

Never in my life have I considered myself to be the leader type
but I’ve enjoyed noticing that in the past couple of years I’ve developed a lot of useful leading skills, that surface when they’re needed. I very often take the lead in, for example, group assignments, especially if the others seem like they don’t really know what to do. This happened again today, in one of my classes, and I thought it was cool when I noticed my own initiative in ruling. I think that this change has been good for me. :)

I have a problem. I’ve actually had a problem for quite a while, several years in fact. The problem is that I tend to attract certain needy people, who first become friends with me and then don’t know where the limit goes. They want more and more of me, they require my attention constantly and it is getting so very tiring and consuming. I’m like a human magnet for these demanding people. They clutch onto me and don’t let go. They’re bordering on being stalkers. And when I sometimes manage to shake one off, another one takes their place. That seems to be the pattern.

The other side of this problem is that I never want to hurt anyone, so telling these people to back off or completely stop is very difficult for me. I don’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them to leave me alone. They consider me as a friend, after all. But the thing is, I usually don’t see myself as such a big friend of theirs as they in turn see me. I don’t understand how they put me on such a high pedestal, and it always happens so quickly. It’s like a one-way street and I’m facing the dead end.
Oh, should I also mention that all of these individuals are and always have been of the male gender? I guess that’s part of the effect and problem, too.

I’ve been trying to ignore these people to the best of my abilities, but since I consider ongoing ignoring to be quite rude as well, I don’t really know what to do anymore. And they still keep contacting me all the time.
I’ve finally started to think that maybe it would be the best thing for everyone – and mainly for me, because I do have to look out for myself the most – that I confronted these people, said what I thought in an honest, direct manner and then said good-bye to them. I feel like they are really weighing me down and I really don’t need that in my life. Not now, not ever. Very often these individuals are also quite negative, some have problems with depression etc. Maybe they see me as some sort of a salvation? I don’t know. But I can’t take it, it’s too much for me. Of course I would like to help them, but I have my limitations as well. I can’t shepherd all of this world’s lost little sheep, to put it dramatically. sigh

I need to rid myself and my life of these people. I just need to find the strength and courage to do that.

I’ve been thinking about something quite a bit lately. Am I capable of deep thinking? Or do I mostly just float on the surface, not being able to dive really deep? I’ve had this floater idea of myself for many years now and sometimes I feel that it hurts me in some way, not being able to think really deeply. This feeling gets even stronger when I’m surrounded by really analytical and philosophical people at the university, I somehow feel that I am below them, not on their level. Heavy thinkers seem to be somehow better than me, in a certain aspect. It feels like I’m lacking something. And I should mention that Juho, my love, is definitely a heavy thinker as well, his mind keeps buzzing constantly and it’s really fascinating to see what comes out.
But on the other hand, am I looking at this from the wrong perspective? Does it really matter if I’m not a really deep person? It’s okay to be “normal” – Juho keeps saying that he feels comforted to know that I’m his link to “the normal world”, heh. Not all people need to be so analytical, so deep, so pensive. Some of us need to be down-to-earth. Some of us can stay quiet, when others discuss complex things. We’re all different, after all, and that’s the way it’s meant to be. That’s the right way.
Also, could I be mistaken: am I in fact capable of deep thinking but I just don’t realize it myself, since I’m so used to thinking that I’m not good at it? This might also be the case, my own perspective might be just twisted. It’s sometimes really hard to correct your own ideas about yourself if they’re slightly off. I should need to get rid of this way of thinking and just accept myself as I am, be it a heavy thinker or not. Because I do sometimes see that I’ve thought about something very carefully; that I have insightful, new thoughts to offer and so on.
Must investigate this thing further.

Now, this is a bit random, but still: I somehow wish I had less goals on my list here. Just to make things clearer in some way, I guess. To be able to focus on the important stuff.
But I feel a certain responsibility towards a lot of my goals, I can’t just “discard” them. Oh well, ehe.
I guess I just have to get busy and complete them!

Something new and interesting coming next week~

Last night at Juho’s place I, for some reason, started going through my 43Things entries. I managed to trek all the way back to October 2008 and after I had finished, I had a very clear message in front of me.
“This year I am much happier. This year my life is so much better, in all ways. My life, as a matter of fact, is a wonderful one.”
I basically know all the time that my life is great, but sometimes you just don’t think about it and when you’re reminded of it like that, it’s very uplifting. :)
^{I also noticed that I’ve written here a lot less this year, which kind of saddens me, because so much has happened and I would like to have kept better record of it all. But maybe I’ll catch up one day, hehe. And it’s also good to know that I’m busy with what life has to offer me, and not just spending all my time online. ;)}

Last year was a very tough year for me, to be honest, in many many ways. I had to go through a lot. I was very sad and nearly depressed for a long while. I experienced a lot of things and got hurt quite a lot, too, but that has all been for the best. All those events have made me into a much stronger, wiser person. I wouldn’t be here where I am at this moment if I had not gone through all that. I wouldn’t be this person, I’d be something else. And even though I had to suffer a lot of heartache, loneliness and uncertainty last year, I’m grateful for all those things, because they have helped me to see how lovely my situation in life right now in fact is.
Not that 2008 was only full of negative things, no. A lot of great things happened too, and I will never forget those things either.

I have evolved a lot since last year, and the year before that. I have kept evolving all along and my progress has been good. This year I am much happier, I’m much more peaceful, I’ve gotten rid of many (personally) big obstacles and I feel like I’m a “better” person now.
I grew a lot during 2008, but I feel like I’m growing even more during 2009. This time the growth is just more refined. I’m beginning to find my way in life, I’m in a very loving relationship with the best darn guy in the whole world, I’m learning to balance things more and I’m truly enjoying life.

And I’m nowhere near being ‘finished’. Not by a long shot. But this fact only excites me – I’m looking forward to growing even more, getting more experienced, wiser, more harmonius, just more. I’m starting to see my goals in life and I can’t wait to reach them one by one! Life is a wonderful adventure and I plan to take everything that I can out from it.
Here’s to hoping that the rest of 2009 will mark even more personal growth! I sure am feeling positive about it.

I wish to define what I actually want and expect from life. From the big things to the very littlest things.
And once I’ve managed to define those things – I’m sure this will be a huge undertaking – I need to also work on those things, to achieve them.

“but, you can do a great deal about your future. you don’t have to be the same person you were yesterday. you can make changes in your life — absolutely startling changes — in a fairly short time. you can make changes you can’t even conceive of now, if you give yourself a chance.”
— Jim Rohn.

but I thought I’d write down the things that are on my mind right now, in order to see my progress and the path on which I’m treading at the moment.

One big thing I would like to work on is my appearance. I’ve always sort of felt like that I haven’t reached the ideal me, the image I would like myself to be portrayed as to the outside world. I don’t always see a solid connection between my inner world and the reflection I see in the mirror. I don’t think I look bad, sometimes I look rather good actually, but I feel like there’s just something missing a lot of the time. I want to reach the portrayal that I have of myself inside my head. Maybe it’s just working on my own style that I need, I’m not sure. But I guess this is one of those things that just evolve gradually, with time. It’s not a simple thing. I’ll try to work on it somehow, in any case.
I think I’ll start with my hair. Some progress will be made when I finally get my hair cut (nothing spectacular in mind, just chopping the tips off because they’re in bad condition; I’m sort of lacking imagination when it comes to hair styles and cuts) and dyed bright red.
I’ll also pay attention to my wardrobe. I go through phases with my clothes, I grow out of some of them and some are just “always” there. I could try to sell the ones I don’t really use anymore and slowly get some new ones (but this isn’t a huge priority, I’m not planning on spending lots of money on this either).

I just need to have change every now and then. Not just with matters related to my appearance, but with a lot of things. They are mostly material things, though. I like to change my surroundings. Right now I’m actually feeling like doing something new to my flat.

Another area that I’m seeking to evolve in is my direction in life. It has always been a bit tough for me to know what to do with my life, I still haven’t found the thing I’m truly passionate about. I don’t know what I want to do “when I grow up” yet. This is the thing that’s causing me most of my worries and uncertainties. It would be so much easier if I already knew which way to go, which path to choose. But I haven’t figured it out yet. Right now I’m just sort of floating around aimlessly. I do enjoy my life, but it wouldn’t hurt to know what to aim for in the long run.
I’m planning on “dedicating” next summer for figuring these things out. I’ll dive into the information current of different professions and education programs. I hope I’ll find some more clarity that way and maybe even the thing that really makes me tick. (Juho has been especially supportive of me with this, it’s lovely to have him by my side.)

One more thing is balance. I would like to find a way to bring all of the different areas of my life together harmoniously, without something getting trampled on while others are put on a pedestal. I know this will be hard because there are after all a lot of things I’d like to have in my life (and a lot of things already are in my life), but I think it’ll be worth the effort.

That’s all for now, I think. My mind is bubbling with thoughts and ideas but it gets hard to grasp them when there are so many. They are wicked fast, too! But I’ll try to jot them down from time to time, when I manage it.

I want to achieve clarity, on several fronts. Clarity and some sort of peace of mind. Some certain balance, too. I like my life but I think it could be a little more… well, organized sounds a little wrong, but maybe “a little more together” could work.

I know I’ll have a lot to do with this, but I’m ready for the challenge. The optimistic scent in the air is giving me determination – I hope my energy will match it.