I’ve been making great progress with this. I’ve tried to stop feeling guilty about the rest of my family, and been focusing on me, my man, our dogs, and having a great life. My mom continues to see her gentleman friend and she seems happier.

But… it’s hard to explain, I still feel guilty sometimes, that I’m not visiting my mom enough, even though she never (and I mean, never) visits us. We’re scheduled to visit tomorrow, and so I phoned and asked if this was ok. She says “fine, but you’re not bringing those DOGS are you? Can’t you leave them at home?” (still not sure what she has against our dogs… they’re low maintenance, easy dogs, we always had dogs at home when I was growing up). I say no, we can’t leave the dogs at home all day in this warm weather, not that we would want to anyway. When I ask why, she says “I’ve just had a new sofa, it’s very expensive, I don’t want them jumping on it.”

????

I ask if this means that the dogs are not welcome on just this occasion, or is at ongoing thing. No, she doesn’t want to see them again, they have hairs and stuff.

To be honest I was so thrown by this pathetic reasoning, that I was speechless. I just said that we would make sure they didn’t get on the sofa, and hung up (our dogs sit on the sofas at home, but they don’t get on other people’s without being asked). I was bl**dy livid afterwards though. We had a similar thing last year, and I just gave her an ultimatum and said, our dogs are our kids, if they don’t come, we don’t come, and she grudgingly relented. The more I think about, the more cross I get about it though. We spend time and effort travelling over 100 miles to visit her, she never visits us. We have to take sandwiches with us because she doesn’t feed us. If a friend treated me that way, I would have given up long ago. Why do I bother??? Yes, she’s my mother, but she really doesn’t seem bothered. Grrr…

On a more positive note, I spent today making sure we had a great day to make up for the way I’m feeling about this. Fab lazy day, amazing warm (dare I say hot?) weather, gardening, reading, walks with the dogs :) Tomorrow will be a trial though. 2 years ago

I’m making good progress with this now. I realise that being selfish is not only sometimes justified, it can be very healthy. Mr B is mega busy at the minute as he is in a play, rehearsals every night this week and performances this weekend. I’m going to see every show, I have different friends coming with me each night :)

Confession relates to my mother, I have been a bad daughter again. My mother has a gentleman friend, and this is a big deal. I am hugely relieved that she has found someone nice (and he is nice. I’ve known him since I was a kid) to spend time with, as it has been some years since my dad died. However, my mom has been very judgemental in the past about people in a similar position, so is clearly feeling guilty about the situation, though there is no reason she should. She hasn’t actually told me she’s seeing him, but has dropped huge, very coy, hints, expecting me to say “oh, he’s your boyfriend then?” Being a very bad person, I will not oblige and salve her guilt, and am enjoying being particularly obtuse. This culminated in her telling me about a recent cinema trip they had together. I gave a puzzled look into the middle distance, as if the penny had just dropped, and turn to her and ask “you went to the cinema?” she nods, holding her breath. “what film did you see?” I ask, in a slightly hushed tone… (Mr B nearly choked on his drink at this point).

I realise I am being naughty but wow, it’s just fun when the boot’s on the other foot, and she’s the one squirming for a change. I sincerely hope this romance with her new man thrives, life will be much easier for everyone. 2 years ago

our European road trip (mainly Luxembourg and Germany) was so wonderful. The only bit missing was the hounds, but they can come with us next time, now they’ve had their rabies jabs and we stayed in a splendid place in Germany where we can take them next time. They had a ball staying at home with their dog-sitter, being spoilt rotten :)

The real good news is that Mr B was at hospital today to see the consultant and he got the all clear :) PHEW!!!!!!!!!!!! That is such a huge relief. Everything else you can work around but your health is the biggy in my book.

(Piccie is one of Mr B’s of the Saar river, not far from where we stayed in Germany) 2 years ago

Just a quick one, to say that Mr B has his first interview this week (having only applied for the job at the end of last week). Woowoo!!! That was quick! 2 years ago

Making progress…we’ve all had a great few weeks :) First the negative bits:
- we visited my mom last weekend, without the dogs, as per her instructions :( but I didn’t let myself get all tense beforehand, or anguish over all that was said afterwards. We didn’t stay too long because we wanted to get back for the dogs. I was glad when it was out of the way.
- there are issues with other family members, to cut a long story short, I have to make all the moves, make contact, arrange stuff. I sent some fairly benign catch-up emails this week and left it at that.

The good stuff :)
- we had a lovely day with the Cloudberries in Cambridge a few weekends ago, what lovely, lovely people!
- we went to a friend’s garden party yesterday, that was sublime, so much yummy food, and again, great company!
- I met my best friend for lunch today in Rutland for a good old girly catch-up and gossip. Rutland is England’s smallest county, and its motto is ‘Multum in Parvo’ – ‘much in little’ :) it’s a beautiful part of the world
- we’ve had lots of lovely hound walks. This morning we took them to an old orchard which is only 15 minutes walk from our house, and picked lots and lots of yummy plums and cherries, a whole carrier bag full! I used to feel guilty about picking them, but having lived here a while, we realise no-one else picks this fruit from these trees, and what the birds don’t eat, rots. So now we pick loads, eat loads, give loads to our friends, etc, etc… this year we’re contemplating making jam for the first time (how hard can it be? seriously, if you’re a jam maker, tell me how hard it is!). The photo isn’t mine, but those are the type of plums we were picking – they have the most amazing bluey-hue. Last weekend we took the hounds to see the hens at the egg farm, but the hens were not impressed!
- we’re making the last minute preparations for our hols – 8 nights on a mini road trip of Europe (it’s not as adventurous as it sounds!), starting this coming Friday. We have lots of exciting things planned. The only downer is that the dogs can’t come, they’ve only recently had their rabies shots. However, our dog-walker is house/dog-sitting for the week, and they will LOVE that, she spoils them rotten!

Having plenty of time to talk lately as helped Mr B decide that he want to change jobs ASAP. He’s applied to a few things this week, but it will probably take time. He has been dissatisfied in his current job for a few months so it’s nice that he’s had chance to think about it and research possible jobs.

I’ve spent more time on looking after myself too. And taking time to admire the view along the way – sometimes quite literally. I’ve been spending 5 minutes just sitting in our lovely garden when the mood takes me. I spend so much time gardening, but until now I’ve rarely spent time just enjoying it. It will never win prizes, but it’s a beautiful, quiet place, full of flowers and winged beasties (especially dragonflies!) 2 years ago

- lovely walks with the dogs both yesterday morning and this morning. Weather is very hot (but blissfully breezy today too), loads of dragonflies and butterflies, fields of wheat and oats, with poppies here and there.
- a superb evening with friends. Croquet, followed by lots of good food, and board games. Usually we cop out and play on the Wii but it was good to go all retro and remember how much more engaging and fun board games can be :)
- when we got home it was really late (midnight or thereabouts) but we had to take the dogs for a quick walk. This was the surprise bonus – the sky was so clear, and with little artificial light we could see so many stars, I can’t remember the last time I saw so many, it was magical. Just the silhouettes of the trees around the edges of the field, and all those stars :)
- today we baked goats cheese and spring onion bread (thanks Delia!) and polished off the lot, just cut up with salad leaves. We also baked Delia’s carrot cake as a present for our neighbour. She was delighted with the cake – she’s just got out of hospital after a hip operation. Both her and her husband are in their 70s but so full of life, we got to hear all the gossip and have a good laugh. Before we took the cake round we had to cut off the edges, they were a bit uneven, so we will have to eat them later, I mean it would be a shame to let cake go to waste ;)
- me and Mr B had big chats about the future. That’s the beauty of having these indulgent weekends, we get time to talk about the things that really matter.

So my family… my mom phoned today and she was ok. She phoned during the week and she wasn’t. Her latest is that she doesn’t like our dogs, and we can’t bring them with us. I put my foot down – I mean, they’re like our kids, it’s like saying you can’t bring your kids. She pointed out that we don’t visit very often, and we don’t stay long. Cheers! She NEVER visits us! I point out that it takes 2 hours to drive over there, 2 hours back, it’s a very long day. She says we can get our dog walker to walk them on a weekend (she’s thought about this). I say that it’s not fair on them or us, we don’t get to spend enough time with them during the week. Cue the waterworks from mom :( She is not going to bully me on this one! Mr B, who is sooooo easy-going and pragmatic about everything, was not amused. He says if the dogs don’t go, he doesn’t go. I suggest the easy option would be for me to go on my own. He points out that that would definitely end in tears (if not worse!) :)) He’s got a point, our visits are usually tense, he’s the calming influence.

But hey, other than writing this, I haven’t really thought about these issues with my mom, or my other difficult family members. With regard to the latter, I’m conscious some of them haven’t been in touch for a while, it’s probably ‘my turn’ to get in touch with them, but hey, the can wait.

With our friends we were planning some fun activities over the summer, including various trips to the Shakespeare festival in Cambridge. For most of the summer there are regular outdoor showings of Will’s plays in the sumptuous grounds of various Cambridge colleges, you can take a picnic and everything, it’s all very civilized but relaxed. I can’t wait :)

I’m really liking this goal, it’s going well. Previously when we’ve had weekends like this, I’ve felt like there’s ‘the elephant in the room’, and I should be addressing these family issues, especially with my mom. But now I’m acknowledging that it’s not all down to me, I need to get on with my own life. And my own life is a good place to be at the moment :) 2 years ago

After our horrible week, we spent a lazy weekend at home with the dogs, it was bliss. We went for a big walk along the river yesterday and it was so beautiful, the sky had the most amazing clouds (see photo).

I did call my mom, and it wasn’t good (again), but this time I just didn’t let it eat me up. Once I’d hung up the phone, I just concentrated on my little family and having a lovely weekend. For once I haven’t got that “Sunday evening” feeling you get before school/work, because I know I’ve had such a happy time. Bliss.

We’ve been planning the month so we get lots of similar indulgent weekends. If other members of my family want to see me, they can come over, but I’m not shifting from this little bit of heaven, nor am I going to clean the house from top to bottom if they do pay me a visit (not that my mom would ever do that!... why do we do that, my house is perfectly reasonable as it is?!)

I hope my friends on 43T all had lovely weekends too :) thanks for your support and kind words guys 2 years ago

...and I think I meant to say “emotionally draining” but hey, I guess they’re socially draining too. My Mom is textbook passive aggressive, and it took me years to realise this. Some other members of my family are ok, but many of them are quite selfish and take, take, take. We seem to spend so much time running round after them all and supporting them in every way.

I’m not usually a negative person but I’ve had a horrible week. My husband had a bad health scare and it was so awful, it really knocked the stuffing out of us. It looks like everything is going to be ok but it was one of those moments where, once the initial panic subsides, you step back and re-evaluate everything.

Secondly one of our dogs has had a health scare, and this looks like it might be scary :( they’re running more tests, we’ll have to wait and see.

Thirdly I could have been made redundant this week, fortunately (for me) the axe ended up falling another way, but a friend of mine has been made redundant instead, and it’s dreadful, he doesn’t know which way is up :( All in all we’ve had a tough old time of it this week.

So my mom phones this evening, which hardly ever happens. I always have to phone her, we always have to talk about her, I always have to visit her… it’s very one-sided. So she’s mad at me because I haven’t phoned and I apologise (why???) and explain that I’ve had a bad week. Amazing, she actually let me talk about myself, I don’t usually feature in these conversations. I thought I might be on to some sort of breakthrough, she realises we have lives and s*it to deal with, and for the first time in my life she turns into one of those moms on TV who comfort you and offer wise words. Her response? “It’s all me, me, me, with you, isn’t it? You haven’t even asked me how I am! I’ve had this cold for a week now and it’s making me feel really miserable”

OMG, I could not believe that. I nearly screamed down the phone, but (because I still tippy toe around her I guess) I just lied and said someone was at the door and excused myself. How can she be so mean? How could I be so pathetic?! I’m not scared of people, I say what I think, but I couldn’t tell my mom that she was being hateful and selfish.

Looking back, this is not a one-off. My family have never been there for me, and I know that sounds harsh (especially to me) but it’s true, when I was growing up it was only my nan who looked out for me, and to a limited extent my dad, but they’re both gone now. About ten years ago my husband had a nasty accident and couldn’t work for a few months. It was a hard time, I was working full time, looking after him, taking him to physio all the time … fortunately, we had good friends helping us out in all sorts of practical and emotional ways, they were fabulous. Our folks never came to see us, nor did they even call to see how he was or act as if anything had even happened, even though they knew what he was going through.

This week, and the phone call with my mom …. well, this is where I draw the line. Apologies if this is long and ranty but I needed to get this off my chest. It feels better to get this down in writing, but excuse me while I go and mop up the mascara :( 2 years ago