"Having friends will change your life in so many ways. It provided me with the strength I needed in order to find peace with myself and upon finding that I found happiness and confidence."
How I did it: I was always a shy person, I like to keep to myself, but this was never a problem for me until the age of 10, when I moved from Ireland to Portugal. I was very unlucky as the school I went to was not a good school and very bad for bullying. I found myself in one of the worst classes; I was bullied, isolated from the main 'popular' group and made to feel totally inferior to everyone else. I stayed in this school for 3 years and every ounce of confidence I had was slowly diminished, they tore away at everything good inside me, until there was nothing left. I left the school at 13 years old, not realising exactly how badly they had hurt me. In the back of my mind every day, I told myself that I was worthless.. actually, WORSE than worthless.. 'worthless' is a neutral thing, for example, if you obtained a worthless object, you wouldn't be happy, but you wouldn't be sad either. But I felt as though I was a negative thing, like a disease, if you obtained that you would be sad. And I felt like I was a nuisance to anybody around me, that I was horrible to look at and be in the presence of.
How I did it?
1) Well, in my new school, I remained a loner for over a year, but I found that the change of environments and coming to a new school that was much nicer and filled with children who - although did not include me, did not bully me or make me feel inferior. This is very important. If you are in a school or workplace where you are made to feel inferior, then move to somewhere where you are respected! Even if you don't have friends there, at least people don't make you feel bad about yourself.
2) Eventually, after about a year and a half, I found a friend who changed my life. Although it took a year and a half, it was totally worth waiting for, because he's a wonderful friend who is caring and has brought so much happiness into my life and taught me so many good things about people! So, wait for the right friend, it's worth the time. Don't hang out with people who make you feel uncomfortable or don't listen to you or don't put time into the friendship or don't respect you. If this person is worthy of being your friend, they will prove it to you!
3) If you are like me and have been a loner for a long time and you do make a new friend, you will probably experience a lot of doubt, worry and anxiety. I myself suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder, but even if you don't have a mental illness, you probably will experience some of the things I described. I did a lot of self doubting. It takes time, you are healing slowly and need to be nurtured! For some reason I expected that as soon as I made a friend, that everything would be okay. I admit that my life became significantly better after making a friend, but new problems arised alongside this which caused me a lot of stress:
My friend became very important to me, and ensuring that he liked me was a huge issue. Making friends did not remove the thought in the back of my mind that I was inferior to everyone else, therefore I felt that one day he would decide he didn't like me and just leave me, this lead to paranoia and obsessing.. the smallest things made me think he hated me and it made me upset to think he didn't like me.
I found myself feeling very vulnerable. Because my friend was very important to me, I felt like I was vulnerable, because he was my only friend, but I was not his only friend, meaning that if I lost him, it would hurt me a lot more than it would hurt him if he lost me. - Risk of losing independence.
If you are like me and have been a loner for a long time, you may find yourself becoming dependant on this new friend. A friend can change your whole life and make you happy for the first time in a very long time, but that does not mean that their life has to revolve around yours. Try to keep yourself busy and do some hobbies/sports and make other friends etc. so that you do not become dependant on this new friend.
I do believe that you will experience all of these things, and don't beat yourself up about it for feeling it because I think it is something you have to go through in order to heal fully. You will experience a lot of strange emotions and worries and doubts, but don't get angry with yourself for feeling these things, because they are only emotions that need to come to the surface and that you need to work through, and once you have (it may take months) you will dispense of them and never have to worry about those negative emotions again and have more space for positive emotions ^_^
Once you have gone through all these worries, and lost all that terrible self doubt and feelings of inferiority, you should find that you are filled with a new strength. A strength of independence, positivity, confidence and energy.
I went through a very funny thing, because I needed friends in order to provide me with the strength I required to fully heal from my past, but once I fully healed, I became content with myself and happy with who I was and therefore did not need friends in that same way any more. So in the end, the one thing you really need and require in order to heal is the one thing that you will not really need once you have healed because you will have reached a contentness within yourself, you will have found peace within.
But I do keep my friends close because they provide me with happiness and a sense of belonging, but I just mean that I don't have that same needy, dependance on them any more.
Once you have acquired the strength you will find that you have a lot more energy and confidence to do more things you would never have done before and go out and be social and make more friends. You will want to take up new hobbies and talk with people etc.
Lessons & tips: 1) If you are in a school/workplace where you are not respected, made to feel inferior, or bullied. Then get away from it! There is no way you will find happiness here and it is destroying your confidence whether you realise it or not. Find a school where, although you may not have friends, people do not bully you or make you feel inferior, but treat you as an equal.
2) Wait for the right friend, it's worth the time. Don't force yourself to hang out with a group of people or a person who you don't feel you click with or feel uncomfortable around. This will not make you feel happy about yourself, it will make you feel worse. So just wait for the right friend who will treat you with respect and make you feel happy.
3) Don't change just to fit in! Don't lose yourself, it is very important.
4) You will experience a lot of emotions, do not beat yourself up about it for feeling any of these things because you need to feel paranoia, insecurity, vulnerability, depression, anxiety, self-doubt, etc. in order to get all those feelings from your sadness in the past out of the way and become the new you! Don't forget that although you'll experience some bad feelings, this will be outweighed by the happiness you experience from having friends.
5) Realise that making friends will not make everything better. New problems and feelings will arise. But having friends should make your life less stressful and make you feel better about yourself. Maybe start keeping a diary so that in a few months you can look back and think 'Wow, I'm so much more confident now' or 'I've changed so much in a good way' and you can realise that having friends, although stressful at times, has changed you in a dramatically positive way =]
6) Stay honest. Stay honest with yourself and others. I've always been a very honest person and I tell people how I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel the need to bottle these feelings up, but I never did because I knew it best not to keep things hidden. If you have made a good friend, when the time feels right and you feel you can be honest with them, share with them. The longer you know them, the more secure you will feel with them and should be able to share feelings and stories that you would not share with others. But wait until you know that this person is trustworthy.
If you are like me and have been a loner for a long time and it has had a negative affect on your confidence and self-worth, then this will be a healing process. And you will need time and go through a long while of soul-searching and worrying and doubt, but just keep holding on through it, don't change who you are, and just stay brave.
For me, the healing process took less time than it took for the people in my old school to destroy me as they did.
For 3 years the people in my school tore away at my confidence and self-worth, but it only took less than 2 years for me to, not only be restored to the person I was before, but actually become a better person who is stronger, more mature and very happy =]
Oh also, don't run away from situations that could benefit you! I was tempted to, but I didn't. For example, when my friend invited me to go out bowling with him, I was scared, but I did it and it ended up making our friendship stronger. When he invited me to go to his house for BBQ I was scared as hell to meet his family and have to eat in front of them, but I did it and it made me much more confident and made me realise I am a normal person, I am just like everyone else, I am special and have no reason to be unconfident.
So don't run away from good opportunities :D
Resources:
Remember that you're a wonderful person who is very capable of being a great friend.
Look up confidence/life quotes online, I always found that helped.
If you want to feel confident, keep yourself looking good =] Maybe even adopt a new style that feels more like the new you.
Be open and honest with yourself.
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Jun 17, 08:35AM PDT
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