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I had my christmas dinner at SC, plaza Damas.
Choc indulgence, thai olio,singapore laksa( surprise!), ice-blended green tea.
not too bad. 2 months ago

Chao Keow Tiao, brijal Yong Tau Foo,orange juice. 2 months ago

Aglio Olio & pearl milk tea 2 months ago

seafood creamy spagetti at carefour & coke. good price. 2 months ago

... 2 months ago

... 2 months ago

I’ve been dealing with really bad skin problems since 2008, which are untreatable by conventional medicine, and have at their worst prevented me from being able to work, socialize, and simply enjoy life. Thankfully my health has improved to the degree that I can do all of these things, and in the process of learning to heal I have made some drastic improvements in the way I live for the better. The four significant aspects have been: 1) Cutting out drugs and alcohol, 2) Eating consciously, with more nutrition from plant sources, more organic food, and no chemicals or GMOs, 3) Exploring a myriad of holistic health treatments, such as acupuncture, reflexology, hydrotherapy and energy work, and 4) Experiencing a drastic change in my fundamental belief system, accepting Jesus as my healer and savior, and growing closer to God.

It’s getting to the point where I can say I’m doing all I can on a physical level, and now it’s time to deal with the emotional and spiritual issues that are holding me back from healing. I am a big fan of Louise Hay who has written several books on the topic of how our emotions and beliefs can influence our health. I have realized that I have a big problem with suppressed and misdirected anger, which puts me under a lot of unnecessary stress. I must learn to forgive myself and others, and lighten up as I tend to put a lot of unreasonable pressure on myself. I am glad to have recognized this, with the help of my fiancee who has been by my side watching me deal with this whole process. I am confident that by the grace of God my healing will be completed, and very soon! 4 months ago

I feel pretty complete on this, the pain and shock from what has happened has evaporated. I still have a lot of cleaning to do, basically everything that someone else touched needs to be cleaned and organized. I’ve done some of it but there’s so much to do. Crime scene printed every box, drawer handle, knob, etc possible and well, life moves forward whether you’re ready or not! Having a security system in place also helps me feel comfortable at night.

Things are pretty much back to normal, I’m just aware, very aware of things that go on in my neighborhood. 4 months ago

I have so much extreme anger and rage at being burglarized 2 days before Christmas and my Birthday. I hope the guys rot in HELL.

Not only did they rob me of my stuff which I love dearly (I don’t go shopping often, and when I do, I’m very very picky), they robbed me of my holiday cheer, my Christmas, my birthday, my safety, and my security. I’m angry, very angry. And hurt. It sucks that someone would break into your house and do this to you. (yes, I’m in victim state still). I know that I will heal in time, but I’m pissed, very pissed.

I want my fabulous stuff back.
I want my Birthday and my Christmas back.
I want to feel safe again. 4 months ago

dessert 4 months ago

It has been three weeks since my health problem officially installed itself and so far it has only been a bother. Today it got the worst of me. I feel awful as if it is not going to heal properly. I am sick of those bandages and medicine (which is making me sick). I know a lot of people pass through worst things than I do. It sounds ungrateful and ridiculous even in my head to complain of such things. Even so, after I changed the bandages today, I cried for half an hour – at least. There is no room in my head to spend these last days of the year surrounded by people and their jolly lolly bla bla bla… All I want now as a perspective for those last days of 2012 are peace, quiet, silence, rest, good food and some mild entertainment. And of course: heal. 5 months ago

his words don’t hurt me as much as confirm to me over and over again that he is not someone I will ever trust or be able to love again. That saddens me a bit but there’s also a sense of liberation there…to a point.

Not a single of his words ring true. It’s all the same old tired manipulation and it might as well read: bullshit bullshit bullshit….etc. The insults and slanders combined with the proclamations of love and desire…it is so textbook manipulator that I just shake my head anymore. I admit, the irritation and anger will creep in from time to time and I will allow myself to get snappy with him. I have to work on that. Letting it go, etc.

I also know that he will continuously harass me, my family and whomever I may ever choose to be with.

The real problem is that my “heal” entries are all revolved around “HIM” His almighty fucking presence in my life, heart and head. I don’t want it to be about him anymore. I want to be free of it but he is very interested in controlling and I have been a naive target for these types of people.

I hate the way he is with the kids, he manipulates them too, or me through them and it sucks. they do enjoy spending time with him…he makes it really fun but always makes it feel like some sort of competition, it’s very annoying. I’m not sure if he truly loves them or not. My gut tells me I should limit their time with him but then there’s always the conflict of what’s right, or even what’s legal.

I feel trapped inside this drama even though I’ve managed to push him, at least, to the periphery of my life again. I think therein lies the largest part of the problem, having been thoroughly beaten down and feeling hopeless about ever moving past the drama.

That’s why it feels so much better to just push him away, to get him out of my sight, at least so I can breathe free of the toxicity. That doesn’t seem to work though, given the kids…

I hesitate in typing all this thinking the true questions are “what is my place in this?” “what can I do to heal?” etc. Like, he shouldn’t even be mentioned, like that is displacing my issues onto him and that isn’t what I mean to do.

I guess I just needed to lay it out and figure out where to go from here. For now, I ignore the ranting and raving as much as possible, or at least not respond to it.

I am on a journey of letting go of stress, worry, anger and have been doing really well in that.

I think I am still rather dumb and he knows it too…he knows that I will forget momentarily that he is “the enemy” and in that lapse I will share a conversation with him as if he is just a person…or even a friend.

I can earnestly say that I do not love or miss him at all.

I do allow myself to be somewhat bullied by him and that needs to stop…that certainly is a weakness in me that needs to heal and be addressed. He will try to hug or touch me in public for example and I won’t stand up for myself and say, “get the hell off of me”. He does similar things by making my daughter cry so he can keep her longer and I give in and allow them to stay.

Well, this helped…

-be strong…don’t be bullied
-disregard his psychosis as much as possible and concentrate on my own spirit healing and growing. 7 months ago

thanks for cheering this…I’d almost forgotten, lol.

I am not getting my winter time retreat into solitude after all. things will continue on, pretty much as normal with the new living situation.

I am not sure what is involved with this as I am not actively in pain. I haven’t been engaging with him or stressing out about it though he constantly pursues me.

I’m unsure what this goal really means or how to know when it’s done. 7 months ago

Wednesday.

I went to therapist because my insurance doesn’t have any “grief counselors”. The therapist almost immediately referred me to a psychiatrist, with the appointment 3 hours later. In the first half hour I worked myself into a complete tizzy. My mom left work and came to hang out with me.

I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. History of alcohol and cannabis abuse were added to my medical record (smoking pot for pain and anxiety is apparently abuse. hm, how ‘bout that.). I was instructed to stop all cannabis use for the next twelve months and start taking Effexor immediately. Effexor can cause spikes in blood pressure and can also make bipolarism surface (how the latter is possible, I have no idea).

I melted down in the car (on the way to my parents house, with my mom). My mom and I had a public verbal blowout at the train station. Then we went for tea and coffee. We talked about all the reasons I have been feeling so insanely awful so much recently. We pegged down some key factors and once I had some reasons, I felt better.

Took the Effexor yesterday morning. Went to our yearly staff training day. The last class in my training was a Stress Management class. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT IF YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT was the instructors main message. The message really felt like it sunk in. I learned how to make my heart really laugh (in a way that can be seen on a little heart monitor screen-thingy). Had a generally good day. Then I went to the gym. And SAW STARS. Well, more like spots – all over my vision.

I messaged the psychiatrist today, letting her know I will not be taking the Effexor anymore.

I may or may not go see a therapist again. I did not like the one that I saw (he ushered me out his door while I was still crying). I don’t like the idea of therapists pushing people off onto psychiatrists to get drugged up. Nor did I like how he told me I am 60& likely to have relapses in depression for the rest of my life. I won’t have relapses for the rest of my life. I refuse to. I am stronger than that. If a therapist is going to make me feel weak, then I don’t need to be seeing one.

I didn’t go there wanting medication. I agreed to take it because, when I’m hysterical I’m impressionable I guess. I don’t know. I don’t want medication to “fix” this because I know it won’t. I’m sure the doctor is going to message me back, giving me other medication options but I’m not going to accept them. I will however, try my damnedest to make myself STOP thinking about things I can’t change and I plan to work on making my heart laugh much more often than it has been lately. 7 months ago