Heal

I can lift my arm over my head again, but it hurts. Not bad though, which is an improvement. My doctor put me on an arthritis medication and it seems to be working. I can’t drink alcohol or eat anything that could cause heartburn. Blech =(. So it’s not fun, but I am healing. I need to contact my doctor to see when I can start physical therapy.

have left me sorta broken. Inside and out. I can’t raise my left arm past my chest and I can’t drive a car without my heart racing. I wish I had visible damage so people around me would be like “Wow, she’s hurt” instead of “What the heck’s wrong with her? Why is she bitching so much?”. It seems like when there’s no visible damage it’s harder for people to accept and be sensative to the fact that there IS indeed damage. I don’t want a pity party, I just don’t want people thinking I can do more than I actually can. Just because I’m not crying doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. Until my close peoples realize this it’s going to be hard to heal.

My mother told me many, many times, that it will take some time for me to feel better again. I know it is true but sometimes I feel like I’ll never fully recover. Of course I’ll move on. Of course I’ll smile again. Maybe that’s what really gets me, what bothers me as hell. I don’t feel like letting go. Maybe time will take care of this too. Maybe.

and it’s not about a boy… although, although.

if i was young, i’d flee this town
i’d burry my dreams underground
as did i, we drink to die, we drink tonight

and it rips through the silence of our camp at night
and it rips through the silence, all that is left is all that i hide

...that for some reason centered around Sun and Jin from the tv show “Lost.” Sometimes I was Sun, sometimes I was outside of her- kind of me, kind of not me. Sun/me had acquired a pouch of lavender glittery dust that was magickal in some way. I didn’t want Jin to know anything about it or he would be mad. I was sneaky, I was stealthy, I kept moving it around so he would not find it.

Then I separated from Sun and she wasn’t as skilled as I was in hiding the faerie dust, because suddenly Jin was there and he and Sun were screaming at each other. In between them, a large ball of red energy squirled and pulsed. I ran over and moved my arms and hands around it, like I was using it to heal or doing some sort of spell on it. I thought to myself “Sometimes you need to let the anger out to be able to get rid of it.”

After a long session of spellwork and healing work, we were all exhausted. Jin was asleep on the bed, and I was again Sun. I laid down on the bed completely naked, my body stretched out and ready for rest. I felt no need to cover up.

I am still trying to figure it all out. The lavender sparkle dust, the Korean couple, the roles I play.

The body and mind have an interesting way of remembering the seasons better than any ‘consciousness.’

May has begun, birds are singing, grass is greener than ever, and warmer days have returned. For most people, this is a happy time, a renewal period, and I am glad for that.

For me, though, for the few days that it’s been May, I have been antsy, unsettled, wheels-spinning….It’s taken me awhile to piece it together, and can be best summed up by my grandfather who was rather weary about it: “My sister died in May, my wife died in May, my daughter died in May. I just don’t like the month.” I remember him telling me that last year, as he was preparing to make his way here for my wedding. I, the optimistic one, countered, “Yes, Grandpa, but I’m also getting married in May! That’s got to be a happy thing, right?”

It was a happy thing. In fact, my sister also has her anniversary in May. We decided we’d do what we could to reverse the heavy meaning May carried for us. But May does seem to have its burdens, even aside from its usual connotations (including Mother’s Day). My grandfather ended up having a stroke the night of my wedding (May 25). He did survive it, for a time, but it marked one more ‘curse’ of May. I was nearly through the month last year when my dad announced on May 31 (the anniversary of my mom’s death) that he would marry someone I’ve struggled to make a real connection with. An anniversary that also marked my mom’s diagnosis of metastasized breast cancer: living a year to-the-date.

Today I am not speaking to my father, who did in fact marry that woman in secret. My grandfather passed away in July. I’ve been weary to talk to any family, but my sister.

So does all that explain why I feel so restless, so scattered, so unable to stay focused on anything of importance, without knowing why? Could my subconscious mind and body have a greater memory than my conscious mind? Do they know the dates and associations even better than I, unless I recount them all here? Perhaps.

My anniversary is in just a few weeks. I’m hoping I can at least celebrate that in some tangible way. Lord knows my husband and our marriage are the best things that’ve happened all year. There are some real merits to May, and I don’t want to put any stock into it being cursed, but my heart hangs a little bit heavier than normal, and I remember all the greats that have passed on before me, while I strive to live out a life of love and wholeness rather than loss and regret.

Am I still healing? Yeah, I’d say so.

Since the last update four months ago, there has been no activity whatsoever. Until yesterday. We’ll see if it’s my “catch up” time where I can’t leave the house, or if it goes away, or if it’s completely different.

I think my body/mind diagnosis points toward intimacy issues. It keeps people away, especially men. I had some dreams recently where I trusted men, I put myself out on a limb for them and shockingly, they didn’t take off with my self-respect and everything else I own, which is the only experience I’ve had with them in non-dream life. I don’t just mean boyfriends and lovers. I mean every single man I’ve ever met. Some women too.

But in these dreams I felt how incredible it is to trust someone, to come through for them, and to feel appreciated. I can’t trust my family, and it looks as though I’m not going to have just one failed marriage, but two. I can’t take another day of being unnoticed.

I wonder if there’s a man, even just as a friend, who won’t take what I give him and piss all over it. I feel like my condition is from an overbruised heart, and it won’t stop bleeding. But I won’t bleed to death.

It’s interesting to me that it started again the same day of the dreams.

I have to confess…it still makes me feel immortal. Or maybe I’m just Wonder Woman. :D

i just want to have a treatment plan, that gets my confusing doctors all lined up and in agreement. the problem with my heart won’t go away, but i’d like to know how to manage it.

unfortunately, this is one of those goals entirely dependent on others. luckily, the team of docs is very good. and i think they’ll get it under control. i know i can follow instructions.

i’m ready.

Something quite remarkable happened to me last night. I feel like it has perhaps changed everything, although I’m not sure how.

When I was a little girl, my father and mother separated and both found new partners. My mother’s partner became the most abusive and negative force in my life to date, but my father’s partner was kind, nurturing, fun and supportive. Her name is Shelley and she was the first real mother figure I ever had. She was young (21 at the time I think) and very crazy in some ways. But she had a motherly stability to her that made me feel safe and warm. I always knew she cared so much about us. She was protective of us, and from things my dad has told me now, she tried very hard to convince my dad to try to get us out of our abusive home.

They broke up when I was 9 or 10. She moved overseas and we never saw her again.
Last night Shelley called me, out of the blue. And it made me so happy. I could hear the joy in her voice as she updated me on her life. She’s a mother to a little girl, and lives only around the corner from us! I can’t wait to see her and meet her daughter. To give her a hug and tell her all the wonderful things that have happened in my life.

I never thought about it much before, but it made me sad that all these important memories and emotions felt invalid, because once she left it was as though she had never existed. Such a small reuniting has established such a huge re-connection within my spirit. I feel more whole than I did before she called.

A piece of my still very incomplete puzzle now nestled cozily in it’s nook.