Heal

All I have to do is look back at where I was several years ago, and where I am today. Good job!

where I had my son offered some sort of program providing resources for families/children.

I’m not sure exactly what it’s all about but the woman came today and mentioned a therapy group for women leaving/trying to leave abusive relationships called “Breaking Free”. She recommended it highly.

I think I’ll give them a call…

it’s healthier for me not to be sobbing and raging over him but he doesn’t deserve my lack of emotion. He deserves hate and rage!!

Why am I so fucking weak?? Can’t I remember what he did?

Why is it so difficult for me to believe that someone can be so cruel and manipulative?? I wonder why I get taken advantage of…I’m basically begging for it!

I know I need to think positive but I don’t see myself doing it. I don’t see myself ever fucking telling him NO, GET OUT!! NO MORE!!! As much as I deep down want to and as much as he deserves it. I’ll always take what little fucking scraps he has to throw me, whatever bull shit he wants to feed me and I’ll keep my mouth shut, ever trying to prove what a good fucking woman I am!

Who the hell is this woman?

What happened to the strong woman who takes no shit?

this is some psycological/emotional entaglement, interaction that I’d never understand or heal from without years of therapy.

I have no time or money for therapy.

I’m just passively waiting for him to drop off the earth instead of taking action.

I’m afraid if I tell him to leave me alone, he will. He will leave. He’ll be gone.

No matter how very ugly he is and has been I still feel this is the best there is for me? Or else I’m too lazy/tired/frightened to find something else or someone else.

am calling myself codependent tendencies instead of simply being (as my son says), a pansy, I can more effectively understand my patterns and correct them.

Granted I haven’t been put to the test since this last terrible weekend.

He called last evening to see if I needed the car today to pick up my son.

He didn’t even ask how the children were doing or if he could speak to Lydia. Odd.

I still have my mood swings and I still get kinda depressed every now and then (not to mention how panicky I can be while driving), but all in all I’m getting so much better. I’m letting go of the accident emotionally. I can’t sit in a movie theater for too long and my neck was acting up today, but it’s nothing like it was 4 months ago.

are surfacing now.

I don’t cry or rage or love or miss him.

Sometimes I want to go to him from boredom or habit.

I feel lost and naked without the drama.

What now?

Now I’m truly alone.

and hurt feelings burn a hole in my heart.

Why wasn’t I good enough?

Why was I in fact, terrible enough to watch me suffer and even laugh at my suffering?

I know I’m not the prettiest, most successful woman…I know I am tempermental. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I haven’t come from the best background.

I thought you loved me anyway.

For someone who claims not to be superficial you threw me away for someone prettier, more educated and with more money.

Or so you thought.

Now we’re both alone and you have the nerve to play the sweetheart role with me.

Yes, I’m doubting myself right now, feeling pretty low but do you earnestly think I lack That much self respect that I’ll allow myself to be your 2nd, 3rd 4th…choice? That I’d even comfort your broken heart!!!

God, it’s infuriating, it’s embarrassing.

My inclination is to prove myself, to make him see how fantastic I am.

I’m fairly intellegent but I’ll never be super intellectual book smart. I’m not ugly but I’ll never be super beautiful bombshell/supermodel…I’ll never be young again. I’ve made a decent business for myself but it isn’t one that is respected as successful/professional and certainly will never make me a lot of money.

Funny, not only did I think I was loved in spite of these things. I had the nerve to think that some of these things were, in fact, what made me special and loveable.

I’m just all twisted at the moment. I had made progress toward indifference, toward healing then each little new thing I find out about the situation cuts me a bit more deeply and I have to work through it.

Part of me wants to call him out, make him feel like a fool..and it’d be so easy but I don’t dare engage him in war. I don’t need that stress.

I just keep the knowledge to myself and pray for peace to come to me, for real…someday.

This perfect baby boy at my breast, this angel…this is what was happening while you were attempting to replace me. This is what was growing, making my back hurt so badly and causing my emotions to be more drastic than normal. This beautiful child. this is what made my body unappealing to you…this precious life.

I feel guilty. I hope that my sobbing, crying, screaming, hurting…so much hurting doesn’t affect him. I’d wanted to give my child a perfect start…instead I gave him a pain filled, stress filled pregnancy experience.

It’s more calm now. Life, granted, is chaotic and he is around the sounds of children with their highs and lows. He’s not graced with the quiet days of nursing and calm that my other two were.

Still he calmly suckles while I go about my day, breaking up fights, wiping noses, retrieving markers and paints, put lunches on plates, rescuing toddlers from danger…I now attempt to impart all the peace and love I can. I’m sorry son, for all the stress…it had to happen. I tried to calm myself and many times I did but it was so intense. I’m sorry son that your father doesn’t care, that he isn’t capable of caring….or, I’m sorry that I couldn’t make him love me, couldn’t convince him to stay and be a family and work together.

Yet…..when I pause to think of him…I don’t feel love or sadness or desire. He barely seems real to me. So much was a lie that I can’t even connect with who he is anymore.

Is this just vanity? Hurt pride?

always seems to distract me from my attempted distractions, I am attempting to sit with it and go with it, like the river flows…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBqlTySCUSU

I spent a painful and feverish night last night, even tough I am on antibiotics, and I am out of yougurt, agggg, I don´t want to leave my house!