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Export My Content

Sort out a plan to change my diet through slow modifications


Recent activity

~ Always Free to Choose ~ 4 years ago

~ Always Free to Choose ~I think...

I could mark this as done. and yet all it truly is is “in the works” as they say. I have a sketchy plan of how to sort out a plan lol but as to actually planning how to change it? I think this could take a few years!!! or so it feels, and I don’t want this goal hanging around that long.

The barebones truth is that I have already started slow modifications. I just don’t know what the long-term projections would be. How this is going to look. And really? Maybe that’s nothing I can tell until I get there, you know?

It’s going to be one scary step at a time as I venture into this, but I already know that I will very likely experience more incredulous moments which will make me smile in wonder as well.

I’m started on this road, and now we just take step by step until we move along it. ‘twill be a journey indeed!
~ cf

God is good. I’m still scared, but I can see His goodness through this as well, and that is a step under a whole different goal. :)3 years ago

~ Always Free to Choose ~:)

How can you be so scared and so happy all at the same time. :) I can still sense the health conditions present in my body, and all there awful awful symptoms, but I feel so much better and just so happy and grateful in spirit. I can’t even put it all into words yet, and I don’t care. :) I just want to enjoy it!! lol

God was there, and is there, and I know it has to do with Him. What kept me last night and today was Proverbs 29:25 “The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe.”

Fear of doctors? Disappointed after putting my entire trust in them? Been there, more than done that. But trusting in my LORDis a safe place. I still get scared in the darkness, that He’ll allow more pain or horror, but I do know He loves me and of that I’m sure. and so grateful!

After my appt. today I kept thinking of Sara Groves’ song It’s Gonna Be Alright and this time I was singing it in confirmation not consolation. :) And right now I’m listening to “I Have a Song,” and again, we’ll see how I weather the upcoming storms of fun-fun-fun. lol But for today, I’m just really happy, all the way down to my heart. Not bouncing off the walls happy, but just it feels good, and I won’t waste energy trying to analyze why – we all know I’ll do that eventually. haha!

I guess in short, after all these years I’m accepting things in some ways for the first time. I see that I probably won’t ever be truly well again – I see that for my future and know that will mean a lot of dark valleys if I keep living. But I see the hope of possibly getting better. Not well, maybe, but better. and that could mean SO many things. Maybe a few less aches and pain. Maybe thinking more clearly??? Maybe more endurance. Maybe who knows… somehow it’s just like yeah, life is going to be hard, but God’s telling me there’s a way to live it and I’m showing you.

I still have absolutely no vision for my life’s future. Oh I could come up with great sounding options, but as to something that really is soul-deep springing up – nope. But His eye is on the sparrow, and I know HE watches me. :) So for now, I’ll try to sing in the darkness and in the light…. and heal and grow and cry in fear as I pray God conquers one after the other. And just trust where God is taking me… because He will be there as well.

Prov. 29:19 – “Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.” So I’m asking God to help me crave His Word…. which is so easy to put off and do everything else but read. But holding on to His Word and being faithful to read it reminds me He is faithful to me no matter what I do, and somehow through reading I think He will give me a vision for the future He is creating for me. He’s showing me a vision slowly for now… so, we’ll see how it all goes. one valley and precious truth at a time I guess.

grateful to God,
~ cf 3 years ago

~ Always Free to Choose ~now I could totally be wrong

this has happened before as we know. lol

but tomorrow might be the day I get this mostly sorted. I’m nervous, scared, even excited though I have no idea why I would be!!! lol I’d love to say it’s because I can’t wait to see how God is going to work on my behalf!! lol but I’m not quite there yet. But I’m not going to be surprised if (and when) He does.

so now. to take a few deep breaths, read my Bible for the day…. enjoy the unexpected quiet around me, and try to rest in God’s Word. Tomorrow is not the end of the world or the end of mine (as far as I know! lol) and the same loving Father that looked out for me today when it was so rough, will be there tomorrow. He’s already gone before me and is there right now. and here right now too. I can rest in His arms and know that indeed, my Heavenly Father is watching over me, and He does care about what panics my little fearful heart easily. He does, and I’m grateful. It’s the one thing that’s keeping me sane. :)

going to go try to rest and snuggle up as I read,
not an orphan,
~ cf 3 years ago

~ Always Free to Choose ~Not what I expected but...

this is in the works. just in a different way.

oh let’s hope it helps. and actually, let’s go take a nap so we’re up to the challenge! lol 3 years ago

~ Always Free to Choose ~here we go again.

need to sleep early, can’t figure out what on earth to wear. I seriously need to go shopping. This is becoming a real problem. What’s warm enough, cool enough, comfy enough, appropriate enough…. and still matches. please let me know! lol

and for simply wanting to add a few more things into my diet, this whole thing is becoming a whole thing. Which is good because I needed to know that my body was this messed up, but still, ohhhh…. I just don’t have the guts and oopmh to face it all. and that’s how I feel today, who knows what tomorrow will find me feeling like! I’m trying to trust God, but I’m having a hard time sensing anything because I’m so tired, and I really could use some divine intervention to know what to wear tomorrow! sigh. I mean I know God cares about the little things in our lives too and not just the big, because He cares about US.

at least I just got my Bible reading in for today. Only read half a chapter, but I read 1 and 1/2 yesterday so. energy is just fading these days. I had to rest from waking up it seemed today! lol

anyway, once I am better, I really and truly need to go on a shopping spree and not just buy pieces, buy entire matching outfits! good grief!!

back to the dreaded wardrobe,
~ still_choosing
lol3 years ago

~ Always Free to Choose ~Freaking out: Part 2 :)

Someone just pointed out to me that I am sounding slightly more upbeat in my posts, and I know a turning point was what my assistant pastor and his wife had to say about my spiritual questions etc. However, at this moment right now, it’s mostly for coping purposes! lol I just finished filling out the most in depth questionnaire I think I ever have for a health-care professional. It was really diligently thorough, but terribly personal. yes, I paused to gulp. And we all know how I’m feeling about this already. It had to have taken me over an hour to answer everything. but in the apparent effort to cope, several things caught my eye…

1.) after answering the question about having difficulty in decision making, I was tempted to leave the rest of the form blank. ;)

2.) I laughed out loud and laughed good and hard at the innocent question “Does life right now seem entirely hopeless?” well, now that you mention it… lol It’s just worded so depressingly, that any poor person actually feeling that way could likely burst into tears! (I guess except for me since I did mark clearly yes in between fits of laughter. psycho-analyze that! lol) and no, he’s not that kind of doctor, so that should makes it even more interesting.

3.) To quell my surging fears and varied emotions when finally finished, I promptly decided I will be hunting down my assistant pastor’s wife tomorrow and telling her all about this if she’ll listen. I need someone who will understand why I, a perfectly sane person, am reacting insanely about all this. Knowing someone else is praying will help, plus just talking about these kind of things takes a lot of the fear’s power away.

4.) When I got to the end where you can add more detailed notes, I so wanted to put something like, “and my favorite color is….” because it seemed like they asked everything but that! :)

5.) I fully plan to interrogate the doctor with at least a few personal questions at my next appointment. Need to at least try to even the playing field. Good grief, he is going to know far too much about me. cue the anxiety. lol

and honestly? on a more placid note, it was not fun having to say in detail how sick you are and all your body goes through. Especially since I’ve been sick long enough to try to forget half of the symptoms in order to live. Do I ache, yeah. Am I sore, yeah. Am I weak physically, indeed. Do I want to focus on them every moment when they are not peaking to the surface of my radar? you bet your weight in gold, no! There is so much more to my character than that questionnaire shows. And I’m not sure if I want him to see that or not. I’m just not sure about a lot of this. Hence, the hunting down this lady tomorrow who has been so kind in the past, and hopefully will be understanding and helpful.

Life. well at least it’s never boring. :)
thank you to all who read my ramblings – it’s really sweet to be read. and I hope you know I do that for most of you in return as well!

` choosing_freedom
(yes, indeed, I like who I am…. who God has helped me to want to become and be becoming. if that makes sense. lol) :)3 years ago

~ Always Free to Choose ~scared. nervous. anxious. lol

Tomorrow’s the day. Got myself into a fix and have little choice now but to follow through and talk with someone tomorrow about it now that they’re semi-willing. I just spent 4 hours trying to come up with an outfit. yes. that should clue me in that I’m nervous. Factoring in the changing weather, change in temperature in the various places I’m going, the activities I would have to be able to do and the ease of comfort given the outfit, something that would make me feel confident since I might be ready to cry a river at that point… and… and… (and incidentally I came up with 2 I’m not crazy about so I can drive myself crazy playing eeny-meeny-miney-mo last minute tomorrow.) Part of it is not being able to prepare for this any other way. The only thing I can do is pick out an outfit and show up.

Truth – I don’t even know of what I’m really scared. The changes? Losing things I liked and even loved? The possible effect on my weight for the worse. The doctor not knowing what he’s talking about but being convincing anyway. Not getting any help at all because my case is too complex? Being turned away for that reason and then feeling like I’m too complex in life for other people to bother with. Having to do what someone else says? or having to fight against their boldness because I know they are wrong? Being unsure. Doubting myself? Feeling like my health issues are my fault? Begging for their respect lol or instead trying to be confident without being rude.

I just don’t know. Part of it may be left over from the first time I had to change my diet and the trauma surrounding that time in my life. Maybe. Might be why the fear is unnameable. (wow, that’s a real word, spell-check didn’t catch it. who knew.)

And because this is the internet where no one will ever see this so it’s perfectly logical to divulge one’s very soul, right? (uh huh) I’ll say it anyway (not like I already don’t have potentially humiliating goals in this sense). It doesn’t help that the doctor is in my age-group, and I think single. No, I’m not interested, but I’m not made of stone either. It just makes it that much harder no matter what he does. It’s not his fault. But I need to realize it’s not mine either. We can’t always choose the “issues” we have in life. We can only choose to face them head on in humiliation and often mortification…. in hopes to overcome them.

And as I’ve been trying to work through all these why-am-I-living feelings of hopelessness I’ve been overwhelmed with lately, I looked up more on verbal abuse today. And it’s pretty powerful stuff. I was always told that people just made up the idea of verbal abuse, and they were therefore pathetic sensitive wimps who over-analyzed things. So, what things were said to me weren’t abuse.

And now I’m trying to understand the truth so that I can be more free in my life. [deep breath] and I think I slowly am. Today I realized I can be one of two things naturally – a victim or an abuser. Either I will naturally put myself in places where people will verbally abuse me [ahem, there are a few doctors in the world that should be reading this] or I naturally will fight against people like that and end up going overboard and verbally abusing them. [ahem, there are a few doctors in the world that have been spared a deserved tongue lashing] and for the record, I don’t hate doctors. honest. almost became one. I know they are human too. It just should be unacceptable when some bring their own issues into their practice and force you, the patient, to deal with that on top of everything else.

So. Given my situation, I am in a place to be more sensitive tomorrow no matter what happens. And all I know to do right now is to try to stand my ground. Pick whichever outfit because I like wearing it. March out that door in confidence that I CAN handle whatever situation arises. (even if that means running. I can do that if push came to shove. just sayin.) But no one else will decide for me. God has given my body to ME. HE will help me be responsible for it. And I will truly try my best to polite and kind, but I just as truly want to be firm as to who is ultimately in control of this discussion. I can control the situation and dictate what I will or will not tolerate in how I’m treated. And I can do it with a kind smile, quiet confidence, and strength of spirit. That is true grace.

and THAT is what I’m asking You God to help me do tomorrow… because when my mind freaks out and my body reacts in panic, I’m going to need YOU to be giving me that pep talk and wrapping Your arm around my shoulder as I walk into that building.

ever so honestly, lol
~ cf 3 years ago

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