apply the following as much as possible: there is no hard and fast rule. period

Screw what other people say/think/feel/decide. This was about allowing myself the freedom for me to navigate this path. And if it hurt like hell yesterday, then ok. And if I feel like dancing today? Then ok. And if tomorrow I change my mind back, ok to that too.

For the first time since September, I have perspective that has changed. And while my mom would probably nod and tell me I told you so, she’s right yet again. There is no hard and fast rule.

Nyah Nyah. :)

This goal is all about giving myself permission to feel what I’m feeling and remove the “should” from every sentence.

I started this entire goal after D and I broke up and I was fighting and clawing my way out of a giant personal tailspin. I try so very hard to spend my time focusing on the gifts that I’ve been given, on the task at hand, on keeping perspective that I don’t live in a war zone, that I’m not the property of someone else, and that even in the midst of everything feeling dark and hopeless, that there is no rule of behavior or feelings that will dictate my life with pesky little words like “should.”

So I did the equivalent of a drunken dial and posted some sassy ad on craigslist. Which is how D and I started dating in the first place… Anyway…I got all these responses from some fantastic people, and the instant I spoke to one of them, reality came crashing down, and my heart just broke again because it was real to me, that not only were we broken up “for now” we were broken up forever.

So I dove into school…then a new job (which I love to bits and pieces)...then the gym. My hair stylist is so funny, she’s blown away by the confidence she sees in how I conduct myself at work. And truthfully, I’ve never not been hired for a job I actually wanted. I did some thinking about what that really means in my life.

Every single thing I’ve ever put my mind to, I’ve succeeded and been the best. If I want to learn how to install my roof, I’ll install my roof. If I want to learn to tap dance while jumping through hoops of fire, I’ll figure out a way to do it. I’ve blazed a career trail without a degree. I’ve done things that are atypical for women, especially good christian girls who are brought up “right”. I had spine enough to leave a toxic marriage. I walked away from a super super unhealthy church. I have stomped on the evil black clouds of doubt that chase me sometimes. And in every relationship I’ve ever had with a man, it’s been either based on criteria that guarantee failure (so it can’t be my fault), or I just wasn’t emotionally invested. I’m pretty down to earth, in fact, I sort of have this no bllsh* rule. Just be truthful and say it straight and we’ll be ok. Somehow I’m drawn to men on the margins of life. Retarded.

But not with him. For some goofy reason, I dove headfirst into this passionate relationship. And I let myself be washed away by emotions that had been so guarded they’d never even been out to play. And then a few months later everything went from amazing to broken and I had to pick up the pieces and go on. Thus ending my amazing winning streak. The kicker of it is, he’s the person I want to tell first when I do something great! I want to be able to call him and tell him that Thursday went so well at work I’m probably gonna get promoted. I want to hang out on the couch and watch old movies and snuggle with him and talk about stuff that no one else is interested in. I want to be with someone who has been told that they think too much their whole life…just like me. And I can’t. Even better? He broke up with me using the logic that one day I want to have kids and he doesn’t, so he didn’t want to take that away from me. Not ONE week after we broke up did I face a medical issue that removes any possibility of having kids ever. Irony.

I am absolutely terrified of seeing him again. If I couldn’t lie to him then, how the hell am I gonna lie to him now and tell him everything’s fine?

Bah…. I think I’m gonna table this rant for now and go do laundry.

Because as the rule states…there is no hard and fast rule. Period. So you can spin your mental wheels while sorting socks, five months after you break up with someone if you want to. So there.

I can be 28 and have a fooseball table in my dining room if I want to.

I heard a song we slow danced to today. Promply burst into tears. Hooray.

My desire is now to become a woman I wasn’t. Not in a negative way. But to move in the direction of actually accomplishing these things that I write about.

In some cultures one mourns the death of someone for a year and a day. The grieving party wears black, garments are torn and teeth are gnashed. In others, the name of the deceased person is put away forever as a form of honoring them. In our culture, or more specifically, American pop culture, we mourn as long as there is a headline about it on the evening news. Tsunami relief anyone? Hmmmm I think there was an earthquake somewhere in asia…where was that again? Tomorrow Huricane Katrina will be a distant memory, and something else will take its place. We’re assaulted with horrifying news every day. Sometimes you just need a break.

What about a relationship? What is the appropriate time to mourn? How subjective is it really? Women who are honest will tell you about the half life rule. Half the distance of the relationship is when it’s ok to feel like you’ve taken enough self introspection time to heal and move on. Of course the whole point of this goal is to free myself from all those rules.

In my case, I’m a curious opposite. The longest relationship I’ve ever had was seven years. 2 years dating, 5 married. 2 years happy, 5 not so much. I mourned that loss while I was still involved with him, and the day I left, I was gone for good with all the therapy behind me. The other two very significant relationships were only months long. But they changed the trajectory of my life in ways I’m still discovering. So what is the mourning period for those? It took me two years to get over relationship 2, and here I am a mere 3 months out from relationship 3 and I am at a loss. Having gone on two dates with a very nice man, I feel almost like I’m cheating on a relationship that doesn’t exist anymore. Well, not really. I feel more like I don’t want to tell anyone that I met someone new because I don’t want to hear the slightly judgemental comments about “oh didn’t you just get out of a relationship??” I have to fight that natural urge to want to sit someone down and explain every microscopic nuance about someone that mattered so much to me. He was like the first deep breath of my whole life. All I can be is silent. Odd that.

I want to look forward to the future. I want to thoroughly enjoy every moment. Notice the word is want, not am. The guards that I fought for years to take down are back up and they have all sorts of resistant forcefields that I keep bonking my head on. Damn.

Let’s leap off into the hypothetical universe for a moment….let’s say this whole new guy situation progresses past a third date and a fourth and a fifth etc and a few months down the road we end up in a relationship. I could lie in bed with this person, snuggled under a blanket, all warm and toasty, listening to the rain on the roof and still be completely alone. That entire thought is disheartening. I kept my heart closed because I needed to be safe. I found one I could trust and it fell apart, and now? Now begins the real work of taking those walls down again, piece by piece.

So what is the mourning period for relationships? And what is the first piece of the wall I should work on? Can I use a train? Some dynamite? Or does it have to be taken down slowly? How do I avoid being fast forward girl?

Ahhhh solitude, this is what it gets you…more questions than answers.

If you want to be a parent one day, don’t date people who are very certain they don’t want children. It will avoid heartache in the end for everyone.

Repeat to oneself as necessary.

doesn’t necessarily apply. Half the length of the total relationship is usually the amount of time it takes you to get over someone. yeah…don’t I wish.