about what I will tell my psychiatrist in January at my next appt, and I was thinking that I would say I don’t know if any of the things he has put me on are working. Part of me feels like I can’t even judge if it works or not. I feel better than I did last summer, yet not much has changed. I feel like I am just defective, and it not depression, I’m just too negative, and too lazy and too anti-social. I need to change me and that scares and depresses me even more that I am just that dysfunctional.

Maybe going up to visit my brother on Thanksgiving has stirred somethings up. I hate living a state away from him. He’s like my other half, and my favorite person in the world. Not being able to see each other often is so painful. He moved away with his girlfriend to a place where real estate isn’t ridiculously expensive. Where it’s green and beautiful. Where there are seasons. I want that, yet I worry about uprooting myself and becoming too dependent on them in a new city. I used to change cities to find happiness every few years, and I thought I grew out of that stage. So, they are planning on getting married in the next couple years and having kids. Watching him “grow up” makes me wonder about my future- husband and kids-wise. I want the cliche, 2.5 kids and all that and I worry that if I don’t change my ways I’ll be lonely eternally. My brother mentions me being more socially active and getting out there to meet someone, and it’s like I’m this old dried up spinster. I think people scare me. Dating scares me. But I also want a relationship that will be long term. Oy. My mind just exhausts me. 2 years ago

I just found an awesome blog entry on depression, that I thought I would share. And keep to re-read.

It feels like depression is everywhere sometimes. Today, it’s not so strong in me, but it just seems so present in others. An entry on here. And a blog post I randomly ran across. It’s amazing how depression tricks your mind into believing that you are flawed. That you are alone. But it’s wrong.

http://mooshinindy.com/2010/06/01/i-am-depressed/ 2 years ago

it just feels like trying to do everything under water. The resistance in the small things make them feel so huge. Every step, every plan, every action is up against an invisible wall that no one else can see. Today it’s SO frustrating, to feel as if something is just naturally wrong with me. The negative thoughts just seem to take over, and repeat themselves in my head until I believe them. 2 years ago

I need to keep it up, ‘cause I’m HAPPY. :)

Today was such an awesome day. Yesterday evening I went to a spontaneous celebration dinner with friends, and I haven’t been social in over 6 months. I haven’t wanted to do anything. Then today I met an old friend for lunch who just moved right around that corner from me and we spent all day touring the neighborhoods, checking out scenic lookouts, taking her dog to parks, and going on little walks. It was fun to reconnect with an old friend who I had grown apart from for the past couple years. She now lives minuted from me, and I’m excited to be jumping out of my rut and into life :D _{or perhaps my new thyroid drugs are working in their 1st 12 hours of starting them…}2 years ago

Had interesting results. I found a new GP, and after not having insurance for the past 5 years, I’m determined to use my new insurance to the fullest.

So, I’m seeking out new doctors, and making my health a priority. My Dr. last week said that I have a ginormous thyroid, and ordered an ultrasound on it for next week, as well as a blood panel.

He said something very interesting- Thyroid disease can mimic depressive symptoms. But, depression can not mimic a thyroid disease (ie enlarged thyroid). He also said that his sister went to a psychiatrist to treat depression, and then a regular Dr. who diagnosed her with Thyroiditis. Once this was treated, the depression symptoms went away.

Hmmm… we shall see in a couple weeks after the tests. 2 years ago

is it’s elusive. It’s insidious, and lies dormant for so long.

I never thought I would be here again, I thought I “beat” it and learned how to defeat it. I thought I was better than it, but it’s proven me wrong.

I started on new meds last week to try a proactive approach, after being drug free for 3+ years. There’s hope with that change. Trying something different, to produce different results.

This time it’s more frustrating though- there is no reason to be depressed. My life is good. I have an amazing new job. I just have no motivation. I have nothing that excites me, and increasing feelings of wanting to isolate. It’s not me- I have lost the excitement I felt only months ago in things I love- blogging, in striving to achieve goals, in hoping for the future, in connecting with people.

It’s hard to try to make people in my life understand that depression isn’t logical. It’s hard to make myself understand that it’s not my fault.

So, I must fight, again. 2 years ago