I’ve hung out with him twice this week, but I’ve decided to just let him go and get back into touch in a year’s time. I think distance between the two of us is something that is needed. 4 months ago
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How I did it: We were both committed to making sure our kids were happy and okay, even with divorced parents. Here's how we managed it. It's not easy, but it is pretty simple. And it's so very worth it.
- Freely forgive any wrongs done to you. Forgive, and let go of them. Let yourself be forgiven, too. In divorce, we've all done wrong somewhere. Let it die with the marriage.
- Accept the person for what they are. The good, the bad, all of it. Accept yourself too. Recognize your own bad and good qualities.
- You must let go of the idea that you'll get back together. It's only going to get in the way. If you were that great together, you wouldn't be exes, would you?
- Talk. Speak kindly and politely. If you can't be polite, you aren't ready to do this.
- Let it be okay for both of you to move on with your lives. Without interfering in their life, be available to talk.
- Set common goals, especially with regards to any children.
- Pick your battles. With parenting, there are going to be things they do that you hate, that make you nuts! Before you rant, ask yourself: Is this really the end of the world? Is this truly harmful or damaging to the kids? If it is, speak calmly, politely, and respectfully. If it isn't, let it go.
- Always, always, always (get it?) be respectful. Treat them the same way you would an old friend. Remember that you share a history. You ARE old friends, even if you are figuring out how to be friends.
- No manipulation. Don't do it.
I was a child of divorce, not a friendly one, and from talking to my kids, I know they have none of the anxieties and guilt and mess that I did. It's not always perfect, but it's pretty good.
Read how I did it… 4 months ago
I had a dream this morning that I had had one other time about going back to the city where my ex lives and it was 10 pm and cops were chasing people to go home (seems kind of futuristic!), including me, but none of us were taking things seriously. I was walking back to my ex’s place, I don’t know why, but maybe because we could hang out as friends, when I saw the type of car my ex drives; lo and behold, my ex was in the car with some girl he was dating in the dream; she was pretty with dyed black hair and she was smaller than me. I saw them getting along swimmingly. My ex and I looked at each other and he frowned at me. The girl looked at me, probably curiously. Then I did the dumbest thing ever: I started sticking out my tongue with him and we were moving our hands near our ears both mad at each other! When the girl hadn’t been looking at one point during that embarrassing scene, I mouthed to my ex, “I’m sorry,” to which he mouthed back, “For what?” I ended up walking away after my attention-seeking moment, only to see my ex and his new girl chatting away again.
I would’ve been hurt had I have actually seen my ex with this girl, yes; we had just broken up three weeks and two days ago (it’s still fresh) and being on the receiving end stinks, however I definitely wouldn’t have acted that way. I would’ve been hurt and probably angry, but would’ve either walked away or stood there until my ex drove off. In any case, my sub-conscious can’t hide the pain I’m still feeling deep inside from my ex breaking up with me. It’s interesting to kind of observe myself in third person and know that I need to heal myself before I ever see my ex because who knows if by then he’ll have someone. 4 months ago
M and I broke up on the 26th of December. It’s been hard. I had to end up having my name taken off of the lease and moving back in with my mother because M didn’t want me living with him anymore. I wish things had turned out differently between us, but we both agree that we lost ourselves in the relationship. I’m going to give him space, as pestering him to get back together is just pushing him away. The much-needed space will also help me to get my bearings together. He wants to be friends “right now,” which I think is 1) his way of either letting me down gently or 2) his way of saying that I’m his backup plan. Sigh. I remember getting so stressed out during the relationship that I did just want to end things and be friends, so I guess I did get what I wanted. In reality, I don’t think I ever really wanted the relationship to end; I wanted the stress to end. Maybe in the future – after we’ve been friends for awhile – we’ll get back together. Who knows. 4 months ago
I need to remember how important and special it is to be able to have him in my life, rather than not have him in it at all. It a definite possibility that I could lose him totally, as a friend, and that would be extremely heartbreaking. I don’t have to trust him with anything important or get back together with him, so there’s no further reason for paranoia and hurt. 12 months ago
Trying to stay friends with an ex, despite strong paranoid feelings about him? Any suggestions? 12 months ago