die painlessly

die painlessly…. i really want to do that…. it just hurt so much to be in a place where nobody understand you, where nobody really cares what you feel. i’m really really tired.

How to die painlessly? I have never been happy before in my life, i’ve always thought that being happy is well contented for me. When i am being alone, i thought of being commiting suicide. I always let my emotion get out of control, what am i doin? I have not done something great in my life. I don’t have good friends, even though there is, i dont know whether they are trueful to me. They dont understand me, even my parents. When i am feeling down, they nagged at me. What is worth doing in the world? I dont know. When comes to love, i am a moron. I dont know how to love. I dont know what is lacking for her love? When i gave it all, i dont ask anything for return. I just ask that she could feel it in her heart. But? I cried but no one knows, i feel like dying no one knows. Why am i brought into this world for suffering? Why not end my life? I dont care anymore if something would happen to me. I dont care if i am dying, suffering from what kind of illness. Please let me die naturally, let me die painlessly. I am feeling so desperate.

for the last 10 years of my life (age 23) i have done nothing but cause problems for everyone. It started when i first stole money from my dad (Not biological for wich i do not know who he is). I have a bad temper and get violent and destructible. I have ben to doctors and have taken medication. 1. the doctors do not live my life and canot relate to how i feel so whatever they say is just bullshit anyway dose not help. 2. medication has done nothing besides in my opinion fuk me up worse. I have never met my real father and do not really care to look for him. My mom is oblivient to what and how i feel. My mom has spent over $100,000 on bailing me out/lawers/fines/housing. ive ben kicked outa the army after my best friend died in a carcrash with drunk drivers. I started smoking pot when i was 10 years old. ive ben in many fights and done some verry bad things to people. I have grown to put that past me and leave regret alone. I thought joining the army would help but when he died i went off the wall. wich i regret now but was a learning experince. when i got out the army i was at a party where there was a girl and guy arguing wich then resulted him putting a gun to her head. I had quickly jumped to the plate and disarmed him and made him inmoble. the police got there and quickly put me in handcuffs. Then proceed to tell me becouse i was from chicago in wi there gonna take me to jail, and sure as hell they did. i had gotten the statements from the others and everyone of the statements read that i had just started a fight with him cuz i was jellouse, mind u i knew noone there besides my cuzin. they had put me on probation and my lawer and fines and fees were over 25k, and wouldnt let me move back to il. so i started a life here in wi. 2 weeks later after the incident (before court) i was driving and stoped for soposivley a routine traffic stop. they thought i was drunk so they brought me for a blood test. I had Pot in my system wich i had smoked at the party. they convicted me of DUI and lost my liscencs for a year. i got my liscencs back just 3 months before probation had ended. the next day after probation had ended i had smoked a bowl with some old friends from IL. 2 weeks later comming home from a 3rd shift job i got side swiped bye some lady, ofcourse i had contacted the athouritys for insurance purposes. they had said my eyes were a lil red. so again brought me in for a blood test and ofcourse i had pot in my sestym again. so they took my loscens again for a year. but now im stuck in a town with 500 people and no jobs or school within 67 miles. i had a job and school but i got cought driving to them and now lost my liscens for the rest of my life. im not a bad guy, i work, i dont drink nor smoke. i do not go to parties, or really have to much a social life besideds texts to adn from friends. And the government has ruin my life indefinitly. during this time i was living with my girlfriend who was from the same town in il i lived in. she had gotten pregnant, i was happy, i moved further up north to work a steady job provided by some of my family members. After about 2 months i had enuff for half of the coast for a new house that was sale. So i had bought it for a new start and over come of my past and to build a family. she moved to il with her mom for thier family doctor. i had drove back and fourth 4 hours every otherday to be with her for doctor opiontments adn moral suport. 6 months after the baby was bron due to dna test he wasnt mine. i ahd fell off my mountian i was nearly to the top. Before all this i used to be a drug abuser and had quit doing drugs. for the last 6 years my whole family has done nothing but think of me as a pos. and i ahd tried for years to make good on my past and do good but was never enuff. i cant walk in a room without my dad bringing shit up from 10 years ago and my grandma telling me im nothing but a pos and should kill myself. my unlce was my male role modle as a kid sence i had no father at the time, and growng up whatching him pull out shotguns on my grndpa all drunk, kill cats with his bare hands and other rediculous shit. but incite all this i cause my mom the most griefe, she tried so hard on tryn to help me become a better man, so much money spent and time spent tryin to fix things, she cant even buy herself a purse now becouse of all the money she has spent. SO I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. im not mad on how how i live becouse i know its better than i used to be but my family and friends cant see that they see what was 3-10 years ago. so i dont want to kill my self becouse of all my problems i want to kill my self so my lil bro dosnt have me to look up to. For my mom so she can take the money that she might spend on me and my problems and go to vagas like she always wants to, so my “dad” can stop worring on how much of fuck up i am and focus on his real son (my lil bro). he is a good kid staright a’s basketball star and good with the ladys. i am verry proud of him and the path he has taken. So my grandma can not worrie about ahving to take me to court. So my uncle can relize that he needs to change. nothing bad has happend to this family and i think its about time. I want people to learn from me NOT follow me. I would be relieveing so many people from the stress and pain i had caused. im not doing this for my self im doing this for others. i do not know how. but Come this xmas eve will be the last time any one sees me. I will be walking into the garage will a loaded 30-06 will be waiting there all my notes and stuff that i want my lil brother to have. i wish i could kill myself without shooting myself. For i think that would be the most damaging to my lil brother seeing my brains all over the floor, wich smell like rotten eggs, becouse well ive seen it before. the only thing that keeps my mentality to an acceptible level is pot. and ofcourse thats ileagle in this state. but ive tried every medicain they have gave me, and im either laying in bed sleeping all the time, gaining wieght, or at times just way more crazy than without it. none of the medication has worke. Zoloft, trileptol, Tranzadone, seriquil, and much more has ben usless to me. I just want to relive everyone from thier worries about me, what better way than not be here at all???? I dont think any one can help. Maybe if i met a good girl to help me overcome and look forward to somthing, sence every accomplishment i ahve made has some how just gets crushed. idk what to do besideds like i said just not be here at all. And i know what ur thinking, what about the cancer patient that has only 3 weeks to live and the lil girl with no hair due to kemo, the guy that has 4 kids and lost his job. i know and i feel bad for them but they want to live I DONT!

I have a good life till now, the problem is i lost interests in this life everything i do is just a routine nothing in this life can excite me, i have 2 jobs, go to gym and go to parties almost every weekends i have lot’s of friends and i might seem happy from the outside but form the inside i am just waiting for the moment to end my life, having lot’s of insomnia and thinking about my future have become an obsession as i can’t do anything by myself and always need my parents to help me, life have become tough for everyone, i cannot continue to challenge life by myself i was searching for relief and thought of medical treatments, i’ve got Xanax pills (but illegally without prescriptions, and seeking medical help first) they helped a little but it wasn’t what i was looking for i have a good family and they treat me well, i am afraid that they will suffer too much from grief after my death, i think i am able and ready to end my life i am just searching for the final exit in other word the legal drugs that can be lethal to end a life. I heard that Xanax and alcohol can be a deadly combination and might end a life, but how many dosage of Xanax does this take i don’t want to end up in a long coma, or if there is any other medical pills that might be less suffering… ?

i had gotten married 2 mnths ago and immediately after 2 weeks, my husbans started having an affair, i finally found out 2 weeks ago, ever since then, ive been devastated, itz easy 2 put a happy n brave face in front of everyone but im just becoming weaker day by day, ive given up on life, my marriage and love, therefore ive decided to end my life but just dont have guts to do so, lookin for a painless way 2 end my grief ….

Both my parents hate me. I hate them as well. I’m only 13, I can’t run away. I just want to get out.

the best way i would say to go is to overdose on prozac. take 20-25 of them. You will feel insanely happy and optimistic, even while you are dying. I watched my best friend kill himself. I promised him i would watch. 20 minutes after he took those pills, I saw a different man in front of me. That day I learned where true happiness comes from in this life: Heavy medication.

i wish I had someone who cared about me. but its my fault i dont. “you can’t be loved by someone else unless you love yourself first.” ive heard that so many times. my life is beauty and the beast, but i have no rose, and no beauty. thats how my story ends. i will live life as an unloving beast and will die that way. the doctors basically told me the reason im depressed is not aresult of incidents in my past, which are pretty terrible, but because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. the only way for me to be happy is to take these pills i guess. according to them. my depression is all consuming, but i have grown very good at hiding it. most people don;t know im suicidal, depressed past the breaking point. they just see me as joe. i have no idea who the joe they know is, but its definitely not the real me. and i fear it wont ever be. try to imagine facing the fact that no matter how many times your parents, or your girlfriend, or your close friends say they love you, they really dont. knowing that because of your own self hatred, they can never truly love you. i see this all the time with my parents. they say they love me all the time, and that they will always love me, but in an instant those strong feelings of love can turning to burning hatred towards me. iknow that my parents hate me. even i hate me. so that brings the total count of people who love me to, oh around 0. what is the point of a life without love? Every person i’ve ever said i loved, i realize now what i felt. the shell of love, something for me to use against people to make them feel the same way i do. my “love” causes only despair, and spawns yet more hatred toward me. these past few months have been suffocating. i am strangled by my own thoughts. and one day soon, very soon now actually, i fear my thoughts will be the death of me. I wish only to die, but i dont even have the balls to kill myself. i fear what awaits me on the other side. for i know that if there is a heaven, and a hell, then my final destination is clear:the pits of hell. i fear the punishment that awaits me, but also….i yearn for it. its hard to explain. even though i fear it, i wish with all my might that there is a hell, a place where i can be tortured and broken for all of eternity. i deserve nothing less than that. through my actions in life, and just by existing, i know i deserve to be cast into unimaginable pain. lately, since i havent been around “friends”, that is all i can think about. every moment of my life now i wish to join the hordes of the damned and be broken in unimaginable horrific ways. these thoughts fill me with a new depression, and it sometimes makes me feel good, knowing that torture awaits me. i feel like the only way i can be content is to be depressed, all the time, im slowly losing the will to move, and to do anyhting, really. i surround myself in the darkness of my mind, and my self hate grows every day. its so hard to fight…i dont want to fight it anymore. i want to die. i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die I WANT TO DIE!!!!! please, if there is a god, please kill me, or give me the strength to kill myself.

i want to die. I have had it with this life. People around me dont understand what i have to go through everyday. I cant deal with anything anymore. So i give in. Im not a strong person who is brave and can live with this. I am a weak quitter. you can always count on me to quit on something, But i love my family and friends very much. And i have hurt them to many times. Another reason why i give in. I love this boy, i p**d him off. But i love him too much to annoy him. You know if he cant forgive me and others cant forgive me, i just give in altogether. anyone have any ideas on how to die painlessly. i need to get out of this life. And i need a way

Im sorry. I am just sick of living. Im sorry God, and friends and family, and everybody who cares. I just hate being here, I want out.