starting to think it was silly to set the bar so high…haven’t been to one class in weeks, let alone 3. but this is so important to me. i think i need to re-break in to going, its been so long there’s a wall of anxiety hiding but blocking my way. now that i get home at 5 this should be easier than ever. classes start at 7 which means leaving home at 6:30. so i have ages, AGES to chill, eat, get dressed and freshen up. i guess i also just feel so exhausted when i usually get home. all i wanna do is flop, vegetate. even though i usually walk away from a class feeling like ive just had a hugely positive experience, after a full day at work i dont feel i have the energy for any kind of experience besides a lazy one.
writing course starts next week which takes out tues and thurs, and i dont like the friday teacher, so i guess i should start aiming at going mondays and wednesdays. and on the weekend. why is this so hard? its not like it requires any thinking at all. maybe thats the problem, since thinking is my forte. it only takes 2 hours out of my day and adds immeasurably to my happiness and confidence. god i feal retarded for not doing this more willingly. if i dont take care of my body then my writing suffers, too. arrgh! ok, baby steps. i will try to go on wednesday. no, i WILL go on wednesday! 2 years ago

i got really close to going alone today but then it started raining and i dont know the teacher on monday and…i just CANT STAND how easy it is to make excuses not to do something that i love!!although it really is alot easier and more enjoyable to go with a friend.
this will sound lame, but ive been single a while now and keep being attracted to men that have emotional issues and need taking care of, and generally dont have a positive outlook. i have this weird feeling like the guy ive been waiting for might be found at the dance studio i go to. i like the idea of dating somebody positive and fit who shares a passion with me. maybe its just wishful thinking. if nothing else, dance also seems like a good way to meet new people. i could do with some more positive, mellow friends. mine are being a bit bitchy at the moment.
the only way to get better is to practice. i have plenty of time now. i think i need to stop relying on others to determine whether i go, to just be braver if i can and try to enjoy it alone. probably easier to make new friends that way, too. dancing feels like the yang to my writing’s yin. the two creative forms really feed off each other. and dancing is fantastic for letting off steam and generally moderating my add.
its the walking there thats the scariest, and the waiting in the room before the teacher arrives. when im walking there im thinking, “what am i doing? this is going to be so daunting and exhausting” and when im waiting i feel like everybody is staring at me. but once i start moving its pretty easy to not give a fuck anymore about anything but keeping up. i hate anxiety. 2 years ago

so as of December ie tomorrow im unemployed. im using this to focus more on what i love, writing being #1 and hip hop being up there too. i love class and i love dancing in clubs, but i gotta say when i see crews busting out in formation, unless theyre super tight, that i find it usually lame. Because dancing to me is about expressing individuality, so watching everyone do the same thing (unless theyre contributing to a bigger picture) seems uncreative. im really psyched to start working on this goal right away :) 2 years ago

i went last wednesday and am looking forward to going tomorrow. i was interstate the last 2 weekends after a friend passed away. dancing last week helped make me feel a bit better. i am going to volunteer on sunday at 11:30 so perhaps i could incorporate this into hip hop which starts at 12:30. since im already up and out of the house this may make it even easier for me to go to class. 2 years ago

This sounds kind of full on considering i struggle to attend one per week. But its what i really want. ive been really sick on and off for the last month so been feeling a lack of energy and inspiration. and i thought this goal was more specific than my ongoing goal to exercise on a regular basis.
this goal challenges me to not only be motivated but more so to be brave enough to go alone. the dance community are generally really positive and supportive so i know most of my fears and insecurities are in my head and totally unfounded.
dance is without question my favourite type of sport. it comes so naturally to me. i always used to love closing the door and dancing in my room for ages growing up. although i also love anything to do with water, and pilates, and boxing too : ) i want to take advantage of the amazing dance studio thats so close to my home and work and try to fulfill more of my potential as a dancer. even though i know im too old to ever be a great dancer i really want to learn much more and meet people who feel the way i do about hip hop. i really feel this missing in my life at the moment. ive been to most of the teachers there so i know fridays and tuesdays are out. if i could keep going wednesdays with my friend from work, then maybe get another friend to come on sundays, then round it out with going solo monday, then that seems the most likely way to make this happen. funny how its the same with dancing as writing – 2 things i love but i avoid them out of fear of failure. i wish i could figure out a way to get around fear holding me back. 2 years ago