remove this whirling sadness

Whatever… Sadness is not that bothering. & I’m not always conscious

It’s odd, but once I figured out what I was doing for Thanksgiving I felt better. So simple.

beat my depression.

I feel like I crash landed back to Chicago, and I don’t know what to do. I’m burned out by all the old stuff, and although I’ll be finished soon, I just want to start something brand new. And I’ve lived in this city too long. And family is uncommunicative. And I’m unemployed. And I want to meet my soulmate. What will make you happy, Lisa? Here. Here’s 40k. Whee!

Positive notes (psyching self into happiness): Being single was nice for travel/I didn’t have to be accountable to anyone/being unemployed allowed me lots of time to relax and hang out and aimlessly wander (all the way across the Atlantic)/being an orphan has some benefits, too (this one is close to the bone, though. Don’t really know what the benefits of having a family that hardly speaks to one another is)/I’m broke now and I wasn’t before (but discovered a little bit more $ to tide me over). Okay, I’m wallowing a bit on the bottom of my inner ocean. So the only way down is up, right?

And just when I thought I had given up on this, it’s suddenly gone!

Well, not really suddenly gone. It had a lot to do with working on myself in the past couple of months, in changing and rebuilding things that needed to be changed and rebuilt. I just didn’t expect this to be one of the many unexpected benefits of the growing pains I’ve been going through lately.

I am a better person now, and I feel better, too. And yes, I am happy, in spite of everything. Now I can say that and mean it.

I don’t really think this is giving up. It’s just that I know it won’t completely go away, I’ll have to put up with it every so often, and I think accepting all this is just as good.

and I’m starting the long process of rebuilding. I had the order wrong on what I should do, though. Last night I burned the remaining structure and cleared the area. Instead of totally blowing the wall away and salvaging what I’m able to, I’m going to try to take care not to break any and put them each away to be saved for my flower garden border. The clouds cleared late last night and I saw a beautiful moon and many beautiful stars. This morning everything appeared bleak because of all the charred remains of what once stood there, but I looked toward the sky and saw wonderful sunlight and birds were singing beautiful songs. I see a lot of scars on my body from my wounds, but I’m sure they’ll fade with time, too. I am able to look forward to what lies ahead whatever may come, and to be at peace. I am happy finally that I can rebuild and that what I get will be several times better for me than the first structure.

^{I want to note that this goal was not accomplished on my own. I had a lot of help from some behind-the-scenes people on-line and off-line. It is very important to get as much support from others to help you do what needs to be done during times of great sadness. I’ve had lots of prayer and encouragement from these people. Please if you’re doing this goal, don’t go at it alone!}

Yesterday, I had to look at the wall and damaged structure again. I’ve been avoiding the site lately, but was called back to it yesterday. In a way it was a reminder of how hard this weekend will be, but it was also a reminder of how much it needs to be done, too. I’m really going to have to focus on this goal this weekend, though!

at the site of where the structure stood. So, I’ve been working on the blueprints for my new structure. I know exactly what I need to do now, and am gathering the resources to make it happen. Preparations for complete demolition of the site will be made on next weekend. Then, I will gather the bricks I’m saving for that flowerbed border and transport them to the new site next month to start building the flowerbed border. It may not be as striking as the structure that it came from, but it’ll be a nice reminder of all that was positive about it. I’ve got a lot of bruises and scrapes, still, but the pain has left my body, and healing is well-underway. The rain has washed the dust and some of the small debris away. I am able to laugh again. I am regaining some optimism.

I’ve had the structure examined to see what actually needs to be done and what is best for it. There are major changes ahead. It was suggested to me that not even the wall be saved because of safety reasons, that was very hard for me to accept. However, I know that it will be best in the long-run. I’ve decided to use some of its bricks for a little flowerbed border somewhere else, because they really won’t suit the architectural style of what I’m going to build anyway on this site. I’m still grieving its loss, but I’m able to see some advantages to this situation. I’m beginning to have some times where I can experience brief periods of happiness again. I’m also getting very focused on solutions instead of the massive destruction that is before me.

and I can finally look around and see the true damage to the structure that was inflicted by the bomb. The smoke still burns my lungs, and I’m seeing just how badly I was wounded in the explosion. It is still very fresh in my mind. However, as extensive as the damage was, it’s not as great as I once thought it might be. I’ve consulted with some of the best engineers, architects, and contractors to see how the structure might be repaired. They all had the same opinion, that it was time to tear down what was left and build another structure. I’m unwilling to completely tear down something that I have been building for 11 years, though. I’ve decided to save the wall around the structure and try to repair it, but that may prove futile. I can always take it down and build another wall should that become necessary. I will never be able to have what I did have before the bomb, but I’m aware now that I can clear away what is not able to be repaired and make room for a different, more suitable structure. This time, I will seek the finest materials to build my new structure and oversee every last detail to make sure this structure is truly worthy of my investment. While I’ve still got a lot of injuries from the explosion, they are starting to heal.