forgive

my pastor talked about forgiveness this weekend. He suggested that we make a list of people to forgive and keep that list with us the entire week…has he been reading my thoughts?

I put this goal up, I’ve been running into people that I need to forgive. I mean I’ve been seeing people that I haven’t seen in years!

The other day I ran into a woman that I worked for briefly. She actively worked to give her boyfriend credit for the work that I was doing…and wasn’t exactly subtle about it. I quickly found work in another department, but I’ve never forgiven her. I thought it was in the past, but she came through my area a few days ago and I was (am) still upset.

Hate really is like a man burning down his own house to get rid of a rat…but this one is going to take some work.

I was outwardly kind to her, and helped her with her work…but I wasn’t diggin it, I mean I REALLY wasn’t diggin it.

At least I was able to restrain myself and be nice to her, but I need to get this garbage out of my head, and out of my heart.

Maybe being outwardly nice is all I’m capable of right now…but it’s not where I want to set up camp.

I think I get it. You dig far enough into it, the wrongs others have done to you, your feelings of rage, etc., and eventually, you are implicated in the very thing that you despise. We are all at root, the same. We have the same failings, weaknesses, selfishness. Oh no, that doesn’t make these wrongs right – but it seems to suggest that failure is part and parcel of the human condition. Who is exempt? Oh, we wish we were – how we wish! But we are stuck with the same limits. Had a reckoning with my own heart of darkness over the weekend. Feeling as I honestly do about some of these people – I cannot in honesty feel superior to them. Like it or not, I am coded with my own breed of spite and greed, and I had best spend my time and consciousness managing myself. The spell is broken. I no longer feel a victim, because I know that I am just as rotten as what I hate. We all are. I am genuinely surprised to discover I can no longer convincingly stand on my high horse, and I no longer feel so alientated and angry at the people I thought I’d never forgive. If only I were perfect! Dipping my big toe into the murky truth of my soul has caused all pretenses to drop away. And even though I haven’t done much of anything in my life – good or bad – the extent of the rage over wrongs done to me, the intensity of it, makes it clear that under the same damn snake is coiled inside my own head. So there is no point pointing fingers. I am no better than anyone, and we all have the potential in us to do terrible things. I’m convinced of this. And we all have the potential for intelligence and beauty and love. But best to wrestle my own demons, if any need wrestling with, than someone else’s. I’m just not involving myself in this crap anymore. Oh, I know it will come up. It’s the human condition. But I am not as innocent as my vanity would claim to be, or like to be. Who is, over the age of 21?

So I forgive my transgressors, and pray for all of us to a God I’m not quite convinced exists, but know is a good idea, nevertheless.

a cranky, acerbic, curmudgeon…mad a the world…and I had that awkward feeling. I went over to him, smiled and wished him well, but I wasn’t being very sincere. If he could see into my heart he’d know that I was mad at him for being an unreasonable ass. I’m working on letting it go. Sometimes I’m the one who is the unreasonable ass, and I need the gracious forgiveness of others.

I’ve been praying for him and myself. Praying that God would bless him, and bring the right people and circumstances…and praying for myself that I would just let go of this garbage…so that others who are holding my garbage can also let that go.

I need to make amends where possible. It’s awkward and I suck at it, but I need to try. I’ll start on my knees, but leaving it at prayer is just the coward’s way out.

really need to forgive my mother, and keep on forgiving her, because she made my life a living hell and seems intent on continuing to do so. I don’t see this changing anytime soon – well, it will never change. She will never change, and if I don’t figure out how to forgive her, I will end up hating her guts, which is to say, I will end up just like her. This is how negativity works – how it functions. She is fighting to maintain this negative connection, because she isn’t capable of a positive one – because this would require SHE start forgiving whatever, whoever, she needs to forgive. It’s instructive alright. I have no idea how to rise above this, if its possible, what’s required. I just know that this is dragging me down, and has done so my whole life. I need to forgive my mother, end of story. I can do this, I know it, but it is going to take a lot work, dedication, discipline and commitment. I have no doubt it will completely change who I am – which will probably be a good thing, all in all.

I think I am at the Understanding chapter. Many people would think that if they understand what happened and most important, why, then they automatically forgive. I believe that you first understand things and then accept them and then forgive.
Well, assuming that I’ve already been through the rage and depression and denial chapters :)

Found this referenced in the book Take Me To Truth by Nouk Sanchez. I think this is terrific! It is actually written by Byron Katie and comes from The Work. You can find more at www.thework.com.

The Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet

1. Who angers, confuses or disappoints you and why? What is it about them that you don’t like?

2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?

3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think or feel? What advice could you offer?

4. Do you need anything from them? What d they need t do in order for you to be happy?

5. What do you think of them? Make a list.

6. What is it that you don’t want to experience with that person again?

THE FOUR QUESTIONS

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

THE TURNAROUND

Turn your statements around. For example, “Paul should understand me,” turns around into:

• Paul Shouldn’t understand me. (Isn’t that reality sometimes?)
• I should understand me. (It’s my job, not his.)
• I should understand Paul. (Can I understand that he doesn’t understand me?)

It’s not about blaming. It’s about discovering alternatives that can bring you peace.

I highly recommend reading Take Me To Truth. Will write more in another entry of keeping tracks of the books I’m reading.

Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me. —Anonymous

Forgiveness is not an emotion, it’s a decision.
—Randall Worley

as I pray about letting go of past hurts, I realize that one reason that there is still “steam” in these memories is my own guilt.

I’ve always thought of the emphasis on forgiving yourself as being so much feel good balogna…but I think this is part of the process that I have to go through. Perhaps I’m still mad and afraid because I’m ashamed of my own guilt and I’ve never really admitted it to myself and to God.