to all my followers and friends on here, who have stuck by me even despite my long absence. Even though you are the most amazing, loyal and caring people I know, it surprised me and warmed my heart to see I had not lost one subscriber. I almost have difficulty not crying.
I wanted to assure you all that I was okay. Although I have not been feeling good since, I’d forgotten the severity of my last entry’s emotion. Sometimes it’s worse than that, and sometimes it’s almost alleviated. There is always weight dragging me down though.
I’ve mostly been spending my time away from 43Things working long hours. I actually celebrate my one year tomorrow and was given a pin to wear on my uniform and papers to get on the insurance plan (finally).
I’ve been struggling mostly with personal issues and coming to terms with a lot of things I’ve been burying the past few years. In a way I feel liberated, and like I’m really onto something great, but at the same time I feel like I will be judged and hated no matter what, and I have difficulty being nice to people now because of it.
I feel like I have no goals since I bought my car, which I do love dearly and am so, so proud of. But at the same time I feel completely drained. That goal was the only thing that kept me going for two years, and in a way I just kind of wanted to sleep afterwards. It’s kind of funny that it was so strenuous and draining for two years, and actually buying the car was so easy it was unreal.
I kind of just watch my pay cheques add up in my savings, not touching them and not caring. I have no use for anything at the moment. I should be saving for school, my own apartment or something. But I no longer know who I am, or what I want. I feel devastated and ripped apart, like I’m standing atop a bridge looking down to the waters below, constantly contemplating. Sometimes I don’t understand my thoughts or myself, I don’t know why I feel the way I do. But I know it’s affecting everything I do and how well I do it.
So, with this, I’ve decided to go on a hiatus. I guess I’ve kind of already been on one, but I thought myself a bit of an asshole for not keeping you all updated. I hope everyone is well. I don’t think I’ll be gone for long, and you need not worry because I know how badly these actions can hurt so many people. I want to live, but I just don’t have any energy for goals right now. I want to spend some time alone and figure things out entirely.
DiamondMind. 21 months ago