beat depression

Just got back from the hospital.

I hadn’t hurt myself in a while
But I couldn’t help but try to take my own life for the third time.
You’d think i’d have the fucking hang of it now ;l

Im 18 this yr. For yrs, Ive always had problems with frens. mixing with the wrong crowd, drinking n smoking to finally setting myself straight when i was 16. studied hard, did fairly well for os. then i went on to tertiary education. did plastic surgery twice when i was 17, to correct my potruding ears that have been the source of tease of many for many many years. till today, one ear still slightly potrudes but cant do anymore. or should i say i wouldnt go under the knife ever again. too painful. going on to tertiary education, i met great girlfrens i thought were really true, good friends. turns out that they didnt have the same thinking and are gradually beginning their boycott. gg to sch now is such a torture cos everyone sees u as a clique but to suddenly get boycotted.. its embarrassing, humilating and depressing. you know how ppl always fall aslp thinking of their hurt, wake up and think about it the moment they open their eyes again? i used to think that was just to add spice to the drama but oh boy was i wrong. so wrong. i think about it all the time. how they are talking behind my back, how they called each other out but purposely left me out. how they, one by one appear offline on msn or put busy so when i appear online. it really hurts. “am i that bad a person?”, i ask myself, over and over again. all i can think of really is how i truly thought of them as frens. and then how they think of me behind my back. i cant help it, thinking about all this over and over again. ive always felt that i was strong and smart enough but no. ive turned back to my old ways, drinking and smoking. i know its bad. everytime i take a light i think about my impending cancer end. but smoking and drinking can temporarily ease my pain, make me all fuzzy and not think so much. i really am very desperate for change, i am. i do lots of psychoanalyzing, repeating positive stuff to myself but it still doesnt help. help me, someone please. i want to lead a fruitful life, i wanna make my mom and dad proud of me, i wanna give back to the ppl who have raised me in comfort. i wanna give back to society. get married, have kids. i really hate what i am now.

sad to happy to sad to happy and so it goes on..

Last week I was in hospital for an overdose trying to kill myself and cut about twice on two different days and hardly ate..

and now this week is really good and my weight is staying down and i feel better about myself and I’m eating two meals atleast a day now.. i saw friends and I’m going back to school in a month.

I feel good at the moment.. not to be negative though, but next week it’s just gonna go down again.
It’s an endless roller coaster :[

Beat depression to me isn’t a very specific goal. So I’ll change it to getting off anti-depressants. I don’t know if I can completely “beat” depression. I don’t have some of the symptoms, like insomnia, anymore, but I will always have periods of sadness, which might be a normal part of life. I would like to get off anti-depressants, though, and my doctor says we can start cutting back once I’m settled in at uni.

So about a month or so ago my mother was laid of from Haliburton and we lost our insurance. We were scared that I would no longer be able to go to my therapist and my psychiatrist so we contacted my real dad asking him to put me on his insurance and recently the whole process was completed.
Problems: My therapist, who is the only one I’ve ever gone to and had any real success with, isn’t covered on his insurance. So rather than pay the 70 dollar fee or switch to another person, they are putting me on a capping program that the United Way offers. I’m so relieved by that.
So my mom faxed the insurance card and information to the secretary at my psychiatrist’s office. They’re on the plan, but for some weird reason we would have to pay a $350 deductible. RIDICULOUS. The lady said we would have to pay 101 dollars each trip, plus a 20 dollar copay. My mom just got laid off, no chance in hell we can afford that. So, I made the executive decision to stop going.
I mean I never wanted to stay on anti-depressants long term anyways. And I truly feel like if I continue going to see Carole, I will be okay without the meds. I’m choosing not to let it be a setback. I’ve made so much progress and recently made several more breakthroughs. I know I’m going to be okay.

I think I’m doing well. I haven’t seen my therapist in a few weeks because she’s on vacation and I haven’t been breaking down without her. I have bad anxiety problems and those are easier for me to control now. Although I am having a lot of anxiety about going back to school and starting cosmetology. Frankly, I’m scared. I’m just trying to remain calm and think things though rationally. I’ve been spending a lot of time at home. My friends have all been on vacation this past week so there hasn’t been much for me to do. Also, it’s reaching 105 degrees outside, which is unbearable for me. It’s much easier to stay in the cool air then venture outside. But I have to admit, I’m feeling like I need to get out and do something. I want to go explore or something fun. The time to myself has been great, but I want to do something. Anything.

Lately, my mind has been absolutely spinning with thoughts and activity. It’s like a tornado in my mind. But I don’t have the patience to journal long enough to sort through the thoughts. Which I know I need to work on.

One thing that is constantly in the back of my mind is my cat, Lola. He is really my best friend, as lame as that sounds. I can’t explain the connection, but it’s there. Recently I noticed a lump on his right leg, close to his tail. I’m terrified that it’s a cancer lump. I don’t want to lose him. I would be a mess without him. I’m trying hard not to worry about it, but it’s still on my mind.

That’s another thing that’s gotten better: my stress level. I’m a master worrier, and I’m letting some of those tendencies go. I feel much more relaxed if I’m not worrying all the time.

I’m working on getting unstuck.

I’m stuck. I just don’t know about things anymore.
I know you can plateau at losing weight, but can you plateau at something mental?
I’m trying to figure things out all at once and I beat myself up when I don’t. I haven’t left the house in several days. All I do is sleep and watch TV. I’m not depressed like I was before. I’m just stuck.
I want to get away from it all and take some time for me. But where does a seventeen year old go to get away from life to think?
I wish things were less complicated. But I guess life wouldn’t be as interesting if we got everything handed to us and resolved for us.

i feel so much better now than i did this time a year ago. the antidepressants help SO much. it will be key to see if i can start school again without panic attacks.

i need to stay away from drama, which i hate anyway, and focus on the positive.

hopefully i can ease off the antidepressants within a year.

I’m kicking Depression’s ass, not the other way around.
I journal daily and I’m taking time for myself to figure things out.
I’ve always been a codependent people pleaser who puts others first, but for once in my life I’m focusing on me.
I haven’t been happy for a long time, but I’ve been able to mask it with constant running around and loud music and poor choices in friends. Now, rather than being happy, I want to find contentment. Four months ago, I was at my bottom. I saw no point in getting up and fighting every day. But I don’t want to live like that. I’m finally proactive about my health and well being and I’m doing the necessary things to become well. I’m happy that I’m making these changes at 17, so I don’t have to have a hard life. There are too many beautiful things in the world to miss out on.

Well I went backwards and did the things that made me depressed to begin with. Why did I believe that the person I would give a second chance to would make a change. It didn’t happen, he is still the same no disregards for my feelings. Why me? Is it that seriou? Must it become your agenda to make me feel like a lower than scum? I guess that would I get for believing in you. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I’m so tired of this shit. I just want out the this foolishness. After FAther’s Day I done, I’m sick and tired, I had enough. I just want to be left alone. I plan to start back seeing the therapist.