stop running away

This is the hardest thing I will ever do.

Did it again.

I am trying so hard to make this cycle end.

.......... 2 months ago

Before I would always have my phone off, now I always have my phone on. It’s a start because communicating with others will keep me in the know. It’s also good because I always withdraw from people (and I need to cut that out).

Next stop: actually calling people! 2 months ago

People, problems, events, etc! It’s the only way I know how to cope. I just cover my ears and shut my eyes, like what I’m accustomed to doing. Today I was suppose to go out and but didn’t! I was indecisive of the issue, so I did what I normally do: cover my ears and close my eyes and hope my indecisiveness, the problem, would go away. It resolved itself; I didn’t go, but I wish I wasn’t this terrible. I wish I didn’t run away so much. Life wouldn’t pass me by so much.

Maybe I should learn assertiveness training. Different tactics to cope with life. 2 months ago

I know I do this often, in a less than obvious way to people observing from the outside. But, this is definitely something that I know I do in personal relationships, and probably to some degree when it comes to addressing some of my life challenges.

I think I have been working on this goal without directly working on this goal.

But am I still running away from something, or merely running toward something different?

Reflection required… 3 months ago

Here we go. Reality check. I have had the same job for 3 years. And the entire time there has always been one person who consistently asks me out. I say no every time. Yes, it may seem juvenile and maybe I should finally give the guy a chance but the problem is I just do not like him. Therefore, saying no is the easiest thing in the world.

However, last night he attempted to get into my psyche. Now, this is a frightening adventure for anyone. I know I am messed up, and have plenty of issues that I am learning to deal with. But hey, I don’t like to be reminded of them especially when its a 19 year old who believes that the only reason I keep saying no is because I fear the idea of love.

Now, this is where he is right. According to everyone I know, I have no emotions. Or I have some, but the moment a guy tells me he likes me or attempts to get me to settle down, well I run faster than lightening. It’s not that I don’t have emotions, its just they are terrible. I hate feeling tied down. So, I am admitting it. I have an issue. I refuse to settle down and be in a relationship, I am simply not good at them.

Therein lies the problem. Am I just not good at them or do I refuse to be good at them to save myself?

I don’t know why I bother asking. I know the answer. I’m good at playing it safe, I’m good at being by myself. I’ll admit it gets tiring and every know and then I fancy myself finding a man. However, as of right now the only thing I want is a bowl of ice cream, a book and some music. 4 months ago

I’m running again, but this time not from a specific person but a feeling. I am not a huge fan of emotions, they terrify me completely. Especially the idea of loving someone, well the feeling is creeping up. I have done an amazing job invading this feeling for the past 3 years, but he still has not gone away. Through all our ups and our downs no matter how well I put him off he is always there. We date other people but the fact of it is, we always end up back in this silly game we play. I need to end it, or stop running. Sometimes, you need to be vulnerable. 5 months ago

I have learned that nobody is perfect, we all have faults. I for instance bite my nails when I am thinking too much or if something is really bothering me. I also have this really bad habit of running away from all of my issues and pretending that they are in fact not issues. If I get into a fight with anyone I leave, or pull out a book and act as if it did not just happen. I would rather sit alone and be confused than to face the fact that people will upset you. I need to confront my fears, I need to stop relying on old feelings to make me feel better and in all honesty I need to stop hiding out. 8 months ago