depression

no-one knows what I go through, I go to school each day, I get good grades, do what I’m told and I always smile it’s sickening. My parents or teachers not even my friends know what I deal with. Suicide, depression, incest, molestation, drinking I have problems with trust and releasing my emotions and so many other things. I’ve always been the good girl, I’ve joined every club my schedule allows me to, I’m even my class president. Yet everyday I wake up, it’s like a struggle to get dress and go to school. It’s like lately my heart has just been hurting, I need someone here. But yet, the way I smile and pretend to be happy,you’d never know this is the lowest I’ve been in all my 16yrs.
I hate that I always try and please others, but inside I’m all broken and scarred and confused and I just want it to end. Do you know what it’s like to hurt so bad you just want to rip out your heart and hand it to someone else for a while? that’s how I feel everyday, and I have a hard time just opening up. I know I need help,but I also know my parents. They see me as something they can fix, and I feel like if I let them in just for a minute, they’d try and send me to some therapist or crap. I just need to talk to someone who understands my pain and the tears I’m crying right now.

this is going to take time, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this, I just hurt all the time. It’s just not worth it anymore

I hope things will get better, even if it’s a slow progress.

I’m going through a very tough time. This is a low point in my life.

I’m 24

I study education in Dublin and teach at a secondary school
This is my life

The rest of the time I spend at home

I taught myself how to play guitar
I taught myself how to draw
I taught myself how to sing

This has been my life since I was 15

I have been alone for nearly ten years

I don’t see the point in art anymore
I don’t see the point in going out

I don’t see the point in travelling the world
I don’t see the point in having a girlfriend

My last relationship lasted 2months
We were great together
But she didn’t like the fact that I was a loner

I don’t know what to do
I just don’t see the point in anything anymore

The recession doesn’t help

How will I get a teaching job if they’re making all those cuts?
And now they want to cut our salary?

Ireland is a joke

I just can’t see the worth in anything anymore

Everything seems to be an excuse for living

Nothing matters

Am I alone in these thoughts?

I’ve been here to this message board but this is actually my first entry. I just want to say that depression has been on and off in my life. It usually hits the most hardest when I’m going through extreme low points in my life. As of now, I’ve been dealing with an extreme low point in my life. I’ve been battling it since early August of 2008. There’s many things that will trigger my depression, things like bad memories, stupid choices I’ve made that have come back to haunt me, arrogance, lack of confidence, underappreciated and most recently unemployment. I made the dumb arrogant rookie mistake of quitting my last job in early July 2008 and now it’s been hell trying to look for a new job. I haven’t been working for 6 months and I’m trying to not spend too much money because I’m afraid of being poor. I feel like crying now. I really want 2009 to be the year of change for me. Well, they say that extreme lows are eventually balanced out by extreme highs but I don’t know how long it will take to reach that high. Anyways, whoever is reading this, thanks because it helps to get this weight off my shoulders and chest.

I’ve gone over to beat my depression

The thing I hate about depression is looking in the mirror and seeing someone else who isn’t you and you try everything to get this thing out of your head, but it doesn’t work only when you go to far

The last time I was here was a very long tim ago it feels. I think the last time I was here was over two months ago and so much has happened since then. I have literally had a mental breakdown, broke off my engagement and broke up with JJ. What I was thought was my weaknesses have turned out to be strengths and what were strengths are now my weaknesses. I have been in therapy since the middle of August and am still learning how I can cope and deal with everything. I still feel very much broken but not because of the things that have happened. But because of what is happening. Everything happens for a reason and everything that I have been through is just part of the plan. There are great things in store for me I just have to believe and take one day at a time. What else can any one do but that? There is always hope and there is always light at the end of the tunel. I will see the light when the time is right.

it’s been a solid week of depression, and I feel like garbage. i have walked the razor’s edge of sanity all week. all i do makes it worse.