not be depressed

I’ve been on and off depression since i was 11. It comes together with being suicidal and eating disorders. It feels like therapist and the psychatrist cant help me and everyday its getting worse and every day im hoping more to just die.

somedays i feel to god dam depressed and this affects my weight. really it does some sometime i would starve myself and just eat a bowel of salad and tons of water.

i’ve been having this depression thing since at the age of 14. and i still have it. sometime i just get it because i feel so alone. i’m alone at school, eat lunch alone work alone. and that really gets miserable.

i guess it because i always blame myself for not being perfect or like having the worst grades. BUT that rubbish, i blame myself because i have guilt.

i feel i have so much guilt and that all the blame is from me, coz i feel if i didn’t have made that mistake nothing would go wrong. it started around mid nov, i lost one of my friends language certs- that said congrats on completing this lang course. and she stuff that cert in my locker and i told her to take it back and she said- nah leave it, ok so one day i was clearing my locker and i accident left the certs on top of the locker and she asked her it back. OK she get really mad coz my friend and my other friends who r on her side blame me for not keeping the cert safe in my locker.

Her friend bloody shouted at me if i’m that STUPID. i mean COME ON, i asked her if she wanted her certs back and she said NO. and after that i was left with depression blaming myself if i didn’t lose it, nothing of this happened. i was left alone with no friends, just me and my world.

I am currently 21 years old and I have been depressed since about age 12. I remember when it first started I would just start thinking about all these abstract concepts such as the existence of god, my purpose in life, ect, ect. I found no answers but my depression was furthered by the fact that I was the only person I knew that felt this way. I began to realize that not everybody is capable of thinking of things the way I do.

As time went on, I felt more and more alone. I came to the conclusion that life is really meaningless. I became incredibly impulsive and viewed my actions as inconsequential. I did not value myself or anything.

Finally, I decided to attempt to take hold of my life. I went to a psychiatrist and went on antidepressants. I try to make smarter decisions and be in control of my own life instead of being ruled by circumstance, outside forces, people and such.

I still think way too much though. I dont know what to do. Its really not helpful in any way. I dont even think about anything productive, just contemplate life, and not in a practical way. I still am somewhat impulsive and do things that are harmful to my happiness, goals and self. I am currently awake because im coming down from using way too much cocaine (bad decision.. i always feel like total shit the next day physically and mentally)

can anyone even relate to this?

i just got into a screaming match with my dad, i need to get out of this house. i spend 75% of my time at home in my room because i dont want to interact with them because everytime i do something always goes wrong. i cant talk to them becuase they dont understand anything i say,and they take me for granted, i work so hard at making them proud of me, but im not my little sister im not a basketball star i dont want to be in sports the rest of my life. Everytime i talk to my mom she interrupts adn starts her own conversation, completely ignoring mine. the other day i told her i was getting in the shower, i alwasy tell them so that nobody else will get in any of the other showers because our hot water heater runs out really fast. so i told her and like five minutes into my shower i am washing my hair and the water suddenly gets really really cold so i wash as much soap as i can out of my hair and jump out of the shower it was freezing i walk out to the living room and ask her if anyone else got in the shower and she laughs and says oh your dad got in then she walks to herroom and says haha ashley was in the shower thats why it was cold….... then she wonders why i got irritated with her… i still had soap in my hair and i was cold now. its stuff like this had gets me so mad..

folks,been depressed ten years now,and suicidical for five…and i’m just 20.Used to think i was alone.Felt good to knw thr r others like me n i’m not a weirdo.

I was severely suicidical for quite som years now.Today,i sought help through email.I am willing to do anything to get out of this darkness and learn to love myself.

sometimes all you really have to say to yourself is
“serenity now, serenity now”
like Kramer

this is my new account since i cant seem to get into my old one and not sure why so im just reposting everything ok
my old account was xXThe-Little_FairyXx

im depressed…every moment every day….
i cant seem to stop being sad and soemtimes suicidal
i just cant seem to be truely happy cuzeven if i think im happy in the back of my mind the depressions lurking creeping back and so my happieness last for only a short time…i just want it to stop.i can hide it all i want but people still see through sometimes and it still hurts..it hurts even more to hide..i want to be free
i want to be ok….i want to be ok for just a few mins.truely ok….im so sick of depression.sometimes im depressed and dont even know why.im always pushing my friends even my bf away i hardly tAlk i cry myself to sleep at night i tried drugs but they didnt help and now its hard to not start em again.i tried anorexia maybe thinking it was cuz i didnt feel pretty and this woyuld help but it brought pain and now i cant stp. sometimes i just hold a gun or knife praying it will all be over,......i just want it to end

hahaha have you noticed that we all seem to try to make excuses for why we’re depressed? “oh my life sucks, I was abused as a child, no one loves me” blah blah blah, well, why the hell do we keep focusing on these things? They’re in the past, so why do we keep them in the present? Yeah, my life sucks right now; I’m 17 years old, moved to Kentucky 7 years ago. First the job my abusive, selfish fat lazy bastard of a father dragged us here for ended up going bankrupt, and so where we were once well off, we were suddenly poor. The next two years he remained a jobless lazy slob, hitting my mother and constantly yelling at us, while my mom supported us with two jobs. I’m constantly tormented at school (beaten up, teased, stabbed, stuff stolen, etc.), and all my friends only use me to get stuff. After a serious car accident which left me with muscle damage (still have it), I’m forced to stay back a year at school for missing too many days. Next we’re forced to leave our apartment because of my useless father, AND we’re sued because he continued to live there, then we’re kicked out of our next apartment after they found out the lazy bastard was living there (we only were supposed to have 2 people there). Finally something good happens; after pushing my mother down onto the bed and hitting her, then me being forced to push him back and hold him back from getting to her, while he’s telling me to call the police because he’s going to kill my mom, she finally decides to divorce him. Yay! The only good thing that’s happened in 4 years. After that, me and mom move into grandpa’s house after he dies and leaves the house to us, and his truck. For some reason mom lets the bastard continue to live with us there, but thankfully she finally kicks him out. Now we’re fixing up the house, my moms boss Gina is helping buy stuff to fix it, things are starting to look up, when WHAM my mother has a stroke. We’d been taking a nap, then when we woke up she was talking funny (saying words that made no sense together, though she obviously thought she was talking normally. Saying stuff like “The dog for closet” and blah blah) and she can’t walk well, and I have absolutely no idea what the hell I should do, so I’m hysterical and I run over to my neighbores and call the lazy bastard, and when I get back home moms laying sprawled on the floor bleeding then he comes over and an ambulance comes. Mom had to get like 4 pints of blood and had to stay in the hospital for almost 2 months, while I’m forced to stay with my “father”. After that, I’m terrified to live by myself with her, afraid it might happen again, and I can’t take care of her well enough, so we have to live with him some more. It’s like she’s reverted back to the emotional level of a 2 year old, constantly hitting and yelling if she can’t handle something, and it makes it really hard on me cos I’m the one she always hits and yells at, and I’m trying my best to take care of her but I dont know what to do. Then I’m kicked out of my middle school and forced to attend Liberty “Alternative” High School (with 8th grade middle school program, thankfully only 9 weeks long, so was able to get out quickly). Now we’re still living with tim (mom had her stroke on valentines day, 2005) though we plan on moving back to our house and getting a loan to fix it up soon. I’m a Junior in high school (love alternative school, lets you move up grades quickly) and should be graduating I think around May of next year. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me more than anything, only problem is he lives in Malaysia, but we’re going to be together once I graduate high school. I’ve always wanted to be a Marine Biologist, but I just don’t know how to go about doing it, so kinda depressed that I might not do it, but my other options are English as a second language (ESL) teacher and graphic designer/fashion designer (I have my own website, www.kristalstudio.com and once I get my sewing machine plan on selling clothes). Thing’s still suck a lot, and I still have so many worries (mainly because we’re so poor), but I think my boyfriend is getting to me. He’s like freakishly positive, it’s really weird O_o and he’s a startrek/force/star wars dork…ehm…yeah. haha but yeah, I guess I’m just tired of being depressed. Being depressed won’t change my situation, so why not just enjoy stuff and try to make the best of it? Enough whining, it’s time to move on. Sooo do not want to be like my uncle, who still complains about how his father ruined his life and stuff even after the man has been dead 4 years! I know it’s hard to get out of depression, because the seratonin levels in our brains are fcked up and refuse to let us be happy for too long (yes, seratonin levels are what control how happy/sad we are. When they become too low, we get depressed, and they stay low the longer we let it effect us. Sure, medicine is the easy way out, but why bother with it? Eat some chocolate, get outside more, play freesbie or something.) The only way any of us are gonna be happier is if we force ourselves. No pretending, no excuses for being depressed. Don’t be pitiful. If no one loves you, then love yourself damnit! Find thing’s that make you happy, even if only for a second, and do them constantly. Throw away thoughts like “I’m stupid, fat, ugly, worthless” it’s really not true, people who tell you that are just mean little pathetic retards who hate themselves so much that they need to make other people miserable to cheer themselves up (aka misery loves company). If you aren’t good with people in real life, try chatting on things like Skype, those people are looking for friends just like you. Or join a group, go play dungeons and dragons sometime (people who are considered nerds or dorks, they’re usually the most accepting. They tend to be more understanding *yes I’m stereotyping, but hey, it’s true most of the time). Don’t worry what others think of you, just do what makes you happy. If listening to the same song 500 times in a row and singing along/dancing every time makes you feel better, do it. Like to draw? draw everything. Just do whatever, but dont hide under the covers and sleep, or sit inside the house feeling sad. Not easy, but we all have to try, right?

im depressed…every moment every day….
i cant seem to stop being sad and soemtimes suicidal
i just cant seem to be truely happy cuzeven if i think im happy in the back of my mind the depressions lurking creeping back and so my happieness last for only a short time…i just want it to stop.i can hide it all i want but people still see through sometimes and it still hurts..it hurts even more to hide..i want to be free
i want to be ok….i want to be ok for just a few mins.truely ok….