not be so insecure

I feel like my face is falling apart. And it’s annoying me because I’m so angry right now.

I’m insecure when I don’t know what’s going on. This undermines me because I always like to be in control. I always like to know. I want to be true. I will embrace the mystery, I don’t mind that. But when it hides from me…I fall to pieces. I run after it and say ‘Embrace me!’. But they run. I need to grasp the fact that sometimes, I don’t know everything. That I won’t know everything. That it won’t always turn out okay, but I can survive. I can survive anything that hits me.

But I can’t control people. People are everywhere. They kill me with such a force. With their antics, words, and unnecessary malice.

They are what make me insecure. I’m not like normal people. I know everyone says that just to feel special. But I honestly don’t think I’m like normal people. I don’t act like them, I don’t move like them, I don’t talk like them, I don’t think like them, I don’t feel like them. I have a lot of hoops and ropes jumping in my mind all at the same time. And when I look outside me, I realize that everyone is just falling. They’re just like falling leaves. Or like static stars. They’re all around me but I can’t grasp onto them. I can’t…get them. And that scares me.

That’s what makes me insecure. Because I don’t know whether I’m good enough in their standards.

This is mainly on account of my panic disorder. I tend to shut everyone out, keep every little thing in, and pretend I don’t know or care what’s going about in the world. And sometimes I draw myself in for long, long times. And when I emerge I feel awkward and unsure of everything. Because I know that life and the world will most definitely go on without your prescence. Your prescence does not matter so much, and that can be a blessing or a curse. One can so easily shut themselves in like a closing folder and slip thinly through. Or feel damned on how little their existence accounts to the whole of things in the world. So every time I come out, like a crab coming out of its shell, or an insect breaking through from bark, I feel incredibly insecure. How much has the world progressed? How far am I left behind? How much do I have to do to catch up, again? And I wish I wasn’t like this. I really wish I wasn’t. But I guess that’s why I’m here in this group. I keep shutting myself in, and shutting myself out. And running at the inkling of presumed fear.

I feel so incredibly stupid. I keep thinking there’s this thing that’s incredibly wrong with me. I love my friends, but theses days I keep freaking out that they’re going to stop liking me, or start disincluding me in activities. I’ve been going through a lot these days, I was half-thrown and half-threw myself out of my parents house, I just restarted taking my medication and it’s side-effects aren’t compeltely gone yet, my ex kind of just stomped on my heart and I’m a mess on what to do. All I want to do is stay home and do…nothing. Just read, or watch tv, and sleep. I have so much drama in my head, all I really want to do is get some fucking peace. But, I want this peace forever. I feel like if somebody told me I was going to do nothing for the rest of my life, I would actually be really happy.
But I used to be this crazy girl that was always up for anything, that was so driven to danger it was almost suicidal. And you can just imagine they type of people I hung out with. They’ve been with me through a lot and I’ve known them for so long, but I just keep feeling that they’re going to leave me. I’ve had problems with relationships adn friendships all my life. It would hurt so much if they truly left me. I think they’re already starting to. Like they’re throwing me away becuase I’m boring. I don’t want to call them superficial because they’re all I’ve ever known. But…I just…don’t know what to do.

I’m sick of caring what other people think on me.
I’ll do whatever the hell I want and stop caring about that.

I’ve been dealing with this for seven years now and I wasn’t sure what was going on in me because I took alot of medication. Now I’m off most of it and replacing it with exercise and other stuff but most of the time I find myself loosing tract of which way I should go, from the smallest thing to the littlest thing. Everything gets soo confusing and scary and so I’m afriad to further myself in anything, and pick one thing to work on for a carrier. I guess I have alot of insecurities and still don’t know how to talk myself out of them. Sometimes too I don’t know when I’m being insecure around people and when it turns them away. I’m afriad I’ll never get married at this pace because I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend for longer than a month. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel so socialy insecure most of the time I hate it. I just don’t know where to start.

it’s all about rationalizing everything you do. if you think it’s right, think about the reasons you think it’s right. usually you’ll realize that what you’re doing isn’t weird at all and you don’t need to feel so insecure about it. also, it’s comforting to know that everyone is pretty insecure, so i mean, it’s hard, but just try not to worry about it. there are way more things to be upset about.

This is so incredibly hard * MOAN * !!!!!!!!! Argh i’m about to moan about moaning, how f*cking typical, it’s an endless cycle.. and i’m still doing it. Anyway. I’m in one of those moods where i’m jealous of everyone, it’s easy for me to be jealous of people for various reasons.. well in general it’s easier to just be envious of others than it is to fix my compulsive perfectionism and also partly because i actually have reason to be jealous. Jealousy is shit, it’s a shit emotion, it’s a non-emotion, it’s just a stupid thing that people do to avoid other things. I’m making absolutely no sense but i’m feeling tres confused right now.

I can’t work out whether i’m genuinely insecure or if i’m using it as an excuse to not do certain things. Journeys of self-discovery are so bloody tediously elaborate and LONG, soooo dammmmmn lonnnnnng! ha!

ok so i have this issue with trusting those that i love with their ex wifes or baby mommas. I am not sure I have not figured it out why yet but i just do. This has become a major issue that has broken me and my boyfriend up. He has told me that if i can work on it and prove to him that i am not going to be like this any more then we may be able to work things out. but how can some one please help me. every time i hear that he is going over there to pick his child up and is not back in a certain amount of time then i start thinking that he is messing around with her or some thing is going on. can some one help put some light on this situation????

This is a kind of slowwww process.. i measure myself aganist everyone, it used to mainly just be physically but now i do it about my intelligence too. I have a lot of confidence in my abilities but i lack the confidence to go through with plans, i’m really scared of failing, not because of what other people will think.. actually maybe it is a bit of what other people will think, i kind of feel like there’s so much pressure now that if i finally take a stand and commit to something everyone will be waiting to see if i’m successful or not and although i know it’s not important what other people are thinking of me and that it’s most probably just in my head in the first place, at the same time i can’t help thinking about it.. but mainly it’s because i know what i’m capable of in my head and if i go out, do what i want to do and get knocked back, i’ll start to doubt myself.. HMMM!!!!! I hate that about me, it’s such a weak mentality, i know that it’s not bad to fail, you just pick yourself back up again, it’s fine.. i’ve been like this since i was about 5 (from what i remember), which is quite weird. I got 19/20 in a spelling test once and cried.. my dad laughed at me (for crying about something so silly, not for my mark) i think i was mentally scarred hahaha. oh dear.