learn to be more assertive

I am not exactly a doormat, but I don’t always speak my mind in a good way. I am not a fan of saying whatever I want whenever I want to, but I do wish I could stand up for myself in certain situations better than I do.

It seems that one of the main obstacles in my relationships with other is my inability to assert what I want. And to stick to what I want, even if it’s not what someone else wants.

I feel like life is really teaching me this right now, over and over, but I’m not learning it fast enough to avoid hurting the people around me.

So, for the purpose of benefiting myself, and those around me, and preserving my relationships, I had better figure out how to have more confidence in my instincts and wishes.

Whiny tangent:

It disturbs me how much I am still a slave to childhood experiences. When I was a child I genuinely liked my school teachers, I wanted to impress them, and make them happy. I remember, in 3rd grade, saying hello to another teacher, whose class I was not in, but who i knew because she had been my older brother’s teacher. Unfortunately she was right in the middle of punishing (?) another kid, and when I said hello, she turned her wrath on me. She leaned over and got in my face, and yelled at me not to interrupt her when she was talking to someone else. I don’t remember what she said, but it was something to that effect.
I think she apologized later, but even thinking about it now sort of upsets me. (How old am I? 22? Really? ... Really??)

It seems like, instead of learning something of value, (like not to inherently trust authority figures, just because they’re in a position of authority) I internalized a sense of guilt, that even though I had only good intentions, and hadn’t done anything wrong, I still deserved to be yelled at.

Anyway, that is probably not the only occasion that contributed to my current problems, but it does seem related.