live my life

Limited by fear, limited by money, limited by a lot of things. Always answering to someone else, always in someone’s shadow.

Not anymore, world, not anymore. Gonna live my life.

I forgave those who harmed me. I let go of all grief, and anger, and decided I should start off from scratch. There is nothing worse than hating someone for all the harm they did in the past, it felt so great to forgive and say its ok. I recommend this, if there is anyone you would want to forgive, do it!, it will not only make you feel better, but it will set that person free from guilt, and make you a better person.

Today I saw my ex-husband, and for a minute I hated him, he’s doing good which makes me glad, he’s staying out of my way too, he did a lot of damage in my life, more bad than good. But honestly, I thought to myself, why should I even waste my time hating, its not a good thought, and I promise myself to be happy that Im alive, and I have the chance to redo my life, and yes I am happy, I smile everyday ( I always do) and I promise, I will not let the bad past damage my good present and my promising future. I promise.

And my purpose is to start controlling my own life, because at the end, its not my parents, my friends, or anyone else who is going to live it. Its me. And I am tired of being afraid, and letting so many opportunities slipped because of my fear of what “they” may think…

Today my purpose is to go for it…

for me apart of living life is to get over things and to not regret past mistakes. my new favorite motto is- Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things that we didn’t do that is inconsolable

• fear
• indiscipline
• feelings of inadequacy

I undertake the painstaking task of addressing these issues head-on.

I have been doing more “living” than I used to but there is room for improvement. I have slacked off and procrastinated but I have also achieved some things including gaining some insight into my actions.

Since my imagination is so vivid, I need to put it to good use. I need to replace my not-so-productive daydreams with visualizations of my ideal life.

I have a lot of mental clutter. There are lots of plans and plans to be made floating around in my head. It would be too much to tell myself to stop living inside my head. That has been a part of me from my earliest days.

The compromise- 1 week where I give myself permission to just think and think and think. 3 weeks of doing all the stuff I thought about.

Let’s see if this works now.

I will not be writing any new year’s resolutions for 2009.

The past two years I wrote very detailed plans and didn’t end up achieving most things on those lists. I did, however, succeed in making myself feel like a failure.

I’m not letting myself off the hook for achieving my dreams and goals but I am cutting myself some slack. I spend a lot of time obsessing. I want to spend more time just being and enjoying life as it comes. I want to do instead of merely thinking about doing.

Im finally taking my life out of his hands ♥