stop feeling guilty all the time

I feel guilty. last night I partied and drank too much. I was too loud,I talked stupid stuff and over-all I wsas just a drunk woman…I know I don’t like to be that way but it’s crazy that so many people always want one to be just like that….and with 24, it turns out, I am not to old to feel peer-pressure and give in to it. stupid!

But my point is this, I am actually a pretty serious person. I like to party, dance and have a drink or two, but generally I do not want to loose any control like that.I feel that it is not “the right kind of having fun” when you are too drunk. That’s I guess why I tend to run into problems with my alcohol consumption at parties. It ’s some part of me, the guilt-tripper I guess, that I want to silence. It’s this thought, “oh, come on, just get wasted, you can do it”. It’s my way of trying to do something crazy and to “suppress” my constant critic and all my guilty feelings.
However, this is so not the way!!!! I should loosen up in every day life and feel less “obliged” to do “the right thing”. And I should start with not feeling guilty right now! ok, I was drunk again, I behaved stupid…so what…bad stuff happens to good people…if I didn’t act all grown up that’s ok…lesson learned…
...why don’t I just laugh it of? why can’t I be more relax about it? why do I feel like a failure???

as a very wise 43-member wrote to me, that because of my perfectionism/ extreme criticism I have a problem with really being in the moment. I have noticed this a lot lately. In the last months I have been stressed because of many things. now, I am getting better emotionally but I tend to have so many things on my mind that, although I know I am extremely lucky, I really have to force myself to feel relaxed and in the moment. and often, my worrying is there in the moment with me, like background music…what does this have to do with feeling guilty? well, I think that it has a lot to do with it. I think my stupid inner critic is proud of me because I am always focused! one day, I really should do some counseling about it…until then I do my best to convince my myself that I have a beautiful life right now, and that I do not need to worry all the time in order to keep it that way!!!!I try to level the background worrying down!

I feel guilty…all the time!!! oh man, I know it is not right but it is so hard to allow myself to relax about my goals. I mean there really is no sense in it. all the stuff I am doing I have brought on myself. no one ever forced me to be so damn ambitious! I can limit this the way I want and still be ok. so why, why can’t I let it go???
the ambitious, driven part of me should even counteract this kind of thinking because it is not even productive. it’s even stopping me!
the human mind….it is working weird!!!

I haven’t really done anything to work on that goal yet. the only thing I did was telling myself that feeling guilty and putting myself under too much pressure is stupid and plain crazy. but somehow this feeling is so deeply rooted into my system that I am sitting here tonight and feel guilty. Right at this moment I ought to do at least two different things. I can’t even decide which one is more important so I just feel guilty twice!
I know that that is not how it should be. I know it and so I try to ignore this feeling. but it’s still there….

I feel guilt for everything, things I am not even responsible for. Italian families sling guilt like an ape slings s—-. After 37 years of it, you get used to it. I hate feeling it all the time. I am so cynical and look at everything I do with a fine tooth comb and if my behavior and comments or actions are questionable.POw , guilt sets in. Why can’t I have a light heart? Life is too short to worry all the time.

I still feel the guilt, although I’ve found that getting your ass nailed to the ground is a great form of cosmic retribution. I don’t feel half as guilty as I used to, now I feel more embarassed for my behavior which is only human. Yes, I am human afterall. It’s funny how often I tend to forget the fact. My emotion switch is in the off position most of the time. Well, the mediocre emotions anyhow. The only true emotions are primal; anger and fear. The others are simply figments if you will, just some things we decided to instill in ourselves along the way for better or for worse…usually for the latter. I also feel a little strange after the accident. I have been in car wrecks, but never anything quite like this. This being just me and the pavement. I actually feel sad and I couldn’t say why. I talked to a girl earlier at my store who said she’d been in two bad wrecks last year and afterward she felt odd as well. Vulnerable and violated were the words we came up with, and it is true. I don’t understand why I feel this way, and perhaps I never will, but there it is. Anyhow, enough babble for now, it’s off to some guilt free indulgence:ice packs, cheesy movies (deathrace 2000 here I come), a cozy couch and blanket and a mean cat who missed me today so he may not actually be so mean.

This goal seems to be backtracking. I’m hoping eventually it will dissipate altogether and be merely a bad dream.