find my life partner

i 28 year old still i dont have partnar i am searching i lovely friendly partner

Less than a week ago—no, make that a week ago…..

I was putting pressure on my boyfriend for us to be primary partners.

Now I am realizing I was trying to use a label, a prescribed role, to protect myself from the fear of abandonment. Of course, the real issue here is the fear of abandonment, NOT whatever his behavior is.

Roles do not protect from fear of abandonment. Just ask anyone who’s ever been cheated on. (this is many, many people!!) Or whose partner shows up out of obligation but the love just ain’t there anymore. It’s an ILLUSION of protection, not the real thing.

I have had a week away from W, and in this week I have started to find freedom. Because I was dumping energy into the relationship in a dysfunctional way. Trying to force it to be something that it may or may not be.

My freed-up energy has given me the space and capacity to be open to other possibilities. There is soooo much out there. So many people. W can’t meet all my needs right now. Hell, he can barely meet all of his. So why not let the relationship be whatever it will? Evolve however it evolves? In the meantime, I have found healing in the loving energy of other people. (I do mean loving energy, not sex. I don’t have a problem with sex, but for some reason I keep feeling compelled to clarify that I am really not talking about sex in these entries. That’s because I don’t see a lot of talk about sex going on at 43T. So I’m not thinking this is the right atmosphere for those discussions, which I am not having at this point anyway.)

So now, I believe that I can’t have him as my primary partner. In fact, right now I don’t want a primary partner. Ideologically, I don’t want to rank-order my loves, platonic or otherwise. Pragmatically, if I did designate him as my primary, I think my energy would continue to become too “stuck” on him. Then I’d get caught up right back in that same old cycle again. Which is miserable for both of us, but mainly for me.

Fear of abandonment, like all relational wounding, is created in an interpersonal context. Therefore, it can’t be healed alone; it must be healed in an interpersonal context. I think the way to heal it is to continue my old goal of building a warm, stable, loving community of friends and associates around me. Then I don’t freak out if one person’s needs change and they can’t be in my life in the way that I want them anymore.

Actually, perhaps I can mark this goal as complete; my life partner being me. That is really where it all begins: strong and unhesitating self-love.

And then if a relationship with someone else evolves to where they become my primary (other than me) partner, then so be it!

So, as I think I wrote under another goal of mine, I broke it off with my boyfriend. The timing was lousy: Christmas eve/through midnight to Christmas day, about 2:30 AM. But after sitting alone through my family’s holiday celebration, I just couldn’t contain anymore. Something needed to change.

I had been certain that this would be the best thing for both of us, since he is so much younger than I and has a need to explore, test his limits, find out about himself through his sexuality. I see him as needing to be unfettered by anyone or anything at this time; and his sporadic availability (especially emotional) has been excruciating to me.

But some things he said made me re-think my decision. I learned that he also needs stability, an anchor. I knew this, but I hadn’t been aware of the extent. Also, we are amazingly compatible in a large number of ways; and considering how quirky and unusual we both are, this is not easy to find.

So now we are both intensely thinking about our needs and where we each want to go with our lives. The questions are: Can he be more steadily emotionally available and work a little closer with me? Or is he truly in a developmental period where he needs to ultimately only be responsible to himself?

Can I continue to anchor him and get my needs met? Will he be capable of being the partner I want and need, right now?

Since neither of us subscribe to the traditional, boxed-in definitions of relationships, everything is fluid and negotiable. We care about our happiness and compatibility, not whether we are fitting into traditional roles and norms.

In any case, I am positive we will be close friends forever. Even if I need a healing period away from him for a little while.

He’s truly an amazing person in many respects. I broke up with him, and he respected this; but he said, “I’m around, and I’m available for negotiation.” So less than 24 hours later, I’m having a meltdown and re-examining my values, my wants and needs; and he’s available by phone and email (he’s out of town on business) to help me sort through it and carefully consider his own wants and needs. Instead of just saying, “You dumped me so I’m putting the wall up; go f-ck yourself.” This is one of the many reasons I truly believe he is a special person.

It remains to be seen whether he’s the special person for me, though…

I’m right on the border, debating between “This really sucks” and “I’m really all right with this.”

I had another emotional tailspin last night and today.
It’s the holiday season. I’ve never been so vulnerable to this before. But here I am. Anyway, this person I’ve been calling boyfriend, didn’t accompany me to my family gathering today.

To be completely fair, I hadn’t told him how much it would mean to me. Why? Because I didn’t really know; on some level, I wasn’t being entirely honest with myself about it. Thus I wasn’t able to be honest with him. This sure hit me hard later, though. I had told him I’d like it if he came; but then I told him something that at the time, I believed: that it didn’t matter so much, that what I really wanted from him was some discrete time set aside for me, not squeezed between other obligations.

Well, I had some of that Thursday night. That time I spent with him left me both oddly satisfied and also at the same time, realizing just how many limitations this guy has right now. He can’t be a real partner to me. Which opens up the mourning because I am perceiving a void in my life that hadn’t been so apparent previously.

But with my family…well, that’s a whole ‘nother story. They’re very traditional. Unlike me. In short, I can only imagine what it would be like if I told them that I am separating from my boyfriend because he feels a personal, developmental need to go play with boys, in a manner that has a strong potential to be unsafe to my physical and emotional health, if I were to stay with him. I might tell them someday. But for the moment, it’s too raw to even tell them that I’m basically breaking up.

So at my family gathering, it was three couples(dad-stepmom, brother & his wife, and stepbro and his wife), and me. That really sucked. But your family’s supposed to be the place you can go, when you’re all beat up inside like this, and it will be a safe place and they’ll take you in and nurture you. I don’t feel that with my family. I just don’t. My dad is totally judgmental about my relationships. THAT is a whole ‘nother story. One of my good friends summed it up like this: She told me, “When your relationships aren’t working, you get out of them. Your family marries their nonfunctional relationships!” Which is true, and not true, but there’s at least an element of truth to it. In any case, I know that my dad believes that marriage = success and he judges me for not having had a steady relationship (before this one) for more than a year at a time. Which I think is BS but when I’m down like this the little girl inside of me is much more vulnerable to my dad’s judgments.

So I was sitting there dying inside, mourning the disappearance of my “real” relationship, some of which was real and some of which was an illusion all along. In either case, there’s a gap there, a hole in my life that is aching to be filled.

Thank God my friends have been there for me. I called them and they were there and they just let me talk about my feelings. Right now, I’m in the coffee house, and my best friend is at my side. He’s been great. My mom (the one member of my family who “gets” me) has been great. My brother and I are not on speaking terms, following his freaking out and verbally attacking me after his wedding, but that’s another story.

So while I was sitting here surrounded by the good companionship, I realized:

If W (the guy who’s been my boyfriend) is out on the town tonight looking for hot guys, instead of spending it with me, that’s fine. AND: That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. That’s just where he’s at. Thanks to my friends, I have people to be with (who “get” me). I have a place to go. So it’s Saturday night and I don’t have any hot, exciting dates. So what. It doesn’t mean I’m defective. (Old childhood abandonment logic.)

I’m distracted now so I’m likely to come back and edit this later. (I’m in a coffee house with my friend.) But I think I need to put together a little mental list to go back to when I get weak in the knees.

For example:

• My primary task, now and when I’m in a relationship, is to connect with myself.

• I can manifest what I need by remaining positive. Whether or not you believe in metaphysics, which I do, there’s another mechanism at work: Happy, confident people attract people. Moping, sad, tense people do not. (at least, not the right kind of people!)

• By focusing on some of my goals here at 43T I will feel MUCH better. I always feel better when I complete some of these goals, such as my “clean my desk” goal. That one felt GREAT!

....for a difficult fit like me.

Here are all the factors, learned one way or another, sometimes painfully, over a few decades of dating experience.

I don’t intuitively “get” this first part, but here’s what I’m told, repeatedly over my lifetime, by many of my close friends:

Since I’m an intelligent, independent woman, physically and emotionally strong, I tend to intimidate many guys. I’m tempted to write I wish that weren’t the case. But I guess that’s not really true; I don’t want someone who’d be intimidated by my strength. To me that indicates control and insecurity issues. Actually, I need someone who’s strong who can rein me in when I need it! (and vice-versa)

I’m vegan. I can date someone who’s not vegan. I have done so many times. It’s an issue, though. These are my thoughts and innermost feelings, and are not meant to offend anyone. But I have trouble putting my mouth near that of anyone who’s been, basically, eating corpses. the stuff rots inside you and I can often smell on someone’s breath when it’s rotting in their system. Also, I see animals as pretty much equivalent to little babies. It hurts to see people eat them. I can numb that out, to a degree; but our intimate partners are the ones we want to feel safest with. And most uninhibited. I’m saying all this without wanting to project my values onto any of my faithful (or casual) readers; it’s a compatibility issue for me.

I need someone who thinks outside the box. I don’t do well with conventional types. I soundly reject the societal programming that things must progress in a certain way in order to be valid: marriage, buy a house together, have children. To me, that feels like a ball and chain; perhaps multiple balls & chains. I want the relationship to develop however it will. However it naturally evolves.

I have many emotionally intimate friends who are my lifeline. They have to remain a part of my life. I’ve been asked to cut off a 12-year friendship before for a partner’s insecurity, which ultimately proved completely delusional. (as in, My best friend and I stopped dating 8 or 9 years ago for reasons completely unrelated to you; so why would we suddenly start dating again now that I am dating you?) Anyway, guess who got the boot in the end? It wasn’t my best friend.

I have certain passions I’d like to share with a partner: endurance athletics, environment, coffee, natural health (I know, that’s kind of a contradiction). And Burning Man.

And a guy must be intelligent and well-spoken, standing solidly on his own two feet within his own life, in order to hold my interest. Quirky (like me) works best.

And they have to be in some sort of decent physical shape or at least actually moving in that direction. I spend a lot of time taking care of myself. Being with someone who doesn’t is a huge turn-off. Although my standards of “hottie” match convention in some ways, and are very unconventional in other ways, there has to be some chemistry.

See what I mean when I say I’m picky? I’ve tried and tried to be less picky. You can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone. It just doesn’t work.

Still, I’ve had many relationships where I am attracted to them. Passionately and very much so, indeed. I wish my criteria weren’t so stringent; but the good news is, there are indeed many people out there who are, as they say, “good enough”.

I think I just need to expand my social horizons. It’s difficult, in one’s late 30’s. Seems everyone is tied down to a family, a career. Well, not everyone.

So here is my plan. The plan can’t “fail” because even if I don’t meet a life partner out of it, I will undoubtedly make some good friends!

• Join some local running clubs.
• Go to the local speed skating workout more regularly. Go to coffee with them afterwards if possible.
• Take yoga class (which I need to do for another goal anyway).
• Keep going to local Burning Man parties.
• What else? I had some good ideas earlier; but now I’m getting tired.
• Of course, continue to stay true to MYSELF, to the woman I am, and am becoming (self-actualizing). Manifest a great energy and I will attract the same.

Still, I had some more concrete, literal things I could do to increase my circulation. I will have to sleep on those; it is getting late and I must get up early (for me, anyway) tomorrow.

So it’s the holidays and it’s ridiculously cold and it’s dark, bloody, relentlessly dark very early.

Perfect nights to spend with a special someone.

That is, if I had one.

Until earlier this month, I did have a special someone. I guess I still do, but he realized he needs to do some exploring, dating-wise and especially sexually. So we transitioned from primary partners to boyfriend and girlfriend (with small “b” and “g”, meaning not each other’s be-all and end-all; but still having a special, honored connection more meaningful than “just dating”.) I completely understand where he’s at and why he’s there. He’s much younger than I; and I know what my early explorations meant to me.

He called me this evening when he was in transit from point A to point B. I hadn’t seen or heard from him in three days. I had been OK, I had everything pretty much walled off. But he called, checked in with me in his usual bouncy, excited manner (“I went here and did this and did that and saw him and saw her and…” etc.) and then he had to go.

“Wait a minute!” I said, realizing all sorts of feelings were being stirred up. So I asked him to call me back later, and he did.

I dropped into a deep mourning for all that we’d lost: our day to day intimacy is still quite good, but it is less frequent and intense. He isn’t a full-time partner to me anymore. Because of his need to explore, particularly with guys, we have no sexual intimacy right now. (We are not going to, either, until I am convinced it is safe; and I’m a hard sell on these issues.) These are losses. They also clear the way for me to hook up with someone who’s a better fit to my needs. But I have to go through a mourning process; and there is no way out but through.

When he called back, we talked lightly for a while, but then we got into this “stuff”. I was able to tell him pretty much everything I’ve been feeling.

Thank God, God bless him, he was wonderful. He didn’t try to avoid it, or shut down emotionally because my feelings made him uncomfortable. He was warm, open, validating. He said he’s been mourning the loss of our closeness, too.

I was able to communicate what I need from him: Not very much; since I’ve cut through all of my (our?) denial about where he’s at, and what he can and can’t give me right now. I “get it”. But when we do spend time together, I need him to set aside some actual time for me, not squeeze me in between other schedule items. I need him to be fully present when he’s with me. And if he’s messing around with someone else, I might not be able to hear about it right now.

The times we’ve been together recently have been very good. He’s been on time, fully present, very warm and loving. We wrestled on the floor last time and had a lot of fun. He and I both tend to be too serious, and we need that playfulness.

I don’t know whether or not I currently self-define as polyamorous anymore, but I do reallly like many of the tenets of polyamory: That people come together out of genuine desire to do so, not out of obligation. That just because one person can’t fulfill all your needs doesn’t mean you just throw away the entire relationship. And the radical honesty paradigm of communication. He’s one of the very few people I know who embrace this—and I just love it.

Anyway, I harbor no illusions of being a full partner of his any time soon. But at least now I feel supported and valued. Not abandoned. That’s really important to me.

I have some more thoughts about how to go about finding someone I mesh with; but that seems like a seperate topic and so likely a seperate entry.

It’s the holiday season. It’s bitchin’ cold where I live (by our standards, anyway). Sucky time to feel alone.

I have a 15-month relationship with a boyfriend, but we both have recently come to face the fact that at this point in his life, he is not able to sustain the demands of a primary partnership. We’ve been defining as polyamorous. I’m still open to that, but am veering away from that label, per se, as I tend to do from all labels. Anyway, he’s basically a dear friend whom I’m dating. We still love each other. I also know I can’t count on him for much, due to factors in his life. On a moment to moment basis, I don’t feel tortured or pulled inside as I used to when I was trying to extract emotional supplies from him that he wasn’t able to give.

Anyway,it’s clear: This is not life partner material. I’ve had a growing hunch I simply caught him five to ten years too early; and he’s gonna be AMAZING once he matures into himself. Perhaps we’ll stay connected and we’ll be life partners later, when he’s ready. Perhaps not. I certainly don’t intend to wait that long.

For me, this is what I mean by life partner>

A man (I am by far most strongly attracted to men, fluid sexuality notwithstanding) who is my primary boyfriend. We may or may not have other lovers, seperately or shared, occasional or ongoing. But in any case, he would be my primary and I his. And the inclusion of any other partners would be negotiated in such a mutual, supportive manner so that the emotional safety of each of us, was primary. Our lives would blend together in some fashion that was neither too stifling (for either of us) nor (as I feel now) too loose. Someone who “gets” me, and I him. (I’m not always easy to “get”, since I’m complex; but I’m pretty straightforward and a good communicator, so it’s by no means an impossible task.) Someone who shares at least some of my passions: endurance athletics, environmentalism, interpersonal communication, veganism. Someone who can stand on his own two feet but is not afraid to intertwine his own life and emotions with mine.

Currently, I don’t have this.

I guess the sadness I’m feeling now was set off by an Internet date I had this afternoon. The guy shares a lot of my views: loves animals, environment, claims to be mostly vegan, claims to be somewhat active physically, writes and speaks/communicates beautifully. Definitely a quirky, out of the box, intelligent fellow: just my type. The photos indicated he was not conventionally good looking, but seemed to be within the realm of quirky-acceptable: I can be really attracted to certain people because of their spirit, because of that intangible something about them.

I started to get freaked out last night when he wanted to talk about sex. I kept deflecting. Finally he asked me what my favorite sexual position was. I found that very inappropriate for someone I hadn’t even met yet. I have no problem discussing sex, even frankly and in great detail. But such things are sacred to me. They are truly sacred. I save that for people I love and trust. Even nonsexual friends (the discussion part, that is; and I don’t disclose specific “we did this” details to platonic friends, either).

That and a few other clues led me to sense that this new guy was getting stuck on me too quickly. He felt nervous about meeting me; it was amazing that we found each other; etc. He had good boundaries, but I was concerned about the underlying dynamics.

When I met him (I’m going to be direct here, at the risk of being un-PC), I was not impressed with the way he looked physically. I felt no sexual chemistry, indeed some repulsion. Yes, I have high standards, but my high standards are not necessarily the conventional standards. In any case, he doesn’t meet any of them. Since he’s been kind of a loner, and not well understood by many, I sensed I could quickly become extremely important to him. I sensed the possibility of a strong imbalance. I also sensed a number of rigidities in his personality—NOT that I don’t have some of my own, mind you.

The whole picture didn’t add up, and I wanted to get out of there SO badly.

To make a long story short, a good friend (the same one the Universe always sends to rescue me!) showed up, out of the blue, and the guy eventually excused himself. The guy called me just now. We talked about my reaction, and he was cool; I think we can end up being friends, quite likely.

But anyway. This left me sad. It’s frickin’ cold out. I have no cuddle buddies. (That’s not entirely true. BF and I spend about one night a week together, nonsexually at this point for reasons relating to him, and I’m OK with that.) I have few cuddle buddies for the cold wintery nights. I have another guy I am kinda sorta seeing (also nonsexual, again for reasons related to him, mostly). He’s a good cuddle buddy but he’s rarely available. He has a primary partner.

So I have zero real prospects, here.

I am also bummed about the prospect of New Year’s with no one to go out with, or smooch at the stroke of midnight. This really sucks. BF isn’t accompanying me to my family Christmas celebration (which is very secular) so I’ll be the only single one there.

But then: I was reading a book the past few nights by this woman who’d lost about 150 lbs. She told of going to meet a dear friend (who she was long enamored of) and his ex, which sparked feelings of insecurity and fear. This was during the time of her tremendous weight loss. Then she realized that all she had to do was stay true to the woman she was becoming, the emotional recovery as well as the physical, and she would be fine. And she was!

This really rings true for me, too. I know that all I have to do is center within myself, be self-anchored within, and focus on becoming the very best me I can be. The rest will fall into place.

I also know that it’s winter, people are busy because of the holidays and they don’t want to move or do much outside of their nice warm houses. So people will be more available, and I will feel less alone, as the planet (our hemisphere, anyway) swings towards springtime.

So I suppose I should pull within, concentrate on getting my business stuff done, and continue growing as I have been recently. I should also be a beacon: practicing pronoia, as I think someone on this site has written. I think they posted a quote today about knowing that what is needed, is on its way. Energetically, I can be a beacon for what I want.

And so I will.