Learn from my broken heart

I know I won’t marry the wrong person. And I know I won’t divorce the right person.

My grandmother’s brother. I haven’t really been around him very often in my entire life, but for some reason I just adore him. Yesterday, while listening to him talk, I realized why I said no when Doug asked me to marry him. You see, I could imagine being with Doug for the rest of my life, but I couldn’t imagine marrying him. Which, at first glance looks like I’m afraid of commitment, right? But I can imagine being married, so that’s not it. Anyway… the reason I can’t imagine marrying Doug is because I know he doesn’t feel strongly enough that marriage is forever. He’s already been divorced once, and I just don’t get the “divorce is not an option” vibe from him. So anyway, that was a big deal to finally understand my “no”.

My ex from way back (think teenager) found out that I was single and is now suddenly begging (literally) to hang out with me. And he has a girlfriend… who he blew off in hopes that I would come boating with him on Saturday. The whole reason why I broke up with him back then was because he cheated on me! WTF!? shakes head What a repulsive worm. The lesson from him (which was learned long ago, anyway) is that it’s good to be a trusting person, but not to the point that you’re blind to the signs that someone is untrustworthy. Oh, and the reason why people cheat is because they don’t think highly enough of themselves and need even more outside approval. And that people who seem to have big egos actually think very little of themselves and are overcompensating with hopes that no one else will see in them what they see in themselves.

about how his and my background produced our strengths and weaknesses and why we are both drawn to each other and are bothered by our differences. I’m reading a book about boundaries and how people learn to form them and what can go wrong in that process, and what causes people to choose to invade another’s space or allow invasions of their own boundaries. And how we both do both things, but with opposite situations. It’s kind of bizarre to suddenly realize exactly what makes the people around me act the way they do.

a checklist of sorts I guess

I have a feeling that it will take me a while to get this list complete… or near completion

and that I may be hurt again

but that’s OK

The fun and the good times of getting to know someone new in a romantic way are well worth it, IMHO

could be your inner self alerting you to pay attention to something

I guess that recognizing this about someone I could never think of this way is another step towards the “get over” process.

But it still stinks big time.

For the 3rd time since she moved out she contacted me.
And again, nothing in her conversation included “How are you doing?”. It was again “Can you help me with this?”

How in the world could I have loved someone so deeply that is so uncaring? I guess this is another one of those live and learn lesson of life.

That is the question on my mind lately.

Although I am no where near ready to get involved with someone at this point.

And I know that nothing ventured… nothing gained.

Do I want to put myself out there and take a chance that I may feel this kind of pain again?

I guess time will tell.

She called me yesterday looking for my help.
I didn’t even hesitate… should I have?
Should I do more? Like tell her her family where she’s at now?
Is she playing me?

I need feedback from you, although I know that without knowing the individuals thoroughly this may be impossible. I consider myself to be fairly objective at disclosing facts… and disclosure is difficult.

A quick history of the relationship can be viewed here. Irene was my third love and the breakup we went through nearly 3 months ago actually brought me (somehow) to this site.

Break from digression below —-—

I was thoroughly heads over heels in love with this woman, although the entire 4+ years of the relationship she never trusted me… I just kept hoping that she would and we could come full circle.

More disclosure: within a year of us being together, she had a mental break down. Hey, I figured everyone’s entitled, after all, I nearly had one myself a couple of times during my lifetime.

On the advice of her physician she was admitted to a mental health facility and stayed there for 2 weeks.
It was hard admitting to everyone I knew that my lover was in the nut house, but I did it. I did not hide it and I supported her the whole way.

Anyways, now, 3 years later, after nearly 3 months apart, living our own lives, (well surviving and adjusting is more like it, from my end) she calls me up early this Saturday a.m. to let me know that she’s in a “safe place now” and if I could help her.

She’d like me to go to pick up her keys from the facility she checked herself into the night before and pick up her keys to go to her new home and pick up her meds and clothes for her indefinite stay at the center.

I said I would because I still love her… I even called her “honey”, it just slipped out.

At the facility (I saw her for a couple of minutes while the nurse went into the storage area to get her personal effects: keys) she acted as though she was all drugged up, staggering and “out of it”.... which really didn’t make sense. Later on when I thought about it… she said that the center wasn’t given her drugs, which was why I needed to pick up her Risperdol and thyroid meds for her. (that’s probably my answer, I guess)

I’ll admit that while I was picking up her stuff I snooped around a bit and I found receipts for a concert the night before and a cruise trip for next January in Key West… (more disclosure) I feel bad that I snooped, but I just couldn’t help myself. And yeah I felt awful, she planning a pleasure trip and I’m just trying to stay afloat. (I’m also planning a trip home with a couple of friends that we had planned before Irene and I broke up)

But what’s got me wondering is WHY did she call ME?
I’m still in love with her but I can’t live that way again.

I know this is probably not enough information to enable anyone to give out informed comments, but can you anyways?

Please, please, please?

The digression started here —-
Although a very quiet and reserved person by nature, I have chosen to be open here on 43things and much to my amazement this has been therapeutic… go figure!

I guess this whole thing has made me realize that I am in control of my life and that I and I alone decide my destiny. This is a HUGE step for me because I used to live my life by what I THOUGHT others thought. It was nice to learn that I wasn’t the only one doing this.

Anyways I digress. I’m inserting my actual question way up above, before this rambling, because I do actually want lots of responses… hopefully I’ll get them.

I couldn’t say no. She called in a paranoid frenzy about thinking that she may be losing her job. When I asked her what specifically was wrong she said she couldn’t say over the phone.
I reluctantly agreed to let her come over, warning her that I had to leave in less than an hour.

Her paranoia is way up there; her email at work is not working correctly, she comes home and her email at home is not working.

Because she works for a company connected with the government, she automatically assumes that WORK is watching her.
She wanted me to either go over her house and fix her computer or COULD she use mine to look for another job?

I felt bad for her. Tried to convince her that Work Email and Home Email, both not working, were not connected. I advised her to call a mutual acquaintenance to come over and help her get puter back online. And to call her Dad and talk to him. But that I couldn’t help her.

I was strong and I lived through it. She was in our home and I didn’t break down. By the time my friends arrived for a quick bite before bowling, she was gone. I was still revved up and shaking, but I didn’t cave in. My friend made me a stiff drink and I was able to calm down.

I was pretty amazed that it wasn’t as bad as I had thought seeing her again would be.

I do miss her less. There’s still an empty space in my heart. But I’m glad I’m not living with her paranoia anymore.

Maybe my friends and the books I’ve been reading are right; it will get better with time.