i started cutting years ago.im not proud of it nor the scars left behind.my friend whos like a brother(and we call eachoher brother and sister) tries to help me stop but i dont.most people around me i hide it from cuz they dont uderstand.its an addiction as much as any drug and ive foubnd as time goes by i do it more and more sometimes without much reason just habit.its even put me in the hospital before.right now im trying to recover from anorexia and quit drugs while living with an uncle who hurts me…i have several mental issues and im 14…..its gotten to the point i cut everyday and the worse my day was the more and deeper i cut.i would be dead right now but my brother always stops me…im trying to fix myself somewhat for him and my boyfriend.i dont care bout me.im worthles useless stupid and unwanted.wether i hurt or harm myself or kill myself or die doesnt matter.im not doing it for me im doing it for my bf and brother truth is ive told myself i can start eating stop drugs and stop self gharm whenever i wanted…i just didnt want to..but i knew inside the real reason is im afraid.im afraid to let go afraid to eat afraid to leave the drugs behind and stop hurting myself.im afraid to try…im afraid i cant even live one day eating and without drugs or cutting….when it came right down to it..i found i couldnt just stop when i wanted…i wasnt in control…now i want to be back in control..im scared..but i dont like hurting my f and brother….
How to quit cutting myself
How I did it: It's never really ever finished because it's a day to day struggle. Every day, when times get hard, you have to stop yourself. Even so, I don't think trying to quit cold turkey is ever easy. Whether you're trying to put down the razor or the lighter, sometimes its easy to compromise and say, "Oh, this [paper clip/butter knife/mechanical pencil] isn't the same." But try. That's all I can say. Take it one hour at a time.
People doing this are also doing these things:
Entries
i have been cutting my slef for atlest a year now and it hurts my friends to see my skin bleeding i used to do it in class and i used to go to other ppls houses and we would have a cutting party and it was so hard to watch the others but when i did it …it hurt but then it felt good like the pain had been cut away and taken out of my system but rlly it didnt go away it just became this big monster that i couldnt control. i hate it but cant stop! any help out there for me?
Hi Yall,
Most people who dont cut, dont understand at all.. although they say they understand.. No One Truely does unless they’ve been there. Its like someone close to you dying.. someone cant say they understand unless someone close to them has died as well. I’ve cried for so many years wanting to know why I do such a horrible thing and chop my wrists up over and over to watch them bleed.. The answer is simple.. I saw no other way and cutting was what worked for me. I learned to cut after I was molested and my parents put me in a RTC (Residential Treatment Center.) I was only 15 yrs old and it was a locked facility, almost like jail. I had no one and I felt I had been abandoned for telling the truth, nothing more, nothing less. Since the day I was committed into the hospital, my life has never been the same nor will it ever. For the first time in my life, I saw things I never wanted to see again that scared me senseless, that made me who I am. I saw a bathroom full of blood, running down the walls with writing in blood everywhere. I saw the thick clots of blood all over the floor and she died. She cut her wrist with a plastic fork. I saw girls cutting themselves all the time and having to be taken to the nurse to have stitches and then getting locked in the cold dark room for hours when you come back as if the cutters were doing something wrong. I got out of the hospital around a year later after my dad came to visit me and said that the family was moving. He said if I ever said that he molested me again he’d take my mom and brother far away and Id never see them again. He said otherwise I could stay in the hospital until I was 18yo when I could sign myself out as an adult! He never touched me again but thats where it all started. They say 95% of cutters are women who have been molested..Hmmm I started cutting when I left that hospital and it just really worked for me. I would get into these panics and I would be crying hysterically and I just didnt feel alive.. The only thing that made me feel alive was to cut and see the blood running down my arms and thats when I felt alive and relieved and calm. I felt I could rationalize better. I would cut everywhere so nobody could see.. the back of my neck and side, my inner thighs, my upper arms and my lower arms. To me, there is nothing like the pain on my wrist.. I never felt acomplished if it was somewhere else. But when it was over, the problems I was having, didnt seem that bad but they were still going to be there.. It just was never worth cutting for, it just consumed me for many years.
I was a model for about 10yrs and I chose to stop when I had my gorgeous son who is now 4 yrs old. I had to cover my wrists with makeup for photo shoots so many times from fresh cuts and I have always been more self conscious about where I go because Im constantly having to hide my wrists. Its also built up a lot of anxiety as well as being anti social. These are all new things to me because I use to be the life of the party, cheerleader, model, outgoing and fun! None of those things make you happy if you arent happy inside. Screw being a model and making a bunch of money.. in the end you’re stuck with you for the rest of your life and its up to you whether you want help or you want to live the life of being damaged forever. When its all said and done.. when all the cutting is over with.. thats when you truely feel the pain.. the pain of the cutting and the pain inside.. its only when we cut we make ourselves think we feel better bc thats all we know how to do to fight the demons of this awful disease. Its not going to be easy for me or for you but I just had a life changing experience and I need to find other alternatives instead of cutting because I need to be alive for my son and those who really do love me and everything I am and everything I stand for. When I cut, I would get the razor of my shavers and I would cut to bleed not cut to have to get stitches although theres been a few times I cut a little too deep but nothing I would have died over. A couple weeks ago I was really just having a hudred thoughts a minute and I just picked up the shaver, maneuvered the blade off with a tweezers and unlike other times.. I didnt look, I just went.. slash, slash, slash, slash! I needed someone to talk to and I didnt feel anyone would understand cutting bc Ive hid it from so many people although I know theyve seen my wrists. I thought people would say I was crazy, which some will but dont listen to them.. they have their own problems which are probably much bigger than cutting. Anyways, I looked briefly at my arm but before I could see what I did, my boyfriend walked through the door and he picked up my arm and he said, “OMG, Weve got to go to the hospital now!” I was getting scared at that point because I didnt want my son to be taken from me, although he wasnt home.. he was with his grandparents, I was still scared that they would think I was trying to kill myself. My bf said I needed stitches and I asked him if he could stitch it up. He said there was no way. He wrapped my arm in a towel and told me to get into the car. I was getting really scared although I was still not having any pain. We got to the hospital and they were looking at my arm. They had gauze on it to cover it bc I told them i didnt want to see it. Well, I looked over and they had taken the gauze off and I freaked out. My arm was wide open, from top to bottom. I quickly looked the other way in terror of what ive done. I was told that you could see all the tendons, muscles and veins sticking out but I didnt want to look that closely. They came in and numbed me with about 20 needles and came back a while later after the surgeon got there to stitch my arm up. I needed 32 stitches, 28 outside and 4 inside to stitch up my muscle.I was then escorted early in the morning to the mental hospital by the police..”Mandatory”.. They saw all my scars and realized I wasnt trying to kill myself, I was a CUTTER! They released me with medication and therapy and all is going great so far. I havent thought of cutting once although its overwhelming to think of what Im going to do next time.. Im just going to take it one minute at a time and go to therapy and take my meds and everything will fall into place. I could have been dead so wuick if I cut the right vein or waited long enough, Im happy to be alive and my point has come. That was rock bottom for me after 15 years of cutting so I will find other ways without cutting, Im very strong and I realize this now. I have a lot of life in front of me and never say never but its about coping and realizing people who have a much harder life that us and everyone goes through the same stuff as us even much worse. They make it through and so can we because we are no different as a person.. its just what we knew and it was our support. I met a wonderful man who is in my life now and hes very supportive. Besides my son, hes the love of my life and hes opened my eyes to a brighter future without cutting and I need support like him in my life and if anyone needs to talk.. I can be your support any time.. thanks for listening!
Ciao,
Kaylianna
I promised her I would never do it again. It’s been four months since the last time I cut. I’m about to break. I don’t know how much longer this will hold. I don’t want to quit, but I promised.
hey to everyone reading this – I just wanted to say that if anyone ever wanted to talk about this sort of thing, just send me an email – pioneer.dreaming@gmail.com
Im 15 and havent cut for a little more than a year now :) Ive been hospitilized for it and i would love to atleast be of some help – be it encouragement, or anything else I can do.
Merry Christmas!
- lauren
