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find my way back to happiness

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medvarle 3 years ago


reachbrendaRealities

So the reality is that I have learned to face hard facts, accept them, and try to live with them and still find happiness. The facts just are: 1) no one cares about me like I want them to care about me 2) my life is not nearly as bad as other people’s and I am genuinely grateful 3) just because ugly people are related to me doesn’t mean I have to drag them around in my life and 4) just because I grew up in a religion, doesn’t mean I have to keep following it

On the plus side, I do have a good job that pays well, a nice place to live and financial freedom, I do have a purpose in my day, I do have hope for my situation in the future, I do have opportunities to travel that others don’t, I do have an education that no one can take away, I do have compassion.

I think maybe my expectations for HOW happy I am have gone down. I think being grateful for what you have at the moment is key to just generally feeling happy (although maybe I’ll never experience a truly overjoyed moment). 5 months ago


reachbrendaI see slow improvements

Trying to balance this out across my life, not just at work. 13 months ago


reachbrendaAfter Egypt

I am incredibly, involuntarily happy at this moment! 22 months ago


reachbrendaGuess I have to comment now

Since I just made major progress on two of my goals, I guess I have to say I feel like I might be coming out of this crisis of unhappiness! I feel this foreign feeling slipping over my shoulders like a warm blanket,is it happiness? God I hope it stays for a while! 2 years ago


reachbrendaI used to say: you can laugh about life or cry about it

When did I stop laughing about it? Laughing at myself? I think I need to do this a little more. 2 years ago


reachbrendaFitzgerald

For what it’s worth: it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that your’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. – F. Scott Fitzgerald

For me, I am going to have to find the strength to be:
1) humble, interdependent – not believing that I can do this all on my own but that I need people
2) Acknowledging that what I am not proud of is not so much what I do (which is worthy) as it is who I am and how I have related to others -that is what I need a ‘do over’ on… 2 years ago


reachbrendaI used to have stories

Stories that inspired me, gave me hope, pushed me in my weaknesses. Now I have sorrowful stories, stories that weigh me down, of betrayal and other people’s inability to contain their weaknesses. I am the reader, I am the story-teller, and I need to tell a different story. 2 years ago


reachbrendaTackling my unhappiness

like a project right now. Dissect it, fix it, put it back together. Just like the messy closet. Feels good to be decisive, even if I can’t find the missing mate to that one shoe and there are buttons that don’t appear to go with any piece of clothing… 2 years ago


reachbrendaSo guess who quit their job today?

I did, I did! (Will finish my contract, but told the Dean I was leaving). 2 years ago


reachbrendaI can, I can find the inner-strength to make myself happy

I’ve pulled from my inner strength to survive, thrive, reach all those lovely goals. Time to pull from the source and make myself as happy as I can. 2 years ago


reachbrendabacking off

Okay I’m going to back-off some of my religious rituals because I think the box that they are creating for me is just one more in a series of pre-conceived traps set by expectations others have of me. I still have lots of entrapping expectations for others. Since no one is meeting those expectations as it is, why should I be bound by others? Anyhow, long story short, I’m going to practice just regular Christianity, and not the extraordinary kind. No one cares about the extraordinary kind anyway. 2 years ago


reachbrendaI am always in this twilight

From Florence + the Machine (how does she know my heart???)

“The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out.
You have left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight – in the shadow of your heart… (So I stayed in the darkness with you)”

Sorry, I’m not staying in the dark with you, I’m going to find my way out… 2 years ago


reachbrendaif this is my number one goal right now

then it occurs to me that I should be proud (and not guilty) about skipping work today, simply because I didn’t feel like getting up this morning. I am sick of following the rules and being super responsible. I think I would have enjoyed it more if I was lazing around with the love of my life – I need to make finding someone a goal, I think that would certainly add to my happiness. 2 years ago


reachbrendaForward looking February

February is going to be a good month because:
-4 great eps of my fav show – during sweeps month, it is always better
-started book club
-like my classes at the moment
-falling into routine that may be doable
-job prospects will keep coming 2 years ago


reachbrendaAm now starting Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project

Worth a try since I am desperate. 2 years ago


reachbrendaGretchen Rubin talks about one part of "The Happiness Project"

http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2008/10/paradoxes-of-ha.html

Once I realized this, I saw that this problem is quite more widespread. A person wants to teach high school, but wishes he wanted to be a banker. Or vice versa. A person has a service heart but doesn’t want to put it to use. Someone wants to be a stay-at-home mother but wishes she wanted to work; another person wants to work but wishes she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother. And it’s possible - in fact quite easy - to construct a life quite unrelated to our nature.

My response: I think I might have constructed such a life. Now I need to figure out what I’m going to do with that information. I feel like a plan might come out of this. Thank God, I thrive on a plan. (Hey, is that part of my nature?- must.figure. this. out.) 2 years ago


reachbrendaruined

I feel so ruined, so fucked up. 2 years ago


reachbrendaIt's a fine romance, but its left me so undone...

Am I having a romance with woundedness, with the wrongs done to me? Just because I don’t have regrets doesn’t mean I am not other-people’s regret. For how many people out there am I a difficult thought, just because they know they were wrong in their treatment toward me? I have those regrets about how I’ve treated others, so why not the other way around?

I want to be done being broken-hearted. I deserve to be happy, therefore I’m choosing happiness today. 2 years ago


reachbrendaFlorence + the Machine

“Shake It Out”

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah 2 years ago


reachbrendaMaking the effort.

“You could be happy. You deserve to be happy. But you are afraid.” The research says:
Friends
God
Marriage

are all keys… 2 years ago


reachbrenda2011 sucked

I just realized I have spun my wheels for an entire year. It is ridiculous that I let other people define the year for me. May all the fuckers in my life get back what they gave. May all the blessers be blessed! And may I find my momentum again to move forward in happiness. 2 years ago


reachbrendaI think I"m on my way

I never would have thought after being fired and terrified about the future, what a blessing it would be! I think I am back on the road, there is hope! 2 years ago


reachbrenda 2 years ago


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