I just realised today was my dad’s birthday. I’ll try to come by with a surprise tomorrow. Although didn’t they say something about them going on a trip for his birthday ? I forgot that too… 13 months ago

I didn’t know the change was happening today. So although I arrived on time according to my watch, I did arrive exactly one hour too late :/ ! They made such a big deal of other stories on the news that I didn’t even hear daylight saving time being mentioned at all. ^{Although I do reckon that the arrest of a guy whose head is a towelis worth making the news. Can you imagine ? people like that out on the streets, wiping things with their heads ? Unbelievable. I’m glad they arrested him.}

^{(not making fun of that particular case obviously, I just saw the images on TV and started to giggle imagining that this was his actual head and the headline “towel-faced man arrested”. Weird things go through my head when I’m tired.)}14 months ago

I really try to be late less often lately. I have a big big problem with being on time. Always have, pretty much. I’m rarely super late but people who know me always expect me to be a little late at least.

Because I spend so much time alone, it’s hard for me to realise that my being late has consequences on other people’s day. It may sound stupid but it’s true. I typically do a lot of grooming at the last minute, because I want to look good for others, while I don’t necessarily do that effort for myself. So it’s also a self-respect problem.

Generally, when I am to meet someone, it’s the only thing I’ve planned to do with my day ; because of the depressee lifestyle, the rest of my day is total chaos, so I literally have to remember to start my day for them, which takes a few minutes.

Once I’m out the door, I always rush and I’m always stressed about being too late. When I’m in the subway/on the bus is when the whole “hurried” part comes in, which is really stupid of me since I’m not the one driving or controlling how much time between each train/bus. That whole hurried part should intervene before I leave. Well, it does, but always too late. There are these few minutes during which I know I should be getting ready but, almost like a slave to my routine, I wait some more. I used to live next to my school then highschool and could afford going pretty much the first time they ring the bell, must have given me bad habits.

Anyway, if I didn’t mind being late, then I guess I could keep doing it (much to other people’s displeasure), the point is I hate it, it’s not just nonchalance (like my highschool teachers used to think), it’s actually something that stresses me out on a daily basis, makes me breathe adventure-style and probably age faster, may impair my relationship with others, I’m more irritable the whole time I’m in a hurry, I’m sure I’d have a lot less misanthropic and negative thoughts if I was more in control of my day.

I’ve been on time or early at work these last few days, except yesterday when I was technically on time but forgot my badge for the first time so I had to lose fifteen minutes with security. This should be a habit, this should be my new norm. Like I said, I don’t get super late, but being even 5 minutes late is not a good way to be seen as a reliable person by your hierarchy. I’ve been working for almost 4 months now, never skipped a day, I’m always the last to leave (but they don’t know that for the bosses don’t stay in the evening), I believe I’m more serious than most of my coworkers about keeping the shops tidy and the clients happy, yet I know those frequent 5ish minutes overshadow all of that. Since I’ve been making an effort, I’ve gotten half-positive half-sarcastic feedback from the office, probably because they’re still not too convinced. I have to be early/on time often enough to change that.

Regarding friends, I haven’t made the same conscious effort, which I should for I’m not proud ; a friend can’t really fire you but they deserve at the very least the same respect as your boss.

Now, to end that long-ass entry…14 months ago

Considering how much of a drag it was for me to just help a coworker write an important paper of hers in time when the deadline was relatively cool, I am, on second thought, pretty glad not to be pursuing studies this year. My brain will just not accept deadlines, not at this stage. I go to work then back home and it’s mission accomplished, technically I can quit anyday I want, no obligations. With the number of things still dragging me down, the last thing I need is obligations. I have so many issues keeping an empty life on track, imagine a full life. For now, it’s the bare necessities. I may not be super happy this way but I know I’d be a lot unhappier with more choices to make and drama to shake at this point. 15 months ago

at the late thing. I don’t consider it to be in my DNA yet though so I’m leaving it on the list. 15 months ago

Should have been yesterday, I forgot to go, went to work directly. Too bad, I haven’t seen a doctor in a shamefully long time and I’m feeling pretty sick. Well, now that I have my new beautiful organizer, I can write the new date in it and everthing when they give it to me. 17 months ago