overcome bulimia

3 weeks is all I need. Three weeks of change. Three weeks of me time to save my life.

In the next three weeks, I’ll focus on my needs. For the next three weeks ME comes first. Whatever the problem, whatever the conflict (at work, with friends, with guys, with my family), I’ll put myself first.

I believe that, with a little bit of healthy selfishness, I can beat this monster.

ME ME ME.

I need some space to breathe.

I got to bed each night vowing that it will be different tomorrow and it never is. Today I’ve binged and purged twice. It is Sunday and I woke up late. I needed to go to the office so I got up and tried to eat breakfast. Mistake. Ended up bingeing on everything edible in my house. Another $30 down the toilet. Then I walked to work feeling lightheaded. Lasted for two hours and then headed home to binge again. stopping on the way. I’ve gained weight and I hate how I look. It’s like it is consuming my life and keeping me in this spiral. I have no idea what to do anymore.

It’s hard to believe, but this has been a disease i’ve struggled with for almost 10 years.. and it’s still a day-by-day challenge. I call myself “recovered” for the most part, going from binge/purging 3-4x a day to now months at a time without doing it. But as there is the saying of old habits dying hard.. well this is one of them. Last night i went out for dinner with my boyfriend and about a dozen other people.. and i just couldn’t stand the feeling of fullness any more and had to make myself get rid of the large dinner i had just consumed. The feeling afterwards was INSTANT reief. It’s really one of the worse feelings ever.. the “in-between” feeling. The feeling of “should i do it or not..” of “am i strong enough to resist this urge or not..” of “have i really come this far just to fall back into the downward spiral again..” of “everything will be okay after you do it..” It’s so hard to describe, but it’s like i’ve lost and the disease has won, and i have no control over it, by the time i’ve gotten up from the table and taken a single step away.. a step towards that instant relief. It had been so long since i’d felt that irreversable urge. I just hope it was one tiny blunder and that it won’t creep it’s way back into my life yet again.

how do i even get through a day??
my god.

i have to stop… before its too late

...of not throwing up. it’s been a pretty easy transition. the first few days were really difficult and i was afraid to eat very much food at all, knowing that there would be no way to reverse my decision. whenever i felt stressed about food or my weight, i would exercise, which made me feel better and more in control.
i wasn’t very active before, so i haven’t gained too much weight. i understand my body will need some time readjust its metabolism, so i’m trying my best to be patient with it.
for the most part, i’m pretty happy and very proud of myself. i think the biggest change took place in my head when i acknowledged to myself that i had a real problem.
some things i’ve noticed since i’ve stopped binging & purging:
-i have so much more energy and i no longer need a nap in the middle of the day.
-i actually like exercising!
-my face has gotten smaller, because my glands aren’t as swollen from all the purging.
-i’ve been a lot less stressed and feel more accomplished.

i realized today how big of a problem this really is, and i want to regain control of life.
i guess the first step is to identify all my binge triggers and try to avoid them at all costs. i definitely think i deserve better than how i’ve been treating myself for the past 6 years.

im B/p 3-4 times a day im spending around $50 a week on binge food alone. my boyfriend of almost 3 monthes has no idea. i think the way to overcome this is to move out of home and live with my boyfriend ive almost finished school than i plan to work full time to save up some money. i feel so compelled by this disorder its like whenever im bingeing i accually stop thinking i just have to concentrate on the food im eating and let my mind drift..no worrying …making plans.. freaking out. my body is suffering and i know im closer to death than most of my friends. the drugs and bulimia are killing me. im munderweight and i want this..but i hate it so much. im just falling through the days…im looking for that great escape.

if i wasent bulimic

drugs would work better
i wouldnt steal money and food off my parents
i wouldnt starve myself
i would eat like evryone else
i would eat out
id have more time for me and others
id have more money
i wouldnt be as cold all the time
i will be healthy
i will be happy

i can have this. i deserve this. everyone does.

Day One went good –
after I wrote the post yesterday, i had a good day

Did I work out? Yes
Did I eat balanced meals and listen to myself? Yes
Did I remember to stay in the moment? Yes

:)

I finally feel that I am ready to remove bulimia from my life. I have reduced my bingeing/purging to once every two weeks or so but this is not good enough. I need to remove it from my life completely. I am giving it up today. I know that to do this, I am going to have to get back on a normal eating plan today and try to eat three balanced meals every day, the healthier the better so that I never get too hungry and binge.

It’s Spring time and I want this Spring to be great!

My boyfriend is deploying to Afghanistan in December. I want our time together until then to be filled with happiness.

But most of all I want to do this for myself. For once, I WANT TO DO THIS FOR MYSELF!!! I AM HAPPY WITH EVERYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE, I WON’T LET THIS TAKE AWAY MY HAPPINESS ANYMORE!

Here’s an inconclusive list of the things bulimia keeps me from doing (and also what restricting keeps me from doing because that leads to binging, leads to purging):

1. Running – I love running, but I can’t do it when I feel weak all day from b/p-ing!
2. My homework – I am working on my Master’s degree
3. Making friends
4. Going to work
5. Being happy

To make an easier short-term goal…we just moved into a new apartment and I am designating this a safe place. I will not binge or purge here and I will try to eat three healthy meals a day and work out because it feels good from now, MARCH 17, 2009, until I go home on May 2nd. I will make a new goal at that time.

SO NO B/P FOR THE NEXT MONTH AND A HALF.

I CAN DO THIS!

I WILL BLOG EVERY NIGHT BEFORE BED ABOUT HOW I DID THAT DAY.