In my former entries I wrote about a 3 week period in which I’d have focused on me and on my well being. Well, it was an utter failure. I put on 5 kilos in a month, gave up swimming almost completely and got involved with MC again.
So, total disaster. The weird thing is that all this happened as I was completely aware that I was losing it, but I could not stop this fall. I just fell. And fell. And fell.
I did not even find the strength to write on 43T, which is a real bummer: it’s amazing how beneficial 43T support is (thank you guys;)).
However I did do something good: I bought two books on EDs that are helping me out, maybe once and for all!
These books are: “My life without ED” and “Getting better bit(e) by bit(e)”.
In particular, the first book represents the eating disorder as if it were a man, Ed, who is tyrannical and abusive. It’s great to be able to think of “him” as separate from my authentic self. So, from now on, I’ll refer to bulimia as Ed.
The second book, on the other hand, is a practical guide to get through all the stages involved in a binging-purging vicious circle. It gives advice on how to deal with most, if not all, the issues involved. I’ll keep it as my guide in my recovery.
By now, I have come to realize that:
1. My addiction to ED is very similar to the one I have for MC. In fact, one strengthens the other. I thought I was 100% over MC, but instead the more I got in touch with him the more I turned to food for compensation, and vice versa. To be honest, I think this time I turned to MC because I was losing grip over my diet and exercise routine. MC offers me oblivion and shame, and these make it impossible for me to lead a dignified life. When he’s around, I’m in disgrace. Totally addicted to him, and dangerously prone to self-harm.
IF my self-esteem goes up, I might be able to get rid of him.
IF I get red of him, my self-esteem will go up.
2. I need to work on my social skills. Right now I am extremely fragile, and I am trying to avoid all people that make me feel bad about myself, one way or the other.
3. I’m not back to square one. Not at all. This is a brief summary of my achievements since last November:
- exercising, in the form of swimming, running, or aerobic classes, has become part and parcel of my daily life (even if there have been times when I have not exercied at all): this means that I can run 4-5 miles or swim 2-3km no problem. So, I’m fit – fit as I’d never been before. Well done me!
- my trainer gave me a series of diet guidelines that are very sensible. I managed to stick to these guidelines for over a week and it was wonderful: for the first time in about 15 years, I finally had a healthy daily diet. I felt so strong.
Even if after one week I started binging again, this does not mean that I’m back to square one. I did take a step forward, and a big step it was! It is so much so that I have not thrown up in 4 days and my diet is getting better and better (setbacks included – but those are just natural).
Right now I don’t care too much about the weight. I’m 65kg atm. I was 61 one month ago. I’d be ok with my weght, whatever that will be, as long as my diet is healthy, I don’t care anymore. I am the way I am, and fat cannot possibly make me more lonely than I already am. A good diet and exercising, on the other hand, can give me health and a good life.