overcome bulimia

I got off work early and I work at the mall right next to B&N so I went in and asked for the Self-help section. They told me where it was… So then I find myself looking at these work-books for Bulimia and other “recovery” oriented books…

I sat on the floor in the isle shaking because I was like, afraid to get caught. I found one I wanted. The workbook. Sounded like a good idea. But it didn’t have a price on the back or anywhere. In fact none of the books did. This forced me to walk up to somebody and ask. I handed her the book upside down, like it would stop her from looking at the title. I mean, the front had in size HUGE font the word BULIMIA. She still looked. Then kind of glanced at me. I kept my head down. I felt kind of ashamed.

She told me the book was 21.95 and I was like, Thanks… and ran back to the isle without making eye-contact. I guess I made the whole thing really obvious. With a bag from Pannera Bread sticking out of my purse and my awkward disposition.

I didn’t get the book. I felt way too scared. I felt like the whole store would somehow find out I have an “issue” and then like, see me working at Aeropostale and be like, “Hey! It’s that bulimic chick!” I settled on a Non-Ed book and got the heck out of dodge.

Well, I almost did it. But got to scared. I can beat this on my own… I don’t need a book…

<3 PJ

Love hate relationship right there!

Destined to lose weight to look good in a costume, but at the same time trying not to go freaking binge crazy on all of the stupid stuff that fills the grocery stores this time of year…

Not doing so good lately. Binge free since… Saturday? Meh…

i’ve been getting really sick recently and it’s probably attributed to poor nutrition. i’ve relapsed since my last entry. i can’t seem to stop by myself. i’ve talked to my mom about it recently which was very difficult. i’m going to start seeking professional help soon. i feel as if i’ve lost control over myself and my life in so many ways.

I can only truly live my life when I overcome this destructive disease.

The big sucess is that there are times when I do not have any symptoms of ED. I finally made up my mind and decided to stop throwing up. This has had a deeply positive impact on my eating habits because when I binge (I still do, unfortunately) it is usually because I feel hungry (be it emotionally or physically) and the binge soothes me. When I used to throw up, I started a vicious circle because the craving would still be there or would come back in a very short time anyway, and this led to another binging episode followed by purging and so on and so forth.

When I binge now instead, since I know that I will not throw up, I eat a little bit less because when you fill up your stomach it can get very discomfortable, and the awareness that I will have to keep all that food inside of me makes me stop before I reach a point where I feel like I’m going to explode (as it always was when I used to throw up).

The other positive effect of not throwing up is that when I’m scared/frustrated/upset, having a full stomach soothes me, and this in a way helps me to find my balance again.
In the last three weeks I have thrown up three times, which is nothing compared to throwing up on a daily basis, often more than once a day.

I have to say that keeping the food inside did not affect my weight in a negative way. Of course I did not lose weight (I still binge!!), but I did not gain any either! I mean, one fully digested binge does not give you more calories than 2,3,or 4 half digested binges. Therefore, thumbs up for not throwing up anymore!!

So. I am trying this new thing now: I’m marking this goal as “done”. I know that I am still very far from a healthy lifestyle, but I want to take this ED label off of me.

From now on, let’s just say that I have a problem with my eating habits. A problem I am tackling day by day, and that is getting slowly but steadily better.

In the near future I might have to forcefully stick to a diet because it looks like there is something wrong with my stomach. I was diagnosed with a tumor some months ago. They say it is benign, but the tests seem to suggest that there’s something bad going on. Doctors are not sure what it is and if it depends on this tumor. So I’m waiting to be diagnosed again. On the basis of the diagnosis, I might have to dramatically change my lifestyle, whether I like it or not.

Actually today I’m going to pick up my latest blood test results. Fingers crossed!!

In my former entries I wrote about a 3 week period in which I’d have focused on me and on my well being. Well, it was an utter failure. I put on 5 kilos in a month, gave up swimming almost completely and got involved with MC again.
So, total disaster. The weird thing is that all this happened as I was completely aware that I was losing it, but I could not stop this fall. I just fell. And fell. And fell.

I did not even find the strength to write on 43T, which is a real bummer: it’s amazing how beneficial 43T support is (thank you guys;)).
However I did do something good: I bought two books on EDs that are helping me out, maybe once and for all!
These books are: “My life without ED” and “Getting better bit(e) by bit(e)”.
In particular, the first book represents the eating disorder as if it were a man, Ed, who is tyrannical and abusive. It’s great to be able to think of “him” as separate from my authentic self. So, from now on, I’ll refer to bulimia as Ed.
The second book, on the other hand, is a practical guide to get through all the stages involved in a binging-purging vicious circle. It gives advice on how to deal with most, if not all, the issues involved. I’ll keep it as my guide in my recovery.

By now, I have come to realize that:
1. My addiction to ED is very similar to the one I have for MC. In fact, one strengthens the other. I thought I was 100% over MC, but instead the more I got in touch with him the more I turned to food for compensation, and vice versa. To be honest, I think this time I turned to MC because I was losing grip over my diet and exercise routine. MC offers me oblivion and shame, and these make it impossible for me to lead a dignified life. When he’s around, I’m in disgrace. Totally addicted to him, and dangerously prone to self-harm.

IF my self-esteem goes up, I might be able to get rid of him.
IF I get red of him, my self-esteem will go up.

2. I need to work on my social skills. Right now I am extremely fragile, and I am trying to avoid all people that make me feel bad about myself, one way or the other.

3. I’m not back to square one. Not at all. This is a brief summary of my achievements since last November:

- exercising, in the form of swimming, running, or aerobic classes, has become part and parcel of my daily life (even if there have been times when I have not exercied at all): this means that I can run 4-5 miles or swim 2-3km no problem. So, I’m fit – fit as I’d never been before. Well done me!
- my trainer gave me a series of diet guidelines that are very sensible. I managed to stick to these guidelines for over a week and it was wonderful: for the first time in about 15 years, I finally had a healthy daily diet. I felt so strong.
Even if after one week I started binging again, this does not mean that I’m back to square one. I did take a step forward, and a big step it was! It is so much so that I have not thrown up in 4 days and my diet is getting better and better (setbacks included – but those are just natural).

Right now I don’t care too much about the weight. I’m 65kg atm. I was 61 one month ago. I’d be ok with my weght, whatever that will be, as long as my diet is healthy, I don’t care anymore. I am the way I am, and fat cannot possibly make me more lonely than I already am. A good diet and exercising, on the other hand, can give me health and a good life.

3 weeks is all I need. Three weeks of change. Three weeks of me time to save my life.

In the next three weeks, I’ll focus on my needs. For the next three weeks ME comes first. Whatever the problem, whatever the conflict (at work, with friends, with guys, with my family), I’ll put myself first.

I believe that, with a little bit of healthy selfishness, I can beat this monster.

ME ME ME.

I need some space to breathe.

I got to bed each night vowing that it will be different tomorrow and it never is. Today I’ve binged and purged twice. It is Sunday and I woke up late. I needed to go to the office so I got up and tried to eat breakfast. Mistake. Ended up bingeing on everything edible in my house. Another $30 down the toilet. Then I walked to work feeling lightheaded. Lasted for two hours and then headed home to binge again. stopping on the way. I’ve gained weight and I hate how I look. It’s like it is consuming my life and keeping me in this spiral. I have no idea what to do anymore.

It’s hard to believe, but this has been a disease i’ve struggled with for almost 10 years.. and it’s still a day-by-day challenge. I call myself “recovered” for the most part, going from binge/purging 3-4x a day to now months at a time without doing it. But as there is the saying of old habits dying hard.. well this is one of them. Last night i went out for dinner with my boyfriend and about a dozen other people.. and i just couldn’t stand the feeling of fullness any more and had to make myself get rid of the large dinner i had just consumed. The feeling afterwards was INSTANT reief. It’s really one of the worse feelings ever.. the “in-between” feeling. The feeling of “should i do it or not..” of “am i strong enough to resist this urge or not..” of “have i really come this far just to fall back into the downward spiral again..” of “everything will be okay after you do it..” It’s so hard to describe, but it’s like i’ve lost and the disease has won, and i have no control over it, by the time i’ve gotten up from the table and taken a single step away.. a step towards that instant relief. It had been so long since i’d felt that irreversable urge. I just hope it was one tiny blunder and that it won’t creep it’s way back into my life yet again.

how do i even get through a day??
my god.