stop feeling guilty

On Saturday I got drunk and fell over, and got concussed and had to go to hospital. I’ve let down my parents and my work and my friend who had to look after me. Every time the guilt begins to go away I do something else really stupid and start really disliking myself as a person. grr

The guilt I’m working on. When I feel it, I do, but I try not to linger in the emotion. I figure, why say sorry profusely when I can just resolve not to do X again?

So yeah. Woot. ^^

It took therapy AND pills, but by gum, my mind is finally free.

I don’t know when it happened, or how it happened but I just realized I ain’t got one goddamn thing in this world to feel guilty or even bad about.

Ya know, you just gotta get up on day and say to yourself “well, that was what happened then and I’m gonna change what happens now” and what’s happening now is you getting rid of your guilt, forgive yourself and forgive everyone around you because life is too damn short to feel guilty and sorry all the time.

...yet i feel so guilty for all of this deep inhaling, exhaling, thinking, mulling, reflecting, contemplating…

now i am ready for the mundane tasks that will steal the part of me that plays…

but

clean socks are soft
neat houses are inviting
stocked refrigerators are appetizing
... now I’m motivated!!!!

I’ve noticed that feeling guilty is not a constant. It just kinda rears its ugly head sometimes. Then I can’t shake the feeling. And.. it doesn’t always seem to be related to just one thing. The real problem is that I don’t want to make mistakes. Because when I mess up in some way I feel guilty. Nobody is perfect. That’s a fact. And we never learn unless we put ourselves out into the world and mess up a few thousand times. I just hate knowing that I could do something wrong. But it happens. Life goes on, the world keeps spinning, people go on living, and I feel guilty. Granted, I’m sure I learn from my mistakes quite quickly because I have so much pressure on myself. But still I carry around this remorse and mild self loathing from merely making an innocent enough mistake. That doesn’t seem right and yet my stomach still claims its guilt. hmmmmm… well I’m working on it anyway.

I’ve done it! I finally have been doing things that benefit ME without feeling like I should pay for it with feelings of guilt. I’ve also shed toxic relationships that I’ve been putting off shedding because of guilty feelings. I’m so much happier now. I used to feel selfish, undeserving and extrememly guilty for paying attention to ME, but now I finally get it. I AM who is most important and I need to take care of ME first!

I will never change the things I feel guilty over, unless I forgive myself for them or accept myself with them. so its really ass backwards to me. But i know one thing, I can do all the unhealthy, or negative things in the world and feeling guilty over them, is NEVER going to make me healthier or more positive of a person.

I’ve decided that I don’t like this negatively stated goal staring back at me every time I open up my browser, so I’m giving up this goal and replacing it with something more inspiring and positive.

about my family. im not their mom. im not an extra accessory. im a person and i need to go to school, even if its far away from them. i need to do things in my life that will fulfill my purpose. my family will always be a part of it, but i shouldn’t wait with my life on hold for them.