remember the things I used to believe in as a kid

I remember being young. I was an actress, the star of my imagination and and adventurer of untold realities. I was an artist, creating constantly whether it was in my mind, on paper, or with my voice.

I did not live in real life, I had my head in the clouds where I could be whoever I wanted to be and believe in what my heart told me was right. I believed in ghost, fairies, and Santa Claus. I believed that if I wanted something bad enough it would come to me. I believed that future would be grand and all my dreams would come true. That the universe would somehow take care of me, it would give me what I needed and I would live happily ever after as a bard and artist.

Instead I turned my back on all of that and let go of these dreams and my passions to become a “adult” instead of a teen at the age of 13. I was told success was all the matters and I’d never get in going to art school. By the time I was 17 I applied to history and not art. I was told to go to Law school after, and find my success there. I followed the opinion of others instead of my heart. Four years later I know that is just not correct for me.

Looking back at my younger self it is amazing to see how much I have lost and left myself let go of. Its hard to believe that as we grow we believe its wrong to wonder around in clouds, that as we age our dreams will never come true and that real life means a 9-5 job in an office, not writing books and creating art. My dreams died when I was forced to become an adult and that is ok, it had to be done.

However, it is now time to look back at this and perhaps start believing again in myself and in my heart rather then the opinions of others.My childhood self would probably laugh at fact I came to trust other over myself these past few year, and remind me where it has got me, no where. I know she would tell me to believe and follow my heart. This is one childhood belief I should have never let got of.

Its time to reignite what is left of this flame and remember who I was when I believed I could be anything in the world.

stories, stories, stories; making them up, acting them out, living them, dreaming them, thinking about them, reading them, keeping them secret, writing them

elves lived in the woods

I could be anything I wanted to be

I would travel the world

I was special and unique

Dogs could talk

I was an only child growing up, and despite having countless cousins and tonnes of kids in the area my own age, I remember telling my mother when I was very, very young that I would never get married and that I would be a writer when I grew up. Of course, I would later talk about having children, and I could never really figure out why a husband had to enter into that… and I still don’t, but we know the reason for that now.

I played games by myself, built cities and nations in my room (where the Lego Kingdom was near the Tinkertoy Kingdom, where people were clearly taller, and across the room from the Lincoln Log Kingdom, where there were mountains and snow and it was rural but obviously quite wealthy because they all had such nice homes), wrote novels in gym class. Sure, I had friends, but I had entire kingdoms in my mind, and that, for me, is what independence is (and always has been) about.

Perhaps I’m too independent; I’m very quick to throw out the accusation that people don’t know me at all, but how could anyone hope to glean the dimensions of another person’s mental landscape? For some, I suppose, it’s a matter of imagination, but I live there, among the tornado chasers and the outdated dragoons. Now I travel alone, and I write alone, but only because it offers me more things to write about, new stories, new ideas, new characters.

Even from the beginning, I believed in doing everything you could by yourself.

i believed:
that friends were forever,
that the easter bunny was real,
that it would rain when i was sad,
that i could be a digidestened one day,
that lying was wrong,
that i could get anything i wanted for one pound,
that monsters lived under my bed,
and that i’d get a happy ending one day.

Woah. I’ve been wanting to do this a long time ago. I want to remember what made me smile the most, and Iwant to laugh like I used to!

was in a tree on the shore of a very large lake, on a branch that hung way out over open water. I wanted to freeze time that day. I knew that summer was almost over, that fall would melt into winter. I knew that the heat of youthful passion would fade to a memory, that soon enough my first love would be just a memory—perhaps a silly one, at that. I believed that if I could stop time, I would always own the magic of that day. I would always be loved.

Now I know that the moment was never mine, nor have any of life’s moments been mine to manipulate. Time unfolds as it will. It surprises and shocks and crushes and astonishes. Moments delight and overwhelm, and they cannot be stopped or frozen.

Nevertheless, I had it half right—I have always been loved. It just took me decades to realize that it wasn’t about the moment. It was about ME.

Building the tree house with gathered wood scraps from neighborhood construction sites with dad’s hammer. Hanging the 50 foot swinging rope from way higher than I had ever climbed before. After the new concrete drainage ditch was built we used the curb opening to climb into it as a bunker like fort. From inside there was a large culvert that angled down to the double tunnel ditch with all new poured concrete for over two miles in both directions. Disappearing on Saturday morning on the single speed Schwinn Bicycle and staying gone all day. We put balloons filled with air on the frame against spokes for a really cool motorcycle sound instead of the playing cards we used long ago. Fishing at the Chickasaw Garden Lake with homemade flour & water dough for bait on a bamboo pole. I remember the fear of the first time at Chickasaw Country Club on the really really really HIGH diving board and standing there all alone out on the end. There was no turning back with all those other kids waiting up there for their turn at the 25 foot drop. Spending all day sitting on the floor in front of the comic book stand at Woolworths reading ten-cent Superman comics. Yes, The smell of the Five and Dime … the smell of wooden floors and bubblegum stuck on the bottom of your leather souled shoe. Climbing 60 feet to the tip top of the biggest tree on the street and the great view from up there. Being chased by a nest full of yellow jackets. Ahhhh … thanks for the grand memories.

my parents were the greatest. I’ve been missing my dad. I wish my mom wasn’t an ‘alcoholic pill-popping make my life waaaay harder than is has to be’ type person. I want my dad to not be a cheater/piece of crap. I want to BBQ in the summer with him and feel at home when we exchange sarcastic remarks. I want to talk to him and realize that there is someone in this world that I resemble…my thoughts, mannerisms, likes/dislikes. I want to feel like a daughter…not an orphan. I want to see what it feels like to be a child…even though I’m not anymore. I want to get rid of the fact that I missed out and it isn’t fair.

My friend has this down as a blog, i think it may have been a chain mail, but it’s really helping me achieve this goal :)
You’re a 90’s kid if:

You remember tazos.

You bought bubble gum for the tattoos

You can finish this [ice ice _ _ _ _ ]

You remember watching Doug and Ren & Stimpy

AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!

You had a favourite member from FIVE.

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You remember reading “Goosebumps”

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You still get the urge to say “NOT” after (almost) every sentence . . . not

when everyhting was settled by rock paper scissors

when we played Hide and go seek until our legs grew numb.

when we used to obey our parents

You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time.

video hits was actually good.

“Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?” was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet. He’s a Hero.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together.

You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.

You always wanted to send in a tape to Australiass Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.

You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on “intruders”

you had a fringe at some point. none of this side fringe crap, a real fringe

You remember those Where’s Wally books.

You remember eating Warheads.

You remember watching the Aladin, and Ninja Turtles,.

You remember Ring Pops.

If you remember when every thing was “da BOMB!”

You remember walkmans

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell”.

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.

. . . Furbies.

You haven’t always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.

And Windows 98 was the best.

You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.

When Goth (NOT EMO) was crazy cool! Smashing Pumpkins, Sonic Youth, the good bands.

You remember Bewitched, 5, S-Club 7, backstreet boys, spicegirls and that whole period with the boy bands and pop divas.

You remember exactly where you were and what you were doing the first time you saw a Britney Spears or N’SYNC video.

Michael Jordan was a king.

no one had brand pencilcases

You collected those Beanie Babies.

Carebears

Lambchop (its the song that never ends!!! etc etc etc etc etc…..........)

sesame st was actually good.

You collected all the Troll dolls

You owned a portable tape player.

You know the Macarena and the nutbush by heart.

“Talk to the hand” . . . enough said

You always said, “Then why don’t you marry it!”

You went to McDonald’s to play in the playplace.

Before the MySpace frenzy . . .

Before the Internet & text messaging . . .

Before iPods . . .

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .

Before Spongebob . . .

when you got one sheet of homework for the whole week.

When light up sneakers were cool.

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

when Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs.

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off of our walkmans.

Way back.

When it was all about N64.

and when pokemon took over the school yard

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.

and now we are here…and all but the memory of the 90’s lives on.

but how good the memories are :)

I’ve started collecting all the movies and books I loved as a child. I think it is one of the best ways to remember to let go and relax. Never forget who you are, were, or where you came from.