be in a relationship

It’s more difficult to find someone at my age (50). I have been on my own for many years now, probably about 8 or 10, and I would like to live my last years with a partner. Not that I’m dying any time soon – hope not! But I feel so differently now than I was as a young person, and feel I can offer someone my best now.

I want to fall in love and to be loved fiercely. I’m shy , but I’ll be more outgoing from now. And I’ll be more expressive.

It seems like I am now at another threshold. I have been in this relationship since last September (2008) and it seemed wonderful. But it looks like it is no more.

bored of the goth guy already. indeed, his last visit seemed to underscore all the reasons he’s not relationship material. i’ll see him when i see him, but i’m not really trying anymore. he left a beloved article of clothing here, so i’m sure i’ll be seeing him again sometime. not sure if i’ll ever sleep with him again. not sure i want to anymore.

i just don’t see how this will happen anytime soon and i really want to focus on my career and finding a happy, stable home. so, i’m letting this one go for now. as much as i want this eventually, it’s just not a priority right now.

later!

i feel like i could meet someone relationship-worthy sometime soon. perhaps even sometime this year? i’ve been thinking about what’s holding me back. part of it is that i am very particular, but i do not think that my demands are unrealistic. i think a huge problem is that i have not been going places where i might meet someone who could meet my demands. time to expand my playing field. this summer i am going to go out more and to different places.

also, i’m going to make a vision board for my ideal relationship partner. i think i need to get back into honing my law of attraction skills and apply them to this venture.

meanwhile, goth guy is keeping me feeling confident and sexy. i’m still so infatuated with him. our phone time is great and our visits keep me wanting more. he’s so lovely and entertaining and real, and the pull i feel toward him, however limited, is genuine and powerful. it’s so easy with him, and i like and respect him so much. now that is hard to come by in an uncommitted sexual relationship.

i’m certainly not finished with him and hope that i can keep him around for a while longer. sometimes i think this could get in the way of my envisioning a real boyfriend into my life. but does it have to?

he’s coming up for another visit this weekend. i’m so looking forward to it.

so i told the nice guy i wasn’t interested in anything romantic and he in turn told me he didn’t think we had enough in common to even be friends. what a waste of time. maybe he was just lashing out to one-up my rejection of him as a lover with a rejection of me as a friend. or maybe when the idea of sex was taken off the table he was able to see better just how deep our incompatibility ran. in the end, i feel stupid for trying to make something out of nothing.

um, dating sucks.

on a better note, the guy i try to expect nothing from keeps delivering. goth guy calls me on his own initiative these days and returns my phone calls promptly. he’s even taking a day off of work to spend next weekend with me. i think it’s the lack of expectation that allows us to openly and honestly appreciate each other, despite the distance and despite our differences. he feels comfortable enough with me to tell me when some cute asian drunk girl randomly makes out with him at a party and i am comfortable enough with him to not be bothered by that at all (so long as he continues to show interest in me, which he does). it makes me like him more, in fact. my last boyfriend kept a lot of secrets and that negatively impacted the trust in our relationship. this guy lays it all out, at least enough for me to know where i stand. i can’t wait to hang out with him again.

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-can-i-tell-if-she-is-attracted-to-me and girls let me know if this vid is telling the truth.. hope it helps a fellow man.. ADIOS

i’m being courted. he’s not my type physically at all, but i find him interesting and intelligent, enjoy his company, and it is really nice to be taken out. we’ve only just barely kissed and i think he could be a really good kisser.

but i don’t think i could be his girlfriend. mostly for superficial reasons – i simply don’t have the urge to tear off his clothes which are not that interesting either. maybe it’s superficial, but sex is a big deal for me, as is looking awesome. it’s not even just about physical attributes; it’s about style, confidence, and having a sense of the aesthetic and of physicality. beauty on the inside is imperative, but i want it to spill onto the outside too. show me a little moxie!

before every date i think i’m going to break the news to him, but i enjoy his company so much that by the end of the date i start thinking that maybe i could date him. i find myself wondering what it would be like to make out with him and maybe more and thinking it might be alright. maybe i could take him shopping, get him a more interesting pair of glasses. my friend tells me that’s dangerous thinking – that one can change a man. we’re taking it ridiculously slow (i’m usually whorishly fast), though, so maybe more of an attraction will develop. it seems to a little.

meanwhile, i visited my dear gothed-out lover again recently. he’s so adorable and totally feral. he’s so out of the box and demented and i’m like a moth to the flame. i have such a good time with him and i don’t get enough. i won’t be able to visit him for another month, but i really hope he will take the time to visit me. or maybe we could meet in d.c. since it’s sort of a halfway point. but i have no expectations. any expectations would be fruitless. i just know i have to get my jacket back from him at some point. but i really want him to visit. talk about moxie!

maybe i shouldn’t be in any relationships. or can i just be in several open ones? whatevs. ultimately, i do want a boyfriend. i just haven’t met anyone who makes that cut yet.

Im tired of being the best friend i want people to see past my weight and see who i am i want people to like me for me

had coffee with an ex who broke my heart big time a year and a half ago. i think he’s moving in with a new lover. he didn’t say that he was romantically involved with this new roommate, but i have strong suspicions from the way he talked about her. it made me so sad. only because i saw again how much i loved him and how we are so incompatible. i bet he is as sweet, gentle, and passionate with her now as he was with me in our beginnings. oh, heartache! i don’t think i’ll truly get over him until i manage to fall in love again.

fortunately, right after that i had a date with the goth guy again. we had a great time. he is truly adorable, free-spirited, thoughtful, and fun. i wonder when i might see him again. i learned a bit about his romantic history. historically, he seems to have dated these hot über-feminine women. hmm. i can be feminine, but i’m way more subtle about it. he seems to be into me regardless. even after spending the whole weekend together, he i.m.ed me as soon as i logged into facebook just to say hi again. says he’ll call tonight or tomorrow. awesome. i am really enjoying his attention, and i hope i can keep it for a little while at least!