I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this goal. Our relationship could (probably) always use improvement and work, but is better than when I first initiated this goal – at least on my end.

If the problem is a two way street and only one person puts in the effort, they can only get so far and that’s where I am now. I’ve put a lot of work and effort in on my side and have come to realize that at the end of the day that’s all I can do.

Whether they choose to meet me there or not is a reflection on them, not on me or my efforts. 3 months ago

Z and I went to visit his grandma in the hospital. She’s sweet and just loves me to pieces! While we were there his parents showed up. After pleasantries were exchanged they talked to Z’s grandma.

While this was happening Z’s mom said to me (in plain hearing of everyone else) “so I heard you’re going to have (medical procedure) done. Good!” Then went on to dig in to my medical history, what I thought about the doctor performing said surgery and telling me who I should be seeing instead of my current doctor.

It was a perfectly nice time until then. It was nice then she had to pry. It left a poor taste in my mouth. 6 months ago

Yesterday while Z and I were out for coffee, he mentioned to me that his mom commented to him that, when we stopped by to talk last week, I “looked good” and “much better” than the last time she’d seen me.

While I obviously found it flattering, like most people would, it also made me uncomfortable. After every occasion where I spend time with his family, his mom makes comments like these; sometimes positive, sometimes negative (“she looks ill”, “too thin”, etc).

I know that they are meant with the best thoughts behind them, but they also make me feel like she’s constantly evaluating me. She does this with food too. When I go there on a holiday, she watches me; and then the next day I’ll hear from Zack that his mom was either concerned because I ‘didn’t eat very much’ or she’s ‘glad to see I’m eating again’ or some shade in between.

I’m normally not someone who cares an extraordinary amount about how I’m perceived by others, but this makes me feel extremely self conscious whenever I go there now. If I’m not feeling well, I’ll hear about it. Based on my looks, I’ll hear something. Based on what I’m eating or not eating, I’ll hear about it. Either directly to my face or through the grapevine. It’s like living under a microscope.

It’s not a big enough deal to try and talk to his mom about it, at least at this time, but I asked Z to not relay these messages to me anymore if he hears them and told him my reasoning. He said he’d never thought of it like that and is sure it’s meant with the best of intentions but he agreed. (I’m sure it is too but good intentions are what pave the road to hell after all.)

I think that not hearing these informal ‘evaluations’ after every encounter will help. I won’t hear them and can at least act like they aren’t going on lol 8 months ago

I adore Z’s grandparents and one thing he’s suggested to me is to take them out for breakfast sometime. Up until now we haven’t been able to afford it but in a couple of weeks, once the paychecks come in, we should be able to do just that.

It’s become a more pressing desire lately as both of his grandparents are approaching 90 and are starting to head into some health problems. In the last year both have had fairly major surgeries and in the last few weeks they’ve both fallen. Thankfully, both are okay but it’s still worrisome.

They live over an hour away from us, but I know it would be much appreciated by Z and by them if we took them out. Z spent some time with me and my grandparents so it’s the least I can do to repay the kindness. Plus, I just love them so it’s worth a little traveling inconvenience and eating discomfort to spend time with them. 9 months ago

This is a more minor subgoal so I don’t want to waste a separate goal on it, but it is something that I have to address as a step in this larger goal of improving my relationship with Z’s family.

In two-ish weeks Z’s cousin is having an engagement party. As Z is standing up for him (family tradition) he has to be there, and as his significant other I more or less have to be there also tobe respectful.I am dreading it and wish I could boycott. This cousin has done nothing but be nasty and injurious to me and his treatment of people is appalling. I would rather get another appendectomy and go to my ex’s engagement party. And have my eyes gouged out…and…

Point is, we’re expected to go so it’s my mini goal to get through it as unscathed as possible 15 months ago

One of the biggest ‘issues’ lately in dealing with Z’s family has been knowing what his siblings have been doing that their parents don’t know. (Some legal, some not.) Every time I’d seen something via facebook, I told Z about it because I was/am concerned for them. They’re making huge mistakes and I don’t want them to get hurt.

This turned into a vicious cycle…they do stupid things, they post it on Facebook, Z and I see it, Z talks to his parents (out of concern), parents deal with children, then children take out their issues out on Z and myself because they’re too immature yet to realize that what they are doing is the problem. One of his sisters unfriended me, which hurt my feelings. I want to be accepted into their family. It also made me feel like a stool pigeon because Z’s mom appreciated that I was watching out for the so much that she asked Z to ask me to keep doing it. Which put me in a bad position: be liked by his mom, but hated by his siblings. (I don’t care that much about the siblings’ opinions of me, but it certainly made me more uncomfortable going there.)

Facebook also became a problem-for me- because his cousin would make nasty comments to me (publicly visible with no one coming to defend me except Z, when he was on FB which is rare) and his cousin also has made nasty comments publicly about Z’s family and treats them (and me) poorly.

So, I made a decision that I knew might cause a problem. After a lot of thought, and a warning to Z, I decided to unfriend all of them. That was over a month ago. None of them have even attempted to re-friend me. (Which rankles just a little bit, not much though because this feels infinitely better to me.)
_{As a sidenote: I also unfriended all of my family (except my sister) which has also reduced pain/stress for me.}

Overall, it was the best situation for all involved. While I still am very concerned about them, I’m no longer put in the middle between his siblings and their mom and I’m no longer dealing with their stupidity. I also don’t have to put up with Z’s cousin’s abuse.

Even though I wanted to be closer to them, I think facebook was a very poor avenue for that. I’d hoped it would have brought us more understanding about one another (especially since I don’t get over there very often), but it almost did the opposite.

Now, I hear family news from Z, so I still know what’s going on and my stress level is definitely reduced in dealing with them. Definitely the right call. 21 months ago

On Friday, while he and his whole family were out celebrating his youngest sister’s graduation, Z decided to take the initiative on his own and asked his mom if they could talk privately when he came over for dinner on Sunday. She agreed. (She had no idea what it was about.)

So, when Sunday rolled around, they both sat down for a while (over an hour) and talked about everything that was going on and the situation between all of us (his family and me).

He told me (afterward) that she was pretty upset (at him, his sisters and herself) for my birthday(s). She’s upset at him for not reminding her, at his siblings because they clearly saw it/knew about it and both did nothing and didn’t tell her about it, and at herself for not taking any care to remember it on her own.
_{While my birthday thing was just a minor part of the whole scenario, I’m partially relieved that she got that upset over it- it justified (a little bit) how much it hurt me.}

As far as the slight on Christmas, she said it was more of a stupid misunderstanding than anything else (no intentional hurt intended towards me), but that it was wrong and she was sorry.

She said there’s nothing she can really do as far as Z’s siblings go. They have no reason to feel anything negative towards me; they’re just having “issues” (I won’t share as it’s not my place to) so she asked that I just ignore them; which I will try my best to do.

They did talk about POTS and Z told her about the heart thing that they found (MVP). He said his mom feels bad for me and wants to help me but Z told her that I’m seeing people about it and if I want her help I’ll come to her; that it’s better that way so it doesn’t come off as hounding me. (His words, not mine- though very true words lol) He also talked to her about how bad it can be, and how much it affects me.
_{He was surprised how much she knew about POTS, I wasn’t. I told him that the whole ‘we’re not there’ excuse was BS because his mom knew more than he thought she did and now he agrees with me. His exact words were “you’re always right”...darn right I am!}

Z said that his mom asked him to point out to me that she really does like me and understands my health problems. She is especially grateful to me for straightening Z out. He also said that she felt bad and was pretty upset with herself; which both Z and I feel is a good thing. (Not because we wanted to upset her, but because she realized that things were wrong and she took it to heart.)

Overall, Z has a good feeling about their talk. He feels it cleared up any confusion and let his mom see that there was a pretty sizable problem. He feels that progress was made and hopes that it wasn’t just words. (I hope that too.)

I’m also extremely proud of Z. He’s a very non-confrontational person, so I know this was very difficult for him. As a non-confrontational person, it’s hard enough forcing yourself to deal with a confrontation brought to you, let alone being the one to start it. Not to mention that it was his mother, and not some random person- who wants to upset their mom? I’m proud of him for finishing his talk with her even though she got upset; which is when it would be easiest to just back down entirely and let things go, and he didn’t. (She wasn’t crying or anything, but was definitely upset.) It took a lot for him to do this and I’m proud of him for it. It meant a lot to me.23 months ago

The other night, Z and I had a very long talk about what’s been going on with his family, and that it’s unacceptable how they treat me.

While I was a bit harsh, he now understands just how upsetting I find all of this to be, and he acknowledged (on his own) that he makes a large number of excuses for his family. He told me that he finds it upsetting that his sisters don’t even acknowledge that I exist. (Something that was shocking, and hurtful, news for me as we’ve never had a negative encounter with them.) I told him the same things that I’ve said here: that I don’t expect to be ‘adopted’ into their family, but I do expect all of us to be civil and observe social niceties around one another.

Common courtesy is all that I ask for; and even he is upset that they seem unwilling to behave appropriately considering how I’ve been making all of the efforts despite my illness, and they’ve made none. He’s as confused as I am by it all. (He also thanked me for trying and told me how much he appreciates it…on his own, mind you.)

His plan was to talk to his parents one of the weekends that he’s over there; he was just waiting for an appropriate time. (He’s very non-confrontational unlike myself) Seeing as his siblings are always around, I suggested something else. I know that his mom would be more than willing to stop at his house (she would move heaven and Earth for him.) so I suggested that maybe she should come to his house instead- something that never even occurred to him. He said that this week he will be setting up a meeting with her to talk about this.

I’ve made it clear to him that at this point in time, I no longer feel welcome around them at all; and, while I know we are ‘expected’ on Fourth of July, I told him that I am really uncomfortable with the idea of going there; as it feels like walking into a hostile situation.

I’m hoping that talking about my health situation (which I still think is a totally BS excuse on their part if that really is their problem) will help warm up the frostiness coming from them. It’s not like I’m keeping him from seeing them…and it’s not like I’m out clubbing and seeing everyone under the sun except for them. I see no one and go nowhere; so it’s nothing personal against them.

Anyways, he’s taking it seriously now and I’m glad. Not that he wasn’t taking it seriously before, but I don’t think he realized how much it was really hurting me. While I’m unhappy that it took an angry e-mail, a two hour conversation and tears to get the message to sink in, I’m glad he gets it now.

Fingers crossed for success.

_{I also told him that if he doesn’t talk to them, I will. I’ve refrained from it in the past out of respect for him and the desire to keep the peace/be kind/ be polite/ etc, but this has gone on for far too long for me to continue to write off their poor treatment. While I didn’t exactly threaten anything, he now knows that if he doesn’t follow through on this, I damn sure will and it will not go over as well as if he’d just done it himself.}23 months ago

And that person is me.

As you may, or may not, know my boyfriend’s family forgot my birthday. In the grand scheme of things, no big deal…I know that. Yet, it kind of upsets me and I’ll explain why.

First, let me say that I do not want gifts or a card from them. It just seems to be a symptom of a bigger problem. That being said…here’s why it bugs me:

To start with, this isn’t the first time. It’s the fourth year in a row they’ve forgotten my birthday completely. The first year, I can understand. Boyfriend and I had just started dating so they wouldn’t know when my birthday way. When “MIL” found out, she felt terrible and sent me a belated card. Totally fine and understandable.

The next two years, completely forgotten again. I’m facebook friends with his siblings and cousins, so it was nice that they sent wishes that way, even if facebook had to tell them it was my birthday. (Totally fine. I don’t remember theirs off the top of my head either…though I have them written down.) Not his parents though.

Then this year, no one said anything. Not one of his family members. Even the ones who are on facebook 40 times a day who saw it was my birthday. Later in the day, boyfriend’s female cousin (who is the nicest member of his family) wished me a happy birthday; so I know the rest of his family saw it in their feed, even if they didn’t see the notification on their home page. His parents didn’t remember either.
_{as far as birthdays go…my entire family knows when Z’s is. They make sure they say something to him. My mom gets him a card, and sometimes a gift (or goes in with me for a nice gift.) They make sure to say something because he’s practically a part of the family. We’re starting our fifth year together for heaven’s sake}

This year, as you know, I’ve been trying to make a better effort with his family. I make sure I don’t forget their birthdays. I went to their house and watched their dog while they went on vacation. I went to their house on Christmas despite not feeling well. I sent cards and flowers and made food for his mom after her surgery. I sent cards after their dog passed away. (I was in the hospital at the time, or I’d have gone with them.) I sent a card for when their other dog was in the hospital. I called. I even texted his mom last week to check in on her after her most recent surgery.

The response to my efforts? On Christmas, his mom didn’t even speak to me. I thought, maybe if I just tried a little harder things would improve…then his sister unfriended both Z and me (over something incredibly childish.) I had surgery too, and my grandfather died and: nothing. Now on my birthday they’ve all completely forgotten me.
_{For crying out loud, you’d think his mom would have at least written it down after missing it one of the three years prior. I don’t think that’s asking all that much.}

I can’t lie; after my efforts, it hurt. When I tried to my boyfriend about it, he said “it’s probably because we don’t spend any time with them and you never see them.”

That angered me. You know…I know we don’t see them. That’s not my fault. Half of my week is spent in my bed. Almost my entire week, every week, is spent trapped in my home. I feel that excusing their behavior because of that is bull; and that my boyfriend excusing it is even worse and I told him so. What if we lived out of town? That would make it ‘okay’? No, it wouldn’t. In my mind, this isn’t all that different from that scenario. (Except that instead of being stuck in another town, I’m stuck in my body in my house.) He agreed.

I just feel like after trying to put in effort on my end despite being ill, I’m getting absolutely nothing back on their end. I mean, it’s not like we’ve only been together for two weeks. It’s been over four years. I’ve never been rude to them. I’ve never been anything but kind to them. I think I deserve better. I think I’ve earned better.

Something else my boyfriend said was that he hasn’t talked to his parents at all about my condition, and how sick I really am with it because he wanted to respect my privacy.(Which I appreciate because his mom had been incredibly invasive with my medical history in the past- seriously, who asks their son’s girlfriend about her bowel habits at a family function?) But, because of that, he thinks they think that I just don’t want to be around them. (not entirely wrong, but besides the point…) Part of me wants to call ‘bullshit’ on that too, seeing as his mom knows I have POTS and she’s a nurse, so she can put two and two together; but whatever.

He and I have jointly decided that he should take his parents out (breakfast or something) and tell them a little bit about what’s going on. Not the really embarrassing parts, but how sick I really am, and how hard doing simple things is for me; so that they’ll hopefully understand that I’m not simply avoiding his family. I’m hoping that this will improve the situation a little bit. (I’m also hoping he’ll remind them of all the things I’ve been going out of my way to do despite the fact that they’re making no effort at all. Hey, I can dream right?)

In the meantime, I just sent out a “Congratulations” card for boyfriend’s sister’s graduation…I’m going to keep trying. 23 months ago