feel my feelings and not flee my feelings

it paves the way for self discussion and that leads to clarity and moving on

It’s almost as simple as:

Yup I cut my finger
It hurt like hell
I bled a lot
-because I was on blood thinners
I could have avoided it if I had been more cautious
-but I was tired and in a hurry

I won’t do that again
-if I can help it

But you know what…
it wasn’t the end of the world afterall
-and I learned a thing or two in the process

... must be due to my innate personality…

what is one going to do?... accept it and absorb it, that’s what!

It’s kind of amazing to me… stumps me really… that my heart being broken by a less than 5yr relationship has affected me more and longer than losing someone I’ve loved (like a mom) for decades.

Now, where’s the logic in that?

I wonder if the element of surprise – hence my preparedness has anything to do with this discrepancy?

Francine passed away after a 20 struggle with cancer… and 2 years ago when she went on oxygen full-time, I knew that was a sign of time being precious.

The loss feels the same – yet it’s not: I’d love to yap it up with Francine again, but not with my ex.
Still deep down the loss of my ex affects my daily life more!

Since I live so far away from my relatives, over the years, I’ve conditioned myself to distance myself from the pain of losing a loved one.

Well today Francine, someone very much like a second mother to me when I lived in France, lost her 20 year battle with cancer… I’m feeling it and not throwing myself into something else to “not feel it”.

I’m glad for her; she’s not suffering anymore – no more oxygen tanks for mere survival, but I do so wish I could have seen her again this coming April once more.

Her holidays were great and that’s what counts. She was able to spend them with all her 5 girls, their spouses and her 4 great-grand-children.

Now she’s with Bernard, her husband who paved the way 6 years ago, after a long struggle himself.

Boy could those 2 party up a storm. Those are memories I will treasure.

throw one off for a loop.

Here I thought I was on a recovery path and all of a sudden I’m almost back to square one. Almost being the key word. There’s no undoing the growth I’ve assimilated, thank God for that. But the whirl-wind frenzy happens never-the-less.

I guess recognizing that it is a frenzy is a step in the right direction.

It’s amazing how just writing stuff down allows you to look at an issue with a different perspective.

How differently we perceive things years later. Must be what personal growth is all about.

It’s a lot easier to forgive yourself and move on when you can think rationally.

It’s about time I figured some of this out.

This letting go of old crap that has been haunting me is pretty damn healthy… the emotional drain of the process is SO worth it.

to my past patterns of fleeing?

It seems that “Perfectionists often focus on only one area of their life to the exclusion of others”.

So if it hurts and I perceive it as failing, I wipe it out and move on to something else?

Once my “I want it done yesterday” attitude was replaced by my “it’s OK to feel this way, to be going through this – so you’re not perfect” new attitude, things lightened up considerably.
Either this attitude change enables me to see things a little more clearly or maybe I’m able to think more rationally since the pain has subsided a bit. Either way it’s not all uphill anymore.

It took me half a day to figure out what was upsetting me so yesterday (my ex already seeing someone else so soon). I guess it’s sooner than I would have realized it before, hence better?

I never thought that balling my eyes out would help as much as it has.

Of course I’m getting low on tissue, but my sinuses are much clearer.