my body is jammed and needs to unwind. but my mind is furrowing its brow too over some news. The old life. sigh. nothing I can do there. but get angry or get so hopelessly sad. And hopeless sadness is not the same as grieving sadness with hope. I have finally talked to God a bit about it, asking what to do. Give up on them all? everyone? Give up and instead pray? Stand up and try to rescue the world again? Risk irreparable damage to other beloved people because they won’t choose otherwise? I have already moved away from two different friendships because each ones marriage problems were not something I could handle. I wasn’t the right one to help, and I didn’t want my insensitive anger and emotion to spill out into their already chaotic lives. But this is different.

I’m depending on them less, missing them at heart less too. But what’s my role here? can anyone tell me? I’ve walked away from him, but what about them? Aren’t they the ones who kept me there longer? Aren’t they the ones I really had to choose to leave. Leaving the jerk was just a no-brainer. Which was good because at times I look back at think that’s exactly what I had to try that hard that long. But I can’t let anger guide me now, I left because GOD rescued me out. So it’s got to be Him that shows me again how to handle all of this.

_{but it hurts a tiny bit. things I fought so so so hard for. when I should have been out having fun in life, and experiencing the wonders of it all. instead I fought. I stayed back. I stayed in. and they are letting it all go to pot now that I’m gone. they feel they have an excuse. and all I can say is, what do you want your lives to be? can’t you see? it’s your choice. Every living soul out there, you have a choice. What do you want your life to be?}

and then _{I get sad, and scuff my toe in dirt lamenting, what does it all matter. I’m writing online to the general population of anyone with internet access. Astronauts in space could be reading this for all I know. and as my life expands in some ways here, and I am more real and honest in it, people could easily trace me from RL. At least I think so. and it makes me want to delete my account since editing it all would be oh so much work. and it makes me wonder why I even write on here. and write like my heart is connected to the keys instead of my arms and hands and fingers between it. I write to be honest. but does that matter. does it make a difference. and does it matter if it does? all I know now is that I matter. my happiness. my life. my desires and dreams. I’m allowed to have desires and dreams. and I want to set about tasking to it. to seeing it all bloom into fruition in my life now and experience. It’s not all a bad thing. I haven’t even mentioned the word health in all of this I think. and that makes it a very very good thing.}

God, I don’t know what I need right now. I am trying to seek You somehow to ask. Even if my heart is indifferent. I’m not asking You to be understanding, because I’ve seen You are. It’s Your choice, if You are, You are. But I am asking, just for further guidance and a bit more of the path before me cleared and made a bit wider and easier to breath in. You’ve given me a new life, now I want it in motion, living. I think. I’m cold. Better sign off. 6 minutes until the task I’m waiting on is completed. (drums fingers)

sleep would be good, and routine, and something else I do not know. but there it is. not in the flow of it all to know that tomorrow could go well. just tripping over rocks and divots. (wow, who on earth knew divot was spelt that way?!) I am doing well overall. so that’s not what’s wrong. maybe I’m just not doing well enough on enough as fast enough as I want. that might be likely it. but why would I care how fast I am going when I’m moving after not being able to for so long. A TON is happening, and it’s not completely overwhelming. so do I want to feel overwhelmed for some reason? or what?! 2 minutes remaining and by the time I spelt that word correctly it’s likely 1 minute now.

_{thinking….. why do I want it all settled and ready, right now? It’s been months of living unsettled. so why now? it’s more than the health problems isn’t it? Isn’t it a wanting to come back to life? to move forward with a life I have never gotten to explore and live so freely before? no, I feel trapped at that thought. so what. is. it?
20 seconds. and complete. now to shut it off, shut this off, and see if I find the answer to my questions after I shut off my brain for the next few hours. sure dreamed a lot last night, so we’ll see.}

musing, pondering, soon to be sleeping hopefully,
- eff 3 weeks ago

So I don’t want to live with today. There. lol I finally got out of the rut, cooked, cleaned, am clean lol, etc. _{but…. I still don’t really want to do anything.} There are pest problems to keep in check (narrowed eyes and nasty faces at maintenance crew, not that I’d actually do that, but I feel it sometimes!), and there are yes, more health appointments to be gotten through. can I whisper a secret here since it’s the entire world wide internet and no one will ever read it, right? sigh.

_{is it enough? i say i can’t do more because of my health. but is it enough to use my health to solve the problems it’s under? i’m lonely sometimes and not just for people, for a life. and i’m not really a person who needs to be lonely. I’m likable enough, funny enough, sweet enough, a little too kind sometimes, I do worry sometimes too, but I’m kind of exceptional in at least a few ways. Yet something traps me, or maybe it’s somethings plural. and I fight. to find it, to endure it, to live under it’s weight and oppression. But I feel like people look and say, “what has she to show for it?” And the truth is, people are probably so busy and happy being busy in their own lives, I’m nothing more than a fleeting memory of a thought sometimes. I’m the charitable moment in their day where they think of oh poor eff, we do like her, now back to our lives. lol}

the thing is….. I don’t want to think anymore. to sort out if I’m the one feeling this way and projecting it on others or what is reality of the situation from people’s standpoints. oh I don’t know. See. I just don’t want to figure it out anymore. I just want to live. yet i feel i don’t know how. i hope in my deepest precious places in my heart, _{that maybe…. maybe if I just keep waiting it out… just keep waiting… eventually I will recharge even more and be able to fake life again for at least a bit.} and that, seems like it would be such a relief. :( not a cure, but more than I have now. so it seems somehow.

well I got stuck thinking for awhile and stopped writing. I feel I know what I want. As always, to get rid of the pressures so I can maybe move on in life, and after a few major ones are lifted, then to have the dream of doing what I want with life. Having the means to on every level. Financial, confidence, skill, knowledge, education, blah blah blah… you get the idea I can’t eloquently express right now.

i dunnno. i really dunno. but i want something more. something more than searching for the answers. and that’s different for me. very different. better sleep now if I can. :S

A kind soul cheerbombed me majorly a bit ago, and as I reread through some of the entries cheered, I got reflective. What a life it’s been. This new one I mean. Not even a full year into it, and yet. Can it be? Are the changes I think are settled really so? I hear myself deftly react in situations that would have caused violent shaking and crying before. Well it seemed like it to me anyway. God gave the strength, then in the moments, and then throughout to make it a more steadying strength in me. My brain is fuzzing, and I should move forward with life. I need to live right now the way I have been trying. I’m stuck in my day(s). Recovering from last week’s big events, and that’s not bad really. It’s just coming out of it that’s always a bit helter-skelter I guess. Learning to walk again and be sure you really have fully recovered. I don’t know. I’m tired. I need to get through a bath, cook so I have food on hand, handle the pest issue, and enjoy feeling the way I could if I had all that done already. I want my place to have more color in certain areas, and more space and organization in others. I want to get crafty in the kitchen again, and I want to make a few long-eyed purchases if possible. And I’d like to maintain this and take my level of okayness and settledness to another small level higher even as or before I move forward with more health investigations, tests, and proceedings. It’s a new season, almost another, and I want to enjoy all the relaxing freeing smiling wonderfulness of it.

Help me find the catalyst, Lord, and be more than okay since I could be.
Love, – ef f4 weeks ago

wow. i’ve done a ton. I’m going to bed now. 1 month ago

And talking it out with someone today helped me process some of it. As I just prepared to say what I needed to the person creating this situation, I calmly started out, “so, these are my boundaries, and my boundaries are:” and what came out next was, “HELL NO!!!!“

LOL!

_{please excuse the language. that’s just what came out.}1 month ago

sweep the floors
maybe spray pest control stuff
go through closets and sort out the stuff to give away
float to music briefly
maybe call about a church event
live with the day at that point, enjoying my evening quietly here.

it’s not been a bad day, but yesterday ended so rough. And today shortly after a decent start, the jerk called to leave a message. I suppose I should find a better name for him. The confused jerk, the lost jerk, dunno. and so that started a poem writing bout. There are now new lyrics to “Because You Loved Me.” let me know if anyone would like to read the diatribe. lol I worked on an other poem from months ago. the little butterfly one. guess that was almost a year ago now. I did eat well and stretch and do one therapy. But time to set up all the vitamins for the week, and see what else I need do for the day.

Father God? I’m tired of getting zapped and singed like this. I’m out of the awful place. I’m away from there. There is so much I’ve let go off, and so much You have helped me TO let go off. I know I still have work for us to get through. something like that. But, I hate feeling vulnerable in my heart and life like this. It’s scary to live when you don’t know how to handle it. I’m not there yet. I’m better, but I don’t have the life skills to live out there. I’m only learning to live in here a bit better. sigh. You know. I know You know. Help me trust. Not blindly. no never blindly. But seeing all You have shown me.

with love,
and hoping to have faith,
- still searching after more and more freedom…. even while feeling the breeze of freedom given and found and carrying her this far. 1 month ago

my day was not as expected. Hey, my life isn’t! :) But it was good. and maybe I will say the same of it all some day. Optimistic words, right?

As my computer overheats and my rooms is toasty lol, I am winding down for the day. Already washed my face, flossed, and brushed. Just have to turn down the covers, and tuck into bed. Thank You, God, that today went so well. I even learned a few more things to help my health. Right now I’m ready to take my world my storm. Clean, unpack a million things, decorate, re-vamp, live with major style lol and panache, cook, plan a party, and even do some of the nastier paperwork and appointment scheduling that’s a must.

But tomorrow will come, and I don’t know what will come with it. How I will feel. I’ve slept an awful lot lately, and that seems to have been the only answer outside of praying. Those two things, sleeping and praying. odd. I’ve never been at a place like that before that I can think of. There are always other things that help.

just glad something really is.

so, no worries that I won’t get all my things done tomorrow. Today was good. and I’m glad I can go to sleep smiling and not crying. Some level of happy on the inside instead of fearing the sobs. I don’t know but I feel I have a tad bit of a plan. shrug/sigh. There is no easy way through this. But there is a way through it, and that’s what I’m praying. God, You got to get me out of this.

not easy to let go of a good day. one that held relief and gratitude for how it went. but maybe I can dream instead. :) not of people and places, but of my own dreams for once. and what those might be. what outfits I might want to wear, how I might want to try doing my hair, what new ways to try makeup, or how to unpack more or settle in more. I don’t know. but I need to trust God as I sleep. HE’S getting me through. It’s Him helping. and that needs to be my focus because it’s the Truth. and only the Truth sets free….

and freedom is my word, you know! ;) 2 months ago

and get back my life here after an hour of something trying to take it away.

so!

I am realizing by being choosing_freedom first, that was how I got to be embracing_freedom_gradually. Because, you have to choose freedom first in order to be ABLE to embrace the freedom you gain. :)

wonder what possibly wonderful new things I can learn on this journey of discovering freedom. :)

- cf/efg

(((((((((((cf/efg))))))))))))))))) just needed a hug, and I’m learning to be there for myself when I can be. because I should be, and it’s well, rather convenient to say the least! lol :) 3 months ago

and I am not happy.
so going to try to be.
because there is a lack of a lot of bad.
and that’s good, right?

time to try and move a long if possible….

~just lonely I guess. not really that cold. and not really all that hungry. so it must be lonely. I can do single things and say, “We SHALL be thrilled to be alone!!” and that can work. but today? i just want to realize that again, i don’t think I want to be alone in life. and I can’t tell, but I think that’s a feeling that’s been changing in me for awhile. getting settled in me more? I don’t know. but in a lot of ways, I’m stronger in who I am. and in others, well I don’t think on those things.

so.

will move along ‘til the night, and embrace my day right now. it’s an in between time, I think… and it helps maybe to see that.

- efg 3 months ago

but what a day!
oddle-lolly!!!

one appt. went well. I was glad I mentioned the therapies hurt last time afterwards for awhile. (I think I scared the guy though lol) Because he then was very very cautious. But, hey, I think that made a difference. I didn’t hurt as much afterwards. So we’ll see how I do over the next few days.

Then came home to deal with the one repair man so the equipment is ready for when my trainer can come. (mixed bag of feelings over if the trainer will come or not lol. excited, neeeervous, ah!, overwhelmed, excited again. lol) This guy took forever, but part of that was my not knowing how to shoo him along. He was helpful too. Honestly wanted to be, but then sometimes I wonder if I read people correctly. If I was male, would he have been as helpful? And is that a bad thing (in terms of integrity) or is it just a natural normal thing (guys treat women differently than each other). I don’t know. Sometimes I just don’t know how people view me. But I did act in ways that I felt comfortable. Distanced myself or left the room for awhile etc. Anyway, I’m tired, enough over-analyzing. I got some useful information for the future and for if/when/if lol I get back into my field. Hadn’t realized how much had changed, and it was probably really quite helpful info. No, I can’t do all he said. My health can’t handle that, whatever. But it still gives me the direction, and a much better one at that. More accurate to what I think I’d want anyway. So. that was good. Almost worth the exhaustion of it taking forever.

Now I’m unwinding finally. Got my kettle on the stovetop ready to whistle to me before too long I hope. And then maybe I can get to sleep early (ha!). i said maybe.

I am tense from that whole visit. It’s just hard when you’re tired and then have to interact with a stranger for that long. Do you be on guard? Do you be polite? Do you be hostess? Do you be distant since it IS a stranger? Do you take the opportunity to discuss your field with someone wiser than you? Do you what?! So, I did all of the above. lol

_{where to go from here. ho hum. not a bad thing. but not sure. lots and lots of thoughts in me brain this quiet hour. conversations with loved ones, all so different and in such diverse situations. contact with the ‘good news’ person who is going through a horrible situation and wants to know why I pulled back….um, I suppose you just blocked out the conversation where I told you why? sigh. dunno what to do there. People want me to move back to where I escaped from. Before you say unfathomable, let me say even I was thinking that. now you can say it. lol I keep saying I need to reread journal entries and entries on here, so I remember all the reason I left. I remember some, but there are a lot or at least key ones I can sense I completely forget. :( and then there’s health. and then there’s several loved one’s healths and varying issues. and then there’s my career and finishing up what I was trying to do for so long, but can I? I don’t want to, but what I don’t want to do more than that is delve into health. it needs it. I know. but I don’t want to. stomp. lol so I’d rather go back headlong and headstrong into my career and see how far I go before crashing and burning again. and sigh if it wouldn’t be that long I think. :( but on the flip side.}

there is good. I feel well enough anyway to see it. Haven’t cried for awhile if feels. and that feels really really really good. can’t say how much. (Actually it looks like it’s been not even a week, but you better believe I’m taking it and making the absolute MOST of it!) because I am. I really truly am.

Happy moments lately:

staying up all night reading kids books because I needed to.
forgetting the world viciously to do so. and being able to.
a snafu in a computer system being resolved with my gaining something unexpected and free from it!
cups of tea and drinking so much of it lately.
eating what I can while I can and enjoying it. _{forget the future for health. for now, I’m eating and enjoying the ability and time.}
for wearing something new… even if it’s not my taste per se.
for laughing like a pair of college girls with my closest sister.
for laughing several days in the midst of horrible times for each of us.
for watching TV together. :) and hanging out.

okay. enough listing. tired now. to finish my tea and take tomorrow slowly and happily. I will not let my happiness fade. I know levels are changing in me again, and that makes me SO angry that no doctors are paying attention to the h. I’ll have to live with when and as they change. so frustrating. but I want to hold on to happiness for as long as I can. i really do. so i will for as long as I can. and for now?
the sun was shining :) and my place is looking nicer. and I feel more at home here. and tomorrow I’m taking the day off and watching old movies and enjoying living here. no pressure, but that also means no worries because doing that IS moving forward for right now.

a little confused, but just a lot percolating in me I guess,
- efg 3 months ago

lol 3 months ago

And I am thankful for:

green tea
milk :)
friends
time with friends
prayer for wisdom and then being guided
the waterfront even if it’s not as pretty right now
getting to go there again if briefly
lavender and that I do love it
warmth
whole raw food that fills you up
sunshine
dancing (I pushed yesterday just a bit, so I’m surprised I was still able to dance so much just now lol)
my crazy fun personality that lies dormant all to often, but I love seeing come out to play. lol
remembering one of my most favorite memories and how that inspired me.
how much I loved that memory – one of the best in my life actually.
how much fun that makes me feel today right now.
that I perked up after feeling tired.
for a quick phone call to setup appointments, and it was easy overall.
for being able to wait 3x today until I was ready and able to interact with people. pushing myself to otherwise is always really rough on me.
(i hope I remember to keep doing that. stepping back 3 steps when needed.)
for my neighbor flirting with his wife. :) appropriately, just cute.
for the arms of a 5 year old around my neck because they hadn’t forgotten me.
for a tiny hand waving sweetly to see me.

truly,
- efg <3 3 months ago

my heart is heavy and I’m not sure why. I got so much done earlier this week, but then it went downhill. I hurt in one way, my healing injuries still annoyingly hurt another, my heart feels sad a little and stooped. I want a family again and someone to matter to and who matters to me. I almost made stupid choices because of that in allowing the wrong people back into my life. Can you believe I even thought of visiting back ‘there’ again. The place I spent the last bit of strength I had to leave.

My doctor wants to try some experimental things. He only means to help, but I just don’t know. I’ve come so far and am stronger and better in so many ways. And yet, I am more beaten up and fragile (yeck) than before in a lot of ways too. What’s normal anyway?

Does anyone know? Everyone just says whatever normal is… it’s apparently not me. :( I’m sure even a prized peacock wishes she was a sparrow sometimes. sigh. I need to cook. and see what happens. tomorrow will come with whatever that is. New physio place, road construction that might be problematic, having to ask more people for even more help. Managing it all. Wanting to cry on someone’s shoulder so that I don’t end up having to cry at all and find I’m so alone when I do. But no shoulder is available. That’s my imagination or someone’s anyway trying to make my heart’s wishes come true somehow. oh help if I am ever delirious in public…. who knows what I will do. :( I always had such control over myself in life. such. and these health issues changed it. all. True, I had to face me. And change her. and understand her. In some ways I have more control than before. But in others, oh I hate weakness so much. I hate not being happy being alone in life, because if you’re not happy and then you end up hurting or in pain…. you end up sad and not wise. you aren’t discerning in who to choose as friends because you are desperate for anyone. you aren’t careful in detail on how you conduct yourself, because part of you doesn’t care about anything anymore. and…. even if a good person stops to help you, you are vulnerable to trust in them too much after that.

where did that all come from. dunno. i just know my heart is heavy tonight and it’s stooped a bit. and a good word, and love, and my muscles not to feel the way they do – that would all lift my spirits. I’m not in a pit of despair or anything, I’m just carrying lead around in my spirits enough to keep me from doing anything that matters. :( sigh indeed.

-efg and her lead balloon 3 months ago

_{I miss you….and I hope someday we meet.}

to be honest. I would almost settle for the hope of you. I know I am worth loving, I just do not believe anyone else in this life will ever find me and think the same thing. (oh, and be someone of honor and still be able to act on that.) I don’t know why my chance feels gone, but so it does…. _{so it does…}4 months ago

to take a nap
shut the window
talk with a friend
have a cup of green tea

see about help in picking up something I need before 5pm tomorrow.
see about doing something with friends to hang out. today or tomorrow.
perhaps do something musical.
go out to church.

do acupressure 2x.
not sure what else. but that’s okay. been post-poning resting for far too long. already got a lot done today. called for repairs, paid a bill, opened up 2 parcels, washed dishes, listened to a message/sermon/talk, journaled, prayed, ate. and something else. girlie, go rest NOW!!!!

GO!
ok.
lol
shakes head,
- efg 4 months ago

• my doctor.
• the silliness and similarities with a work friend.
• the kindness of both connecting and not even realizing it yet.
• family. and the good parts of it.
• a friend returning to what he loves doing after 7 years away due to health problems. I am so thrilled for him.

• food. the ability to eat as much as I do, and as much variety right now.
• happiness and the freedom to dabble in it.
• the hope of fun things I truly hope I get to do this weekend.
• this list.

didn’t sleep enough, so hoping a nap will help me pursue the rest of this weekend with aplomb and panache! :D and apparently people who can understand what I’m saying…. including myself. :P lol 4 months ago

I’m whipped. it wasn’t bad, just something unexpected happened, and I find I’m really tired. like really tired. so I guess I’ll rest, eat, and watch something. and then put everything else away and try to cook, oh and change the sheets. laundry will have to wait until tomorrow I believe. all in all, it could have been worse. but still it throws a kink in an already uneven phase of life. whew. better rest.

“always choose freedom. Always.” 4 months ago

Woke up actually feeling better than I have been. But had some odd dreams. I was grateful to wake up to quiet and none of those people stress here. The feel of weekends is so different I think it would feel different even if I was a recluse without a calendar in the backwoods or jungles somewhere.

In hopefully another half hour, one big stressor will be over. A few huge things have hung over from the last year. One was the freezer chest. :) I have to make room for extra ice cube trays though hmmm. Another is right now being sorted out I trust? and then that will leave a few less than before. :)

will need to eat well tonight as today just really wiped me out. I think I was rebounding for the first time this morning and after today’s ongoing slow drain….. oddle lolly indeed.

to get something nutritionful (lol), and to chop up the onions for it. 4 months ago

the topsy-turvy time the end of the year can be. I don’t have plans for the new year, plans that mean a good job and steady progress on what I’ve been working on for the last 10 years of my life. nothing that gives one hope that life and real goals are moving forward because there is a date in the new year’s month that has something pinned on it that means the start of progressing forward again in life. I know for health I must wait. I can’t see any other way. I really can’t. except to try and risk failing. but the thing is that I wouldn’t just fail at what I tried, I would fail. My health, my spirit, my recovery, my everything that mattered at the core of me. I’m all in or nothing. I can’t just try to go back to work or finish that goal without giving some of myself to it. I just can’t. and anyone that says I have to change doesn’t know how hard it is and how hard you try not to be that way, and you just are. They don’t have answers for how to live with your personality until you’ve changed it miraculously. and besides, I like some of my traits. It’s good to make things matter and not just let them fill the space called your life. oh. people are always so quick to criticize and tell you what you’re doing wrong. so quick that their voices pierce the membranes of your brain cells and lodge there repeated at times like this.

I don’t know the way out. the way forward. I’m not in a hole, but I don’t know what’s “out.” How do I get where my health is able for me to live again, and yet…. I am living again. more than I was before. oh why on earth!!!!! (whatdoyouknow this will be a rant apparently, haven’t done that in awhile. back to the rant now.) why on earth can’t anyone else see!!!!! WHY isn’t it enough that they are blind and I just move on knowing that. Why can’t I let go of what ‘should’ be and accept what is right now. It’s NOT ALL BAD!!!! It really really really isn’t. I smell new foods I couldn’t eat before. I feel the warmth of being in a place with the things I like in it, not with what I was told I should like. I feel the freedom and if I can only rest would know the peace of not having him or them around. Not having the anger and fear and hate and horror all wrap around you and then have despair settle in for the kill because it tells you this is home and you better accept that it is. well guess what, it wasn’t. and it isn’t. I still don’t know fully how it all happened, but I accepted something I hadn’t before in life and that allowed God to set me free and get me the heck out of there. I’ve been clear I’m not going back. People have adapted. Good and bad things have come of it, but I’ve not been cut off for it as I’d been willing to be. really, it could be worse. I’d planned to cut all ties and make it on my very very own without a soul in the world. and with my health and personality for liking people sometimes lol that would have been really really hard for me. But the support I still receive CANNOT be a chain still tied to my ankle. It can’t be. and I think I was feeling it was. It’s a gift of them not wanting to let go, but it doesn’t have to be a chain I drag with me. I set my own terms once and they fought and finally adapted (though that pattern still ensues on small levels, still, my terms have stood). I’m here after all and not there. I don’t keep in touch with him. etc. So.

_{i guess what i should feel then? is to let go of their love supporting me still in any way. accept it…. to move on not to hold me back. I left and they chose to still accept me. but they did not help me make that choice. I was the one who did. I was the one who signed the papers. I was the one who relied on other people to help me. not them. People that were there for ME not for them. for MY life. not our life. and that’s what I must follow.}

My life. not our life. so, luv, what does that mean? what do you want to do and pursue? you, all encompassing, the feeling sick you, the health pressed you, the gently loving you, the smiling and creative you, the one that loves to dreams and think big huge exciting ideas, the one that needs to go slow in life, but still can embrace beauty and many simple good things, the you that wants to. the you who wants to do what she can now with her life so that when she is stronger she can go back to doing those dreams. but instead is pursuing other dreams now because she only has one life and so much of it. she wants to fill these days with dreams from later until she can go back to living current dreams and seeing them to fruition. I don’t want to waste my life. I want to enjoy every minute of it and if that means changing the order of how my life plans and life dreams get ful-filled, well, I’m thanking God that that’s an option and one He showed me. if that’s the case.

I’m tired and worn and trying to think and write this out because I’ve been getting incrementally more sad over not being able to be where I wanted to be by now. but it’s not giving up. I know that, but still. this has helped me see a bit more. not what are my goals now. but what are my goals in life. not 3 huge ones, but AAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the little ones throughout a lifetime. What are those. and which of them can I live and accomplish and enjoy now.

powerful powerful thought I think. thank You, God if this is the way. still thinking over it more, and maybe with all this quietness in life partly due to a health dip and partly due to the holidays, maybe I can unravel and God can work me through the rest of this so I stand ready and strong enough for the new year still here.

stopped to put my rain CD on and then make a long list of what I really want to do in life. It’s called, “A Life List – no order!” not that I want my life to have no order, but that these are goals that can be lived when they become able/available and not because they were in a certain guided path of order A-Z style.

there. :) okay. now to rest and eat. glad I did that. it feels like spring a bit now. plans, openness, rain pouring, and with the hope of summer coming soon so it’s just ALL wonderful.

the sound of pouring drenching soaking cleansing rain on my CD player.
the smell of recently made chewy tasty pasta…. the smell just lingers in the air wonderfully.
for brownies waiting in my fridge to just be popped in my oven when I’m ready because the oven is cleared and ready too.
for trying something new with them. :) and being able to have the culinary prowess (lol!) or just guts ;) to try out stuff and keep tossing it about and reworking it with abandon. I love love love that! can’t even explain.
for colors. and for the memory of Kate and how she thrilled in life and finding peace and joy in each moment. That’s what it still feels like when rereading old entries of hers.
for the feeling that the future might be okay as I listen to the rain wane to a drizzle. That January and the new year won’t spread out looming in emptiness and loss of direction….

time to eat and watch that movie… me brain needeth carbs!
blinking slowly,
- embracing_freedom_gradually in such a new and different life than I could ever have expected. ♥ 5 months ago

get some of the delicious food I just made, throw together what I want to eat with whatever I do have on hand, and enjoy a nice normal evening while finishing up my movie. Then dreamily take myself to bed and tuck me in for the night. :) this is my new normal, and I like it and want it. It still feels a little odd to wear, but I’m hoping soon it will be as comfortable as the old sweater that is your best friend on a bad day. :) something like that.

should wrap some gifts tonight and get started on that. it will be fun once I start. I just have to start. other than that. it could all be worse. i need to just take it slow, and soak up the quiet, stillness, goodness, and….. peace. that’s what it is I guess _!.... peace.

- efg <3 6 months ago

done a lot, still awake, should have napped, oh well.
will try to stay awake ‘til bed, but only time will tell.
still stuff to do for once you start there always is, you know.
but oodle-lolly! done a lot! and now am….moving….slow….

yawning and blinking,
sleepy smile,
- efg 6 months ago

(okay, the goal is all about not planning and just living with as the day flows, but. here’s a little guiding hopefully in how the day starts to flow anyway. lol :) consider it steering the current or something lol)

want to eat lunch for breakfast: rice I think, leftover chicken, onions, and the last of the spinach, oh :( and the last of the black beans

want to eat breakfast for lunch: :) why? because I can. nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah. (sorry tired. lol) so. milk if it’s still good, cereal, with cinnamon and possibly vanilla powder sprinkled in as well…. maybe. if milk is still good (here’s hoping!) and see this is most likely why I’m switching the meals around. So that I’ve already eaten once before having to find out if the milk is good and I get the second meal or have to be creative with rethinking it. :)

and that. is all that’s on my stomach’s mind! au voir for now!

wondering what this sleepy eyed day will be like. best wishes to each of you for a lovely weekend,
- embracing_freedom 6 months ago

want to cry. I probably won’t. I’m not feeling that emotional, but I want to cry. Because there is so much sorrow, and we haven’t even left my life! You step a bit outside into other peoples and then we will sob because people everywhere hurt. This has plagued my heart since it was a little one in a little child. But my hopes of helping a hurting world aren’t there anymore, not in the same way. I can barely survive how my own has turned out for me. I know I’m doing a lot of the right things. I know I show improvement in a lot of areas. But I can’t help but feel what I alone feel…. like overall, I’m getting worse. That there is an unnamed tiny fear wrecking havoc in my precious body, and it’s all diseasing my spirit and soul. I don’t know. Just checked to see if the new email was from my sister saying we could talk, but nope, just a meaningless one from a big corporation. And my candle flickers as another day dawns, and it blows out no longer needed. And that’s how I feel. I’m flickering in as a new day is dawning in my life, and I know God is here and cares. and I know I should be dead already if it weren’t for Him. and I know that means something. sigh. and I know this health dip always makes it harder to handle the emotions of life, but here I am right?

_{it’s all been said before. everything i’m feeling. everything I’m thinking. just repeats of a lifetime. and I guess what scares me the most is the change in myself. I can’t help but think it’s physical and not just emotional/mental processing from leaving that awful place I was months ago. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe aaaaaaaaaalll that processing is coming into my body and doing something, and maybe it will be good eventually. I just can’t believe that. I feel like we are giving up on the cellular level. That we are no longer fighting because we left that battle realizing it was killing us. But if we’re not fighting then…. then…. my inner voice turns shaky and blinks as it shudders backwards because before it lies no answer but emptiness and that scares me. I’m journaling trying to find a thought I haven’t found yet. (beautiful huh lol at least my writing skills are coming back infrequently) but really. I get tired thinking it all in my head. sigh again. but friends aren’t available and people busy on by, and it almost feels as though they wouldn’t understand even if they would try. it feels like being alone has more layers than I knew, and it feels like being lonely has more dimensions than just through and through. As though I’m learning even still, and yet even more things that are deep, and sad and painful and serious, but you learn the kind of things that keep.}

i guess i’m just tired. and i wish i knew it would all be okay and within my lifetime here. and not at the end of it. i will cry so hard when certain people pass on, and I’ll know they never got to see me well again. i don’t know. that thought surprisingly affects me differently than I’d have imagined it would. you know? sometimes I really am okay with being within a quiet, small, world watching the world through a snowglobe and letting everything else happen without me. I don’t always feel I fit in. There were time I never did. and yet i love people. I love being laughing and joking and interacting and the spark of just life you can only find in another person’s eyes and genuine smile. sigh. oh I don’t know a lot. that much is clear. for all my wisdom and intellect and experience in the rough ditches of life, there is a lot I still don’t know. and all i will do is sit here watching it snow in my snowglobe and looking only at the world from peripheral view. this post must be worthwhile because i can’t remember much of it, and that could likely mean i unraveled something in here that later will help me unravel the next bit until i have the thought freed that i need so i can know what to do next or how to be okay.

sigh. for now.
- efg 6 months ago

Bold words. But then so’s the bold dress that’s my profile pic right now. I chose that before I could say the title of this post though. I don’t have it all sorted, and this will unravel as it does since it mostly has to do with other people’s lives and that affecting mine… but. God gave me someone to talk to today. One week since I needed them, but at least it’s not 1 month. It took the edge of the horror and trauma I was feeling. I don’t know how this plays out. I still don’t want to communicate or hear from the person this mainly involves. I loved them very much, and I guess I’m surprised to be setting a boundaries and fences for my protection with them. Not that they haven’t been apparent. I knew that. I just didn’t think I would raise those fences. I’d been the one reaching out to rebuild this relationship this whole time, and something real did come from it. (side note, it does amaze me and make me feel more real to see the times that i have really put stuff aside and made a focused effort to rebuild and salvage some kind of relationship with someone. Every time it worked. They really did trust me again. They just still hurt me. But at least they accepted my love, and learned to value something about me, if not me myself. At least this way they DO miss something. lol oh that I hope one day though they would miss me enough to change. Not for me. Maybe that’s what could drive them, but the truth would be they need it for themselves. They are driving everyone away. :( oh well. anyway.) So.

This affects my life a lot, but it can be a good way. When I reach out to someone, I usually over-reach. At least in the past. If I cut that tie and those strings, suddenly I find equilibrium again after the tension plays out and I can just stand again. And I think that would be good. I’ve all but worshiped this person most of my life. I’ve patterned a lot of my life or conformed and adapted because of them, because I loved and respected them. Because I wanted to be just like them. Only. What ended up was that I wanted to be like who they could have been, and I thought they would choose to be. They didn’t. There was a lot of good they did choose. Some of that helped me. But. There was a lot they didn’t choose. And I don’t want that in my life. I want to be different. I really really really really really don’t want to be self-righteous. I don’t want to condemn. I fear I will. Partly because that’s what they’ve always accused people of. partly because I know it’s human to judge unwisely and choose to condemn.

but, girlie, what think you? i think that again it could be good. we don’t have it all figured out. but oh how much fun!!!! would it be to let everyone go? Let the room you are in be empty of everyone else but you. Maybe you could sense God there better then too. but anyway. I digress. not going to solve it all in one night or day. but I’m glad and thankful and relieved at least one strong real bit to have talked and found out as much as I did just now.

After I reframe one relationship, it gives me that one to have restored to me. After I understand more the boundaries and fences I need with the other person, the main one in this, then maybe I can be free from the stress of being there and not be allowed to be me. I guess I see that now. The reason I felt they didn’t see me was that they couldn’t accept the part of me that doesn’t like that they do, and so I didn’t parade that part of me around. But it’s real too. I don’t agree with ‘cp’ maybe one day I might, but not today. I don’t agree with being happy-happy-happy all the dang time. I don’t agree with there being silence and not being comfortable with it enough that you have to fill it with excitement. I don’t agree with raising children that way. I don’t agree with worshiping God that way. Will I hate you? no. Will I call you the worst parent or Christian ever? no. Will I miss the amazing abilities and choices you do make? no. But I don’t have to partake in them, and I don’t have to tell you they are okay if I don’t think they are. And it’s wrong for you to make me have to validate them when you know I don’t agree. (note to self: don’t do that to others. I see where I can. yikes.)

But, THANK YOU GOD! such relief even if it’s not all sorted and still a mess. It’s less of a mess for me, and more someone else’s. There could be horror still there. yes. But we’ve processed horror before, and God has healed and rescued before. Some of it is still in the works. Okay a lot of it is. lol But I once was worse, and now am freer than before. That counts for something.

~God, I don’t want to just broom this out the door fast because I’m scared of what it could mean for me. What it would have to take me through could be horrific and traumatic, and I don’t want to go there to those levels of anything bad again. I’m still recovering. But I am recovering somehow. and health aside, and confusion aside, well. i’m going to focus on what’s good. and what’s good is that the tiny frame of people I had in my inner life didn’t lose someone after all I thought I would. what’s good is that even though the other person who everything has changed with was a core part of my life, there’s a lot I’m perfectly okay will letting go in that relationship. and what’s good is that I can stop writing this to death and go eat amazingly awesome food. and I can be me and say what I want without having to hear other people’s inflections or judgments cast. what’s good is that I can do whatever choosing_freedom / embracing_freedom_gradually wants to do in life. right here. where i am.

and I don’t. have. worry. about. what anyone else thinks. not really.

not really
learning is a process,
but I might make it. :D
- efg * 6 months ago

I feel great! Well not great, but just okay inside or something. I feel better than I did. There. That’s more exact. I think I’ve processed through some of the emotional stuff. The first thing kind of forced me into thinking and making clearer decisions for my own future and work etc. Still percolating, but something new’s brewing that wasn’t before at least. lol :) The ‘good news’ I’m just trying to stay away from. It’s the last newest things to have to work through, and I’m still working. That could pull me down still.

But I slept long last night, had a delightful breakfast, and even though I’m getting cold and tired typing this, I still breathe a bit freely and fully. I feel grateful without feeling the guilt that often comes with that feeling. I’ve eaten good food I cooked myself and actually wanted to eat this morning. Looked up some recipes and realized just how many wonderful awesome things I’d love to try – there’s a whole host of them!! :)

so here is what’s making me grateful for now:

- so many great recipes and the hopes of making them and the fun! so many benefits. you get to be creative, you get to try something other people have and see if it turns out when you make it. you get to see beauty throughout the stages of mixing and chopping and whatnot. and you get to enjoy the smells and warmth. and then…. you get to eat it! :) and it just somehow is more nourishing for you when you know so much about it. it’s not the same as eating something from a plastic store-bought mass-produced container. it just isn’t. not to be a snob lol, those have their place too.

- for lol the brief brain-power I had to write this much though it’s fading now.

- for the hope of music

- for the hope of unpacking even more and settling in. getting structure so I can maximize and regain function. :)

- for my icebox/fridge. without it I couldn’t have so many things in life. I’m really truly grateful for it as it hums away sustaining what will sustain me.

- for a hug, a talk, a drive, local news, and help God provided easily last minute.

- for going to bed earlier than before though still would like it to be earlier.

- for a brand new fresh unfilled day. not just a free day, but a me-day. :) whatever I want to do can be done. I get to cook, clean, play, rest, gab, listen to music, spin music, read, watch movies…. whatever I want at that moment. am I a lucky little thing or what! :D

- for catching up with episodes last night and being able to skip through the parts that freaked me out. lol The rest was really really nice. Some were really well written and directed. I really enjoyed it, and it had been so long really since I’d watched anything. really. which surprises me, but made it that more fun I guess. and then….. I dreamed about some of it too. :D It was so nice. just really really nice and it was only part of my dream. then my dream played out as one of the most familiar dream storylines I’ve ever had, only this time it ran and ended a different way. I woke up wondering lightly if this was another emotional release that my life has changed. That the worries I’ve always always had are changing and I’m finding the answers to cope with how things are. That leaving some things behind in life really was again the answer. anyway, not sure this is coming out right, but it was good I think. We’ll see when I dream again like that, and if the same plot has a different twist and ending again.

well got distracted with other things…. wrote this hours ago lol will post anyway. looks to be a lazy day. partly because it’s not a beaming sunny one, and unless it is I don’t get enough light in here to do much of anything. so I’ll take it slow, go with it, and still get something done. even if it’s only a day off. :) 7 months ago

weather’s pretty. i’m tired. not sure if I feel good or bad, it’s teetering and likely will all day. have a chance to go to something fun, and I want to take it I think. just have to see how to get there. how to keep from feeling worse so that I can go. answer – take it slow and relaxed. do what’s comfortable. dress in whatever’s easiest. don’t make a thing out of it. live through it to the other side. I need to write up some mail and send it out, and I need to see about that new hairdo…. but i think i need a little break from life to help move it along. it’s a left brain/ right brain thing I think. so.

feeling a bit better just writing this. so there’s a thought in here to make me feel better. now to latch onto it, and let it carry me in it’s pocket through the rest of the day. some thoughts are like gems that glow with life.
-efg 7 months ago

I’ve been slowing down energy-wise. Coordination issues found me breaking one of my favorite pens, but I’m grateful I was not devastated and instead in a mindset just enough to be grateful it was the pen that shattered instead of the glass jar that crushed it. I’ll take cleaning up plastic over glass any day!

So I have my to-do lists taped to my microwave door, and nothing was getting done. I was SO close to making a goal here to take my shower because I just so did not want to. I wanted to be clean without the effort!! lol But it’s done now, and while in two days I’ve only managed two things on my list (that needed to be completely done by now). oh well. I’m doing what I can, and I just need to keep at that.

so why am I writing now? because I’m happy. I watched an old MacGyver rerun, and it was so much fun! ah good times. lol and I need to be thinking outside the box right now too. So I just really enjoyed that more than I thought I would, and it was a nice really nice unexpected surprise.

another nice thing is that one of the storms in life I was expecting just might not be as bad as originally announced. I still don’t want to let down until another storm comes and finds me unprepared, but it’s nice not to be in outright emergency mode. I think things do point towards getting some things in line anyway so I’m prepared whatever way things go in the future. so we’ll see. don’t want to put it off, but it’s really nice not to have it immediately.

{so note to cf/efg – if you reread this, and we haven’t prepared, then make it a goal and check it off within the next 2 weeks.}

so. even though I’m moving very very slow. like zoom there goes a turtle. lol I’m glad to be in a better frame of mind for now. Not facing the rough stuff from the weekend, just letting it focus me more on claiming moving forward. and that only my fatigued body and heart from time to time are to be what make me embrace freedom gradually instead of running into it with arms wide open and smiling as I let it completely and utterly wrap around me. Instead of running right to life and light and happiness and all things good. So maybe I won’t be doing it all the time, but by the same token… from time to time I can and that’s what I still want to choose.

to choose to embrace my freedom now.
~ efg :) 7 months ago

Yesterday’s ta do list read as follows:
ta do:
- Nap
- Cook
- Order prints online
- Wash dishes (frown)
- Do one fun thing I wanted to
- Clean out dresser if at all possible. to feel progress.
- Compile shopping list
- Start thinking about this week’s schedule

and. what, you may ask, did I get done from that list? I never made it past “nap.” LOL!!!!

today I cooked and washed the dishes. time to nap again, and then we’ll see about compiling a shopping list and ordering the prints before the sale ends. still feel unsure and a bit unsettled. well hey, the whole place is still unsettled unless I go for decorating with cardboard boxes. so. guess we’ll keep breathing and seeing how it happens.

Edit: okay, so now, I’ve ordered the prints! :) Made some official changes with having moved away (gulp, mixed reactions, but whatever, it’s done! that’s good I think). and compiled list, just need to contact someone about something on it. So. :)

Left to do: do something fun!!! wooohooo!! I’m thinking watching an old favorite movie, part of a Disney cartoon from childhood, or getting out a current novel to read perhaps, or I could paint my toenails this is true. sorry, tmi. :) and then, clear dresser maybe, test meds for sensitivity, oh we’ll see. less planning, more living it. oh and keep praying about this week’s schedule. different opportunities coming up and need clear direction to see the way through what should stay and what needs to be let go off trying to be fit in.

more later,
- efg and grateful to be here. not easy, but not like before. at all. 8 months ago

- Nap
- Cook
- Order prints online
- Wash dishes (frown)
- Do one fun thing I wanted to
- Clean out dresser if at all possible. to feel progress.
- Compile shopping list
- Start thinking about this week’s schedule

did already :)
- prayed and spent time with God really talking to Him.
- saw Him answer one prayer already. lol
- hugged someone
- got a gift
- was given fellowship
- ate a lot
- ate diversely
- treated to dessert which I am doing more often now. hm. lol :)
- was so glad I spent time last night when stressed to re-shape my eyebrows instead with confidence that I could. Also curled my eyelashes after washing my face for the night, and that helped them look better today when I need them too. both gave me confidence and beauty when I needed it and didn’t have to time to do anything else to my appearance.
- wore clothes that matched (_{lol some days it’s the little things})
- journaled. :) in a real life journal with pages and pen. :)
- shared something I loved and was able to with little kids.
- saw myself set boundaries again and again. God’s help so evident in that and after I just read stuff about that last night too.
- that my hair happened to look done since I opted to make it less of a bother today.
- that I killed something nasty. :(
- that I stopped 3 different times to notice beauty and let the stillness of it wash over me.
- that I’m not alone more in some way. people offered to help and I took them up on it. somehow though it was a good thing this time. I think.
- and now….. I need to rest. :) 8 months ago