my body is jammed and needs to unwind. but my mind is furrowing its brow too over some news. The old life. sigh. nothing I can do there. but get angry or get so hopelessly sad. And hopeless sadness is not the same as grieving sadness with hope. I have finally talked to God a bit about it, asking what to do. Give up on them all? everyone? Give up and instead pray? Stand up and try to rescue the world again? Risk irreparable damage to other beloved people because they won’t choose otherwise? I have already moved away from two different friendships because each ones marriage problems were not something I could handle. I wasn’t the right one to help, and I didn’t want my insensitive anger and emotion to spill out into their already chaotic lives. But this is different.
I’m depending on them less, missing them at heart less too. But what’s my role here? can anyone tell me? I’ve walked away from him, but what about them? Aren’t they the ones who kept me there longer? Aren’t they the ones I really had to choose to leave. Leaving the jerk was just a no-brainer. Which was good because at times I look back at think that’s exactly what I had to try that hard that long. But I can’t let anger guide me now, I left because GOD rescued me out. So it’s got to be Him that shows me again how to handle all of this.
but it hurts a tiny bit. things I fought so so so hard for. when I should have been out having fun in life, and experiencing the wonders of it all. instead I fought. I stayed back. I stayed in. and they are letting it all go to pot now that I’m gone. they feel they have an excuse. and all I can say is, what do you want your lives to be? can’t you see? it’s your choice. Every living soul out there, you have a choice. What do you want your life to be?
and then I get sad, and scuff my toe in dirt lamenting, what does it all matter. I’m writing online to the general population of anyone with internet access. Astronauts in space could be reading this for all I know. and as my life expands in some ways here, and I am more real and honest in it, people could easily trace me from RL. At least I think so. and it makes me want to delete my account since editing it all would be oh so much work. and it makes me wonder why I even write on here. and write like my heart is connected to the keys instead of my arms and hands and fingers between it. I write to be honest. but does that matter. does it make a difference. and does it matter if it does? all I know now is that I matter. my happiness. my life. my desires and dreams. I’m allowed to have desires and dreams. and I want to set about tasking to it. to seeing it all bloom into fruition in my life now and experience. It’s not all a bad thing. I haven’t even mentioned the word health in all of this I think. and that makes it a very very good thing.
God, I don’t know what I need right now. I am trying to seek You somehow to ask. Even if my heart is indifferent. I’m not asking You to be understanding, because I’ve seen You are. It’s Your choice, if You are, You are. But I am asking, just for further guidance and a bit more of the path before me cleared and made a bit wider and easier to breath in. You’ve given me a new life, now I want it in motion, living. I think. I’m cold. Better sign off. 6 minutes until the task I’m waiting on is completed. (drums fingers)
sleep would be good, and routine, and something else I do not know. but there it is. not in the flow of it all to know that tomorrow could go well. just tripping over rocks and divots. (wow, who on earth knew divot was spelt that way?!) I am doing well overall. so that’s not what’s wrong. maybe I’m just not doing well enough on enough as fast enough as I want. that might be likely it. but why would I care how fast I am going when I’m moving after not being able to for so long. A TON is happening, and it’s not completely overwhelming. so do I want to feel overwhelmed for some reason? or what?! 2 minutes remaining and by the time I spelt that word correctly it’s likely 1 minute now.
thinking….. why do I want it all settled and ready, right now? It’s been months of living unsettled. so why now? it’s more than the health problems isn’t it? Isn’t it a wanting to come back to life? to move forward with a life I have never gotten to explore and live so freely before? no, I feel trapped at that thought. so what. is. it?
20 seconds. and complete. now to shut it off, shut this off, and see if I find the answer to my questions after I shut off my brain for the next few hours. sure dreamed a lot last night, so we’ll see.
musing, pondering, soon to be sleeping hopefully,
- eff 3 weeks ago