Defeat depression

I think it’s seasonal depression, because I’m feeling pretty good now. I’ve been eating lighter and exercising more and forcing myself to drink teas and water. Also doing COLONIX which, I am liking. On the Colonix site in the testimonials section, there is a man who explained how this product got rid of his depression. Interesting. Maybe many of us just have stagnant poop depression.

I had been doing good lately with not having the suicidal thoughts. But last night it hit me again. I was just sitting at my laptop loading music on to my iPod, I listened to Tyra B’s song “Givin’ me a rush” (which I am addicted to the sound of). I was feeling good, singing and just chillin out, then I got in bed and tears started running down my face. It shocked me because most times I have the bad thoughts then the tears and last comes the suicidal feelings. But last night i didn’t have the bad thoughts, it just went from happy to tears to wanting to die. I don’t know why exactly, I mean yeah I have been going through a hard time lately and it has been a drain mentally for me, but this came on with no warning at all. It scares me. Plus I know I am never going to kill myself because I’m such a wuss but still, this was just too weird. I kept picturing me hanging myself. I called my doctor already. Because this was wayy to weird.

I’m sitting at my desk in tears right now.
What reason? Well I don’t honestly know, but I feel like a failure.

I think I’ve been depressed and angry since I was a toddler. I have seen counselors here and there but never for more than a few sessions, and have tried a few anti-depressants, but also not for much longer than a few weeks at a time. Always seemed to have a bad reaction. Lexapro just made me want to give up on life altogether! I have felt like I’ve been living in a haze for as long as I can remember, the earliest memory being in 2nd grade. Currently not seeing any doctor but wondering if I should really give it an honest shot. I can barely make it out of bed, I can’t keep my room clean, I never go out anymore, and I feel like there are few people I can turn to. I get little enjoyment out of life. My phone barely if ever, rings. I’m out of touch. I also feel depressed that I can’t seem to find a boyfriend or date, when I used to be able to so easily. I don’t even feel I look that bad, I started working out in October and I feel I look better than I used to. I must just exude the “I’m depressed, don’t bother” vibe. I’m sick of living like this. All I see is negativity, and I’ve been trying to apply the principles of the Law of Attraction, trying to think more positively, and it’s a struggle to do when you’re feeling so down, I end up more frustrated. And I’m a whiner, can you tell?

ummmmm… i don’t know how to start this… all i know is that i’m depressed… i’m taking medication and seems i need more at this point..constantly getting panic attacks to the point that when i am not getting ‘em attacks, i feel very thankful…even little things ruin my day…, i get mad and am mad at my girl for small things all the time, lucky she’s good to me and i know it’s my fault but it happens over and over… everyone tells me how good my life is…, but i don’t see it and i don’t think i ever will… they don’t understand that it’s not my problems that’s causing my depression.. it is because of my depression that i see n feel everything negatively. I need help.

It took lots of relaxation exercises and self-brainwash to get that done, but boy, was it worth it.

Its slipping back in. The random crying. The extreme “lonely” feeling. The dramatic mood swings. It’s funny how I isolate myself, and then I feel like I’m lonely. My “friend” wants me to come over. He’s a guy. And he wants me to come over. Put 2 and 2 together…I’m not in the mood for it. I feel everyone just wants something from me and I feel like just disappearing and not coming back.

When I get depressed I do really very stupid things. My relationships get messed up and I suddenly think that the world just hates me or something. I know that a “happy pill” would make me feel better because I used to take prozac, but I’m not really into taking medication. I prefer to take better care of myself so that I don’t get stuck with high dosages of twelve different medicines for 6 different things. I dunno, it’s just a bad day. I’ll just hope it passes sooner than later.