After finishing graduate school classes last May, anxiety and fear have affected my life like never before.
My old college professor once told me “No one cares what you do until you are 27” Well I turned 27 last August, and thought that I was on the right track, in terms of meeting life’s goals: (career in something I was interested in, a group of friends, a decent relationship with my family, a romantic relationship with a girl I was psyched to be with).
Then the events of the last nine months hit:
1) I found out my dad has had an affair for the past ten years, and that my mom had an affair before that. This has had a big strain on my relationship with my family. I now question the legitimacy of my parent’s values, which has in turn has caused me to second guess the way that I was raised, and a lot of the decisions I have made.
2) I lost my job and my apartment in New York City and have had to move back home to New Jersey.
3) My social life has taken a toll as friends have begun to move away from my town to go off to business/law school, or have entered more serious relationships, or do not hang out as much.
4) A girl that I had fallen in love with decided that she did want to continue to see me, after dating for a little over a year.
These events have caused me to feel depressed and anxious. Most days, I wake up thinking about what my professor said, because the deadline has hit.
My thought process in the morning goes something like this: “I’m 27, the life I have lead has not worked out, and I need to make a change. What am I going to do now?”
In the wake of such a large question, fear, grief, and anxiety have accumulated, affecting my confidence and decision-making process. I feel like the events of the past nine months have made me realize that nothing is for certain anymore, which has caused me to be distrustful and reclusive.
Questions like: “How are you ever going to be able to handle being in a relationship with someone that you are truly attracted to, without letting fear ruin it?” or “Why are you trying to stick out and do something different with your career?” have consistently popped into my head.
To explain this last question: I am a 20-something straight guy working in the fine-arts world. I think its cool that I am doing something that I am somewhat interested in. But my disposition presents a huge challenge for me, as I feel like I do fit the description of someone that generally “fits in”. In my experience, this is a world that is predominately composed of trust-fund children, gay men and women who rely on their spouses or parents for another another source of income. I am none of these.
Furthermore, pursuing a career in the art world was kind of a fall-back decision that was made after failing to get a job working in the music industry. I decided to enter the field as less of a risk: something I could see with long-term prospects (I dont want to be 45 trying to sell music to 15 year olds), and without as much of the cut-throat nature, and desultory behavior of many of the individuals involved in the music business was like.
What I have come to realize, however, is that the fine art-world is not that much different. This is a volatile industry ripe with insecure, unhappy people, because of its circumstances of being a low-paying occupation, with a low chance of financial success, at least in the short term (ten-fifteen years), and general volatility (high job turnover rate) In my case, I have worked in the art world for four years and have never had a job last for more than nine months.
Because of this realization, I have had a hard time figuring out whether or not it makes sense to continue to try to work in an industry that is not a burning interest of mine, or whether it even makes sense to endure such financial and emotional sacrifices to try to continue to do something “interesting” at all. At some point in my life, I would like to raise a family, be financially secure, and be more laid back. Working in the art-world in NYC, at least right now, seems to be the antithesis of that. I make barely enough to support myself and am therefore stressed out, which affects my enthusiasm for the occupation.
Furthermore, my personal character seems to be a hindrance towards working in the fast-paced, high pressure working environment of the culture industries.
I have already had to teach myself to control my sensitivity and have a thick skin, and not take criticism or confrontations personally. I blame my parents for not teaching me this, as arguments and confrontations in my household are constantly blown out of proportion: something that affects my relationships today.
Refining such a skill and controlling my emotions is one thing, especially when dealing with much of the abusive behavior of my superiors in the commercial fine art world. I am proud of myself for being able to get better at this, as I see it as the reality behind the working conditions of not just the art world, but business culture in the US, at large.
What is more difficult to overcome, is the fact that to be successful requires a “Me-first” attitude that is constantly on the look-out for the potential perils ahead, and for what is in one’s self interest. Speaking for myself, to be this way goes against my basic nature—I was raised to be considerate and loving, and sensitive towards other people’s needs.
These are character traits that do not seem to highly valued in the art-world, or the working world at large, for that matter. American society does not value sensitivity, career-wise it is considered to be a weakness (especially for males) as it hinders ones ability to persevere over adversity and triumph over the competition. In layman’s terms: if you are thinking about other people’s needs all the time, you aren’t taking care of yourself, which inevitably leads to failure. As I look at my present circumstances, I cannot think of this as part of the reason why I am in my current predicament.
Such a realization has caused me to resent myself greatly, and furthermore, dislike my parents for the way they raised me. Having a thin skin is one thing. But in addition, I feel like my upbringing has made me into a walking contradiction. I want the same things as any average Joe: beautiful, loving wife, two kids, two houses, etc., but because of my parents (two successful university professors/intellectuals) I have been raised to do it in the most unconventional of ways. How do I be successful, at something that is interesting/stimulating, while remaining nice to people, and taking care of myself at the same time? That’s quite the challenge and it puts a lot of pressure on me.
Right now, I am back home, and have had the luxury of time to think all of these issues over before making the next step. My present quandary is, is that I have so many goals—why should I waste time in this field, when I could be doing something that I would be more passionate about?
I know that the main thing that I have to do first is get back on my feet and get a job, so that I can have the where-with-all to begin to get back to accomplishing these goals. None of these goals are going to be accomplished overnight-they take patience, perseverance, discipline, planning, and a positive attitude. But deep down inside, what is most important is that I know that I am a good person, and while I resent the fact that I feel like a pushover who caves too often, I usually do it because I think its the right thing to do, and that is important because I need to trust myself, regardless of the consequences. I can trust the fact that I have always learned from my experiences, and will make the right decisions, painful or not, in the future. Hopefully, this will lead to everything turning out ok.
