I have been clinically depressed since I was twelve, I have told no one, because my family pretty much abandoned, I was forced to move out when I was 18 on 8 dollars an hour. I’m am slightly overweight and cancer runs though my family, my outer thighs stick out and I can swear I’ve tried for years.
When I was little, 8 years old, I was probably skinnier than most girls my age, but my mom always had my hair cut short so most people thought I looked like a boy. By the age of nine, I moved in with my dad, and my stepmom had a rule, and that was you eat EVERYTHING off your plate, no matter what, if we didn’t we would have to sit there all night and then not even get a drink so by the time we were allowed to leave the table, we were dying of thirst. I went from the skinny looking boy to an overweight child within a year, but every morning I ran a paper route, I’d get up at 1 am in the morning and work until 6 and then get everyone ready for school. After a while, the route made me lose the extra weight, but I stayed at the same weight and height for about 5-6 years, never getting to ever enjoy my childhood. At the age of twelve my mom’s cancer that I never knew she had for my entire life, was strong and she was put into the hospital. Every day on the route we visited her over a span of about a year when finally she died right before my eyes a day before my dads birthday.
I was one of those children their parents made babysit for them, for free, and for hours on end, I never got to go outside and I never went for sleepovers or to camp or to birthday parties, I started hurting myself then, I don’t know why because I never told anyone about it so I didn’t think it was for attention, but I just didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to be a kid when my parents treated me like an adult.
fast forward to recent years, I just stopped doing the route near my 18th birthday, I found out two years before that my mom never registered me as a baby so I didn’t have a birth certificate so I couldn’t even learn to drive, the Christmas before my birthday (December 2007) I was given my birth certificate, but then my parents deceived that after all the years I did what I was told and finally showed independence, that they wouldn’t sign. I was too afraid to get close to people because of my thighs, I was afraid I’d be teased and picked on and called fat, so I didn’t have my first boyfriend till almost my 18th birthday, and soon after that I was kicked out of my parents house because they bought me a cat and didn’t want it in the house anymore. Needless to say my boyfriend broke up with me on the day of commencement, and I went to prom myself. I had to live in a small one bedroom place a half hour bike ride away from my work at the cost of 720 a month without utilities, I pretty much only ate apples for months, my food bill was less than $50 dollars a month. I finally landed a good job, and found a better place, got a new boyfriend and I have my job for over 6 months by my boyfriend recently broke up with me, now all I can think about is suicide, I know lots of girls go through that but while there were other things, he said that it would’ve been better if I didn’t have such big thighs. So from being blissfully happy to almost killing myself in six short months, I find myself forgetting to eat, not even feeling hungry, having to force myself to swallow food and even then it’s almost nothing. I haven’t had Macdonald’s in years and I still can’t get rid of my thighs which are causing me such depression in what is supposed to be the greatest time of my life
