get over him

It took a few days but my anger has subsided. There is a lingering sadness however. It’s with me often. Healthy and not, I started recalling all of the problems and disappointments. Every complaint on either end and everything that kept us together for so long. I want to organize it all and print it down on paper to see what really happened. It’s not about just finding “what went wrong (as if it’s singular)” but what I learned and how I’ve been impacted.

This is not about revenge either. I am not sending him what I will write. It’s for myself only. I need to make sense of every moment. This will either be the best idea I’ve ever had the worst pain I have ever felt.

“Dont cry because its over, smile because it happened.”

Unknown

I want to get over him.

That’s it! Now I’m starting to hate him! Shame on him, how dares he?! Maybe this is the way to be over him, at least for a while. Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s almost four in the morning. My dreams have been strange lately and this morning’s addition was just as bizarre. Even after waking up for 30 seconds all the anger heavily weighs down my thoughts. The fantasies started yesterday: Standing point blank in his face screaming out every valid frustration all the while beating his chest with my fists. Screaming, out loud, everything. What I am really upset about it now I am furious, bent out of shape in hate, and there’s no one to direct my anger towards. He at least had the good sense to tell me when he was mad and why he was mad. After not really voicing why I was hurt when it started, I have two years of blaring anger to vent. There’s no one who deserves that kind of ferocity unleashed on them. It’s got to come out somehow or I am going to burst. It’s an irrational thought, but I feel like I deserve time from him to yell out all the throbbing pain since he did it to me so often. Not likely to happen yet it’s stuck in my head that I deserve a reciprocal time to explode.

I am furious and there’s nowhere for this anger to go.

Not to send of course but just to pour out on to a screen every fantasy. It’s an irrational hatred, I know that. I suppose this means I am in somewhere between the second and four stage of grieving (I’ve already bargained and felt depression which I am hoping is not going to happen a second time). Writing it out on to a page and letting out every frustration and heartache is cathartic. I was not until today that I realized how emotionally abusive he was and I followed his path instead of my own. I lost two very important years of my life to his self-inflicted pain just to feel empty at the end of it. Now my whole heart burns with hatred I never felt before towards him (yes I still know it’s irrational) and something deep in the pitted parts of my stomach are starting to stir. Some sort of creature is screaming out for revenge and I may or may not be able to hold it at bay. My whole core is raving for vengeance.

I deleted his email address from my contacts and removed him from my facebook account. Tonight I plan on putting all the clothes he gave me in a bag and giving them to charity. The hard copies of photos need to be thrown away along with the pressed first rose that he gave me (tossing that will be excruciating). I forgot to take the photo out of my wallet last night because frankly I was wailing all night long.

I need to keep his phone number a little bit longer. I have to return some money to him that I borrowed and would like to know when he gets it. I also want to send his hat back because it’s really not mine to give away.

I understand why writing out publicly is so important for closer. Admitting to other people is crucial for moving on because in a way one is solidifying the idea. Consider it done you (meaning myself).

Lovely electronic stalker tool that it is (facebook of course), I found a picture of my ex-boyfriend dressed up for Halloween pretending to grab a girl’s boob. It’s been eight months now, but I really loved him. I deeply love him still. Seeing that picture was too much to handle. A rather rude show off of his apparent rebound from me.

Tonight I am going to get rid of everything. Clothes, hard copies of pictures (pathetic but I still have a picture of him in my wallet), everything that reminds me of him. It has to or I’ll never be whole again.

I am so angry that I have a perpetual feeling of loss and obviously that is not true for him. My dreams are destroyed. I am a shadow of the person I use to be. All my passion has been stripped down and thrown aside. All for what? It’s completely unfair. What I am going to do now that I have nothing but hollowness to stand on?

The frightening thought is that I am in the exact position I would have been in if we stayed together. I wouldn’t have been able to pursue my dreams and it’s more than likely I’d be just as depressed. I suppose regardless I would have felt all of this pain.

It’s ridiculous that it’s been this long and I am still burning at the stake.

It was…probably the worst week so far of me trying to get over him. The more I wanted to stop thinking about him, the more I actually thought about him and glanced over at his desk, and ughhh. Ughhh. BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS. I HAVE TO!

So I’m really really really going to try as hard as I can to do this! I have told myself bajillions of times that he does not like me and probably never will, and yet I’m not listening! My own thoughts are going through one ear and out the other. So I’m started this new thing where I record the number of times I think of him or anything. Yesterday I went up to 53. Yeesh, today was like 60-ish. So here’s my goal, if I can lower it down to say 20 in like two weeks, then I’ll…reward myself somehow. I don’t know how yet…Anyways, if I don’t then I have to…do something bad?I don’t know much about what I’ll do with the rewards system but yeah. I really hope this’ll work.

Is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you’re sliding off your dress?
Then think of what you did
And how I hope to God he was worth it.
When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin.
I’ve got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you’ll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me

Let’s get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

So I guess we’re back to us, oh cameraman, swing the focus
In case I lost my train of thought, where was it that we last left off?
(Let’s pick up, pick up)

Oh now I do recall, we were just getting to the part
Where the shock sets in, and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick.
I hope you didn’t expect that you’d get all of the attention.
Now let’s not get selfish
Did you really think I’d let you kill this chorus?